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Am I justified in how I feel?

Published on October 31, 2013 by twentys

I'm going to try and keep this as unbiased as possible. Here's my situation. I'm currently engaged to a woman I absolutely adore. We don't live together yet, and we only see one another 3 days a week, as we both run our own businesses, and live 2 hours apart, and her not being able to drive. We're both in our 30s, and are working on living together this coming December.

Last weekend my fiance was cracking jokes about me probably being on okcupid, and I said don't be ridiculous I love you, and can't wait to be married. I turn said when she jokes like that it's hurtful, and it makes me feel like she's up to no good during the week. So she said "look at my phone!". Just as a note, we're open with one another looking at each other's cells. So I grabbed her phone, and saw an email she had sent to an ex a few days prior. It said "hey is this still your address (we'll call him Dave) Dave? I just had the weirdest dream about you, and never realized how much I miss your stupid face! How are you?".

Immediately I felt ill, and betrayed. She even sent the email at 3:30am. She told me it was just to get closure, and she'd stop talking to him. Yet there was an email from two years ago she had sent saying "in order for me to move on, I need to clear up some things". Which, to me, is closure

Now I feel totally insecure with her, and not living together makes it even worse. She says she loves me, wants to have children, and be married to me, but her actions of late speak differently.. I'm not perfect, and I've made mistakes, but nothing that would ever make her doubt my love for her.

I'm so confused..

ANSWERS

You have very legitimate reasons to be concerned. When you're in a committed relationship with another person, there is no reason to be in contact with an ex unless there are children or legal matters involved. 2 years later isn't an attempt at closure.

Did she show you the response she sent back to him? Did it say anything about how she's engaged and happy and he should not contact her anymore? I'm betting it didn't. A person who's committed won't need to reach out or reach back into the past unless to cut it off and keep it from ruining the present or the future.

Also, being on facebook or answering emails after 10pm is a recipe for no good. Unless she's a high powered lawyer or CEO who's sending business emails, there's no reason to be messaging anyone of the opposite sex that late at night.It's just bad news.

This is a huge red flag especially since she had no quams about answering his email at 3:30am. What was she doing up that late?

Now, what to do about it. You need to sit down and have an honest talk with her. Draw some mutually agreed upon boundaries about communication over social media after certain hours and have an accountability system in place. There should be no secrets between you. This includes email passwords, facebook, and phone texts. It may feel like a violation of privacy, but again, there should be no secrets and if you've got nothing to hide, there should be no problems with sharing. If she gets upset, that means she probably is hiding something.

My husband and I share all of our passwords to everything. Because I know he's not hiding anything because I can check it anytime, I give him his privacy. I check every now and then, but we have other accountability measures in place that help us feel secure that we don't need to check up on each other. For example, if an ex messages either one of us, we let the other know immediately, and we don't answer it back until we talk to each other. We also will construct our response in the presence of the other. That way we understand what is going on and what the purpose of the contact is. It also saves heartache later if it were to come out some other way and I or he had to find out through someone else. And believe me, the truth always find a way out. This also isn't because one of us violated trust. It's to keep us honest in our relationship and to hold each other accountable and resistant to temptations.

If you have already set your wedding date, I would seriously advise you consider postponing it for 6 months or so, until you can figure out if this was a one time thing or it is ongoing. If need be, see a couples therapist.

Keep your eye on the red flags and DO NOT marry until you feel 100% sure they have resolved. Trust me, it is much easier to back out of a wedding than it is to pay for a divorce later.

-YourTango Expert

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