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Are We Friends With Benefits, or Is He Interested?

Published on September 20, 2013 by ajh713

I've had this guy friend for almost 6 years now, but I've pretty much always had "more than friends" feelings for him. I've always done a really good job of keeping those feelings and urges in check for the sake of the friendship, but also for the sake of our group dynamic with mutual best friends. I have been honest with him in the past, letting him know that I value our friendship, but that I will always probably be interested in him as more than a friend. When I've asked him to give me his honest feelings about that, he tells me that dating and relationships are simply not on his radar, and he really can't invest in anyone, let alone me.

That's fine, I totally understand that. (He is about to enter the military for a commitment of no less than 5 years). So with his "emotional unavailability" in mind, I've proceeded with our strictly platonic friendship. That is, until one night after having drinks with a group of mutual friends, he asked me to stay with him. He told me "no pressure, only if you want to." I told him that I would stay, but that I did not want to do anything sexual. I have always told myself that I would never do anything romantic/sexual with him, because of my underlying feelings for him. Well, after a few hours of strict cuddling and back scratching, he finally blurted out that he just thought "we should do it already." I instantly had two thoughts about this: 1., since he knows my feelings about him, and he is openly asking for sex, maybe he is finally interested in me. 2.-- and here is the real zinger-- I was a virgin, and was extremely anxious about still being one going into my SENIOR year of college! So, I thought, "this could be the perfect opportunity to get the first time over with, with someone I know, love and trust, without being judged." Well, I agreed, and then 20 minutes later, it was over.

Since then we've slept together one additional time, right before we both went back to school. I thought the mature thing to do would be to talk to him to make sure we were on the same page, as to protect the friendship. After asking him what his thought/feelings were about why he asked me to stay with him, he responded "I don't really know, I was just trying to have some fun." We agreed to not over analyze what happened, but also not to pretend like it never did.

Clearly I am emotionally invested in this guy, even more so now. But what I'd like to know is, does the fact that he made the first move show his interest in me, or does this sound more like a typical "guy uses girl for sex, won't date her" kind of situation? Did he lie about why he asked me to stay, hoping I wouldn't expect more from him?

I am desperate for some insight-- this is not just "some guy" to me! THANKS!!!!

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