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are we just too stupid in love to quit a disfunctional affair?

Published on May 24, 2012 by sudzbukit

It's been over 5yrs. we've gone from crazy in love "good-time-charlies" when he spent $ on hotels, dinner/drinks,ect.. & was the perfect rebound lover to get over & out of my bad marrige of 18yrs.Then onto the truth about the ex & the room-mate story,to him deciding that all 3 of us(his ex & I) living together would be financially "worth it". 3 mos. he'll get a DUII,then just he & I, then just him & her, while he cheated on us both w/ the other. He's lived w/ her mostly since then($ ran out)she's always been the stable one,while I have been tortured feeling 2nd best,gambling my dime away trying to hit it big enough to take us away, once & for all.He developed issues w/ me being careless w/$, unable to save a penny for our future, and I became a midnight stalker, swearing I'd heard them having sex from outside the window. He swears he isn't In-Love w/her, but w/me. She keeps him like Peter-Peter pumpkin eater,fixing his every dollar made, stalking him around the house,afraid he'll run off again-and does.So I'm pretty sure I've lost my mind, but we cant live w/o ea. other, and are going to rough it in his van a mini-motor home,until we can afford our own place. He looks pleadingly into my eyes and says"show me u love me,stop gambling"! and I shoot right back,"show me u love me! say good-bye to her and don't have anything to do w/her again,If I'm not #1,than we're done"! I'm exhausted, pls. tell me if we're doomed in our love or we can somehow learn to be faithful, productive and respect each other as we love & grow
old weather we're rich,or just living on love?

ANSWERS

We can't know what is best for you or whether you two will end up together or not. The first thing we recommend is that you take responsibility for your choices in life that have brought you where you are now.

If you have a gambling addiction, own it and decide if this habit is helping you have the kind of life you want. If it isn't, then take steps to stop. There are many support resources out there. Don't do this for anyone but you.

If you aren't okay with him continuing his relationship with his ex, it's time to have an honest conversation with him about this instead of playing "show me you love me" games. Is he truly willing to stop his relationship with her and be only with you? If he is, how can he prove to you that he has followed through and kept the promise?

Ultimately, it sounds like you both would benefit by assessing the health of your relationship and ask yourselves if it is wise to stay together. If you do choose to stay together, then come up with some agreements that will help you rebuild trust and turn your lives more toward what you want.

Best Wishes, Susie and Otto Collins

You have three MAJOR problems:

  1. There's no room for three people in a relationship. No matter how much he pleads with you, the truth is that if he really wanted to be done with her, he would be. Money is never an excuse for bad behavior or poor choices.

  2. Addiction and relationships don't mix. Your gambling is a deal-breaker, and would be for any normal person. It's not just the gambling with your paycheck, it's also the gambling with your heart. You choose high-risk, roller-coaster relationships, and think that one day you'll win the lottery. You won't. You'll just get older and more financially broken until you are all spent. Get help for the gambling, and get help for the love addiction.

  3. Impulsivity does not get you happiness. You are making your decisions impulsively, from how you "feel" today, without regard to the long-term outcomes for your life. Learn how to slow down, become more thoughtful, and make decisions based on your highest and greatest good, which doesn't necessarily feel good today. Create a vision for your life that is filled with things that are fulfilling in the long run, not the short run, and begin today to make choices that lead you down that path.

It's nonsense you can't live without each other. The relationship is just a crutch.

You both have deep issues that need to be dealt with separately. You're caught up in the cycle of dysfunctional addiction that has nothing to do with love. Two addicts cannot really "love" from a place of being active in their addiction. Love is an action and neither of you act like you love the other. Love is not about involving a third-party or gambling away your financial stability. None of this is about love. It's about obsession, addiction, compulsion, dysfunction and an incredible amount of drama and mind games. Instead of worrying about what "we" need to do, figure out what YOU need to do to fix you. Stop gambling and stop accepting an unfaithful jerk as your partner. Go to therapy and figure out how you got here and how to get out. Go to Gambler's Anonymous. There is NO WAY you can get clean with gambling and figure out the rest of your life while you're still caught up in this sick drama.

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