Not getting out of this marriage is hurting your kids more than you can imagine. You need to take care of yourself, especially your emotions. You are emotionally hurt, you are in serious pain.
The fear that is keeping you where you are, is hurting you. When you hurt, your children hurt. So you need to do what's best for you, which in turn will be best for your children.
You need to take time to find out what it is that you truly want, and go for it. You could use some help, whether from good friends, support group, life coach, etc.
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My sense is you got into this relationship, and stayed in it for a reason and you will need to figure that out before this will change. Are you stuck? Only if you allow yourself to be. I'm not saying I agree that divorce is the only option but I am saying it's time to start taking responsibility for how you feel about yourself.
Talk to someone who can help you sort all of this out. You need to process the pain first and then determine what it is that you want and need. If he isn't on board for creating a healthy relationship with you and your kids and you decide to end it, figure out what you need to do first to ensure as seamless a transition as possible.
Make sure you understand and are prepared for what to expect including the financial changes as this will affect your kids. Consult with an attorney before you do anything. Don't expect your husband's personality to change after you divorce. He is who he is and trying to get him to see the light will drive you crazy and waste time and energy that your kids will need. Instead, focus on creating a solid support system of friends and family.
In terms of your kids, they are going to go through their own emotional processing if the marriage ends. The 3 most important things you can do for them? 1. talk kindly about their father, even if he is being a colossal jerk. Keep your anger at him away from them 2. Manage your stress so that you can be there when they need you 3. remind them with words and actions how amazing they are and how much you love them.
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