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Are we both wrong?

Published on February 4, 2010 by paula p

I met by boyfriend on match over three months ago. I have never had so much fun with anyone and I am 55 and married twice. He said he loves me and wants to have an exclusive relationship but doesn't care if I just keep emailing men I meet since I have a 3 month contract. His contract is up and he said he doesn't want to continue with emailing the ladies that pop up and wink at him. I have continue to email guys but t have never gone out with anyone else. He says he doesn't email anyone, but as he leaves his computer on the page I have seen emails that he lies about. Last night I told him that it is crazy that I get mad because I am doing the same thing but with many men. He had a fit and said emailing maybe once or twice a week is different then emailing many different guys. What d you think?

ANSWERS

It sounds like he gave you permission to keep your options open because he is doing the same thing. There isn't anything wrong with that so long as you are both honest about it, which it looks like he isn't. You should talk to him and tell him that you are getting mixed messages from him. He tells you he wants to be exclusive with you but gives you permission not to be. Then he tells you his isn't contacting other women through the dating site, but you found out he is. Ask him which is it? Does he want to be exclusive or not? More importantly, do you want to be exclusive with this guy? If you do, why are you still contacting men? You should assess your needs in the matter first and then let him know where you stand. If you don't want to be exclusive, that's fine too but let him know that and ask him what the deal is with his actions. If he doesn't want to be exclusive why did he tell you he did? Maybe neither of you are ready yet to be in a committed relationship. If that is the case, just give it more time before getting serious. Or if your gut instinct tells you there's something off with this guy, then be cautious about him. Do you feel like he might not be trustworthy?

While I agree that you both gave each other permission to keep your options open, the fact that he said he was not emailing people when he still was and lying about it is a HUGE red flag. Why was he saying that? He could have just as easily been honest about it. Both of you seem to have one foot in and one foot out of this relationship. It's not going to work like that. You need to either commit and stop looking for other possibilities or get out. You can't sustain things the way they are.

I agree with what the ladies are saying and have nothing more to add on the lack of honesty with you, but I'm a little fuzzy on something.

He said that he wouldn't email new women that pop up on his site and send him winks anymore...but could he be emailing one or two women that he met on match and just enjoys having a "cyber" pen-pal friendship with?

I only as for that clarification because I still keep in touch with a couple of gals that I've met through dating sites and only emailed. We knew early on that we wouldn't actually fit as a couple, but we enjoyed occasionally chatting with each other via email and still do so. Once again, its a strictly platonic thing. So I'm just curious if that may be the case.

Then again, this could just be my usual optimism kicking in. Still, he should have said something even about that rather than letting you believe he wasn't emailing anyone else at all.

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