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The ALMOST Perfect Man

Published on October 8, 2012 by misstweet

I have known my boyfriend for seven months and have been together for the last six of those months. He is wonderful. He is sweet, caring, and attentive. He has a playfully sarcastic senses of humor that drives me crazy in all the right ways. He keeps me on my toes with his wit and encourages me to do the things that make me happy. He believes in communication to solve problems! On top of all this, he has devilish good looks that he can't seem to see for himself. Recently though a trait that most would think is a good thing has made me start to question if Mr. Perfect is indeed perfect for me...

My body image problem started as a child. I grew up with a dad who was physically and emotionally abusive to both my mother and myself. As my mother gained weight, the taunting and name calling was merciless. Then after my parents divorced and I developed health problems as a child my weight shot up. This as you can probably guess was not something that bode well with my fat phobic father. I was told things like "No, I'm not getting you gum. You don't need one more thing to put in your mouth" and "You know, if you don't loose weight no man is ever going to love you or want to marry you".

I am almost 27 and I never did loose the weight. My fibromyalgia along with the bulging disks in my back make exerciser something that is very difficult and painful. I have had a lot of men who find me attractive even with the weight. I even had a doctor the first time I saw him tell me I had the most beautiful face he has ever seen. I am not disfigured, just fat.

Now, for the problem. It has become undeniably apparent that along with myself my boyfriend too does not think I am beautiful. When I tell him that my weight bothers me and about my insecurities I get "honey, looks don't matter" and most reciently "Baby, you are the most beautiful person I know, on the inside. I still want you physically, I still want to be with you and I still love you".

This is probably a good time to tell you that though he speaks and understands English fluently, it is not his first language. So the next day (this morning) I tried to fish to make sure I didn't just take him wrong. I told him that as sweet as telling me that I have inner beauty is, when I am telling him I feel ugly that just makes me feel worse. I told him I am not angry. He cannot help it if he does not think I am pretty and I guess I should appreciate that he didn't lie to me. I wanted him to go "OH NO! That's not how I meant it at all!" but he didn't. I told him I needed to get some sleep and all I got back was "Ok, have a goodnight sleep. Talk to you later".

The truth is, I don't appreciate that he didn't lie to me. This is the one instance where I think he should have and I don't know how to get past it. I feel so selfconscious that I feel sick and I don't know what to do. I don't want to loose this wonderful man that refers to me as "my angel" and is perfect in every other way.... but already I feel myself pushing him away. Please help me.

ANSWERS

The problem is you, not him. Since your past is negatively affecting your present, I recommend you see a counselor. He did his best to reassure, and maybe he left words out and didn't express his thoughts to your liking, but nobody is perfect. My husband, who is a caring and wonderful husband, on occasion says clueless and/or irritating things that bother me. He does it unwittingly, and because he's a man and I'm a woman, and there are gender differences in thought processes. You need to give him a break.

Now that you've told him about how you feel about yourself, he knows, and you don't need to repeat this info. When a person badmouths himself/herself, it gets to be a big downer and can be very irritating to listen to. People like to be around confident people who have self worth. This is where counseling can help you. At the very least, get some books from the library on how to improve self esteem. If you get to the point where you think you're unhealthy, you might want to try swimming or walking, which are usually less of a strain on people with injuries, and Weight Watchers can teach you how much food you can consume to lose and then maintain your weight. Good luck.

I agree with you that it is mostly me and my insecurities. I probably should seek help for the issues i have. But, think we all have them. We all have image issues maybe not to the extent I do but, I'm not alone in this. My problem is, how do I accept that the person I am with validated them?

All guys know "if your wife asks you if she 'looks fat in these jeans' you tell her no". If the cut of the pants is just not flattering for her body type, you find a tactful way of saying so. But you don't tell her that you love her even if her ass doesn't look good.

Everyone needs to feel that the person they are with finds them attractive. Even if they don't feel they are. What I need to know is, how do I get this through to him? If I just say it then from then on I am going to be thinking "he is lying" if he tells me I'm beautiful. Even if I was someone who loved myself and thought I looked good this would be hurtful. How do you feel confident or comfortable sexually with someone you think finds you ugly? I know how to fix my own image but how do I fix this? How do I tell him or at least deal with the feeling of rejection from someone I love so much?

Dear friend, what you are going true is a typical for people that have a lack of confidence, which is reparable, so don't worry. You have to start valuing yourself more, and then you will not have a problem henceforth. It is clear that your boyfriend validates you as a person, and it is you that is always suspicious and critical of yourself and him. Don't be! Work on your relationship, and as far your weight problem, you should start considering a better regimen to help you out. I wouldn’t think that he is lying to you; you are lying to yourself by shooting down everything he tells you, and that includes compliments. Work on your inner self first, and the rest will follow. I would strongly recommend one of the self help books, or even a therapy. Of course you can always try to do full Astrology consultation and confront the problem from its core. You can email me anytime if you need a Birth Chart session on advice. Good luck, Yours truly AstroCoach

Obviously he finds you attractive, or he wouldn't keep you as a girlfriend and treat you as though you are the most special person to him. Compliment him on his looks and clothes. Tell him you like compliments too, then when he does, believe him. Be clear about your directions of what you want. Men have a hard time with vague directions. People have minor flaws, and he's not always going to say what you want to hear. If you wanted a man who always said the perfect thing, the only one I can think of is Dr. Phil, but he's taken. Don't mess up what you have with this guy. Good men are hard to find. Work on yourself Good luck.

Your problem seems to be in your head - not your boyfriend's heart.

A woman only has 3 people whose opinion of her body should matter to her - herself, her doctor, and her lover/spouse.

Your boyfriend is behaving in all ways like someone who finds you attractive and he's TELLING you he finds you attractive (even if his innocent choice of words inadvertently tripped your insecurities) - BELIEVE HIM! We men are simple and direct - if he didn't find you attractive, he wouldn't be sticking around (especially when you're just dating and he could easily walk away with little emotional cost). Then too, you also say that he's not the only man to find you attractive - several other men have felt the same.

If your doctor is telling you that your weight is unhealthy and you need to get in shape, her opinion should matter to you. HOWEVER, her opinion of your body is a professional one, and is strictly based on your health - she is not making a statement about your physical attractiveness.

The third person who's opinion is important (you) is, unfortunately, basing her opinion not on how she feels about herself, but on how she THINKS other people view her. Your dad's abuse of you and your mother has left you with some baggage and emotional scars that are really holding you back even now that the SOB is gone. I don't exactly know how to teach you to love yourself, but I strongly suggest you see a professional therapist who is professionally trained to help you overcome the baggage from your past and get on with living and enjoying life.

I would also recommend you see a mental health professional to be evaluated for possible depression. You view off yourself suggests it as a possibility, and fibromyalgia often occurs in conjunction with depression. Depression is a medical condition (i.e. you should feel no stigma over it if it turns out you have it), but there are medications and/or therapists who can do wonders for alleviating that condition. It can be overcome.

One of the most frustrating things to men when it comes to women is this terrible hang-up so many of you have when it comes to body image. Any of us who know you find your attractiveness depends far more on what we find between your ears than what we find between your eyes and your knees. Go to the mall some time and spend a couple hours simply people-watching. You will find plenty of normal, plain, or even homely looking people out with their special someone, and that special someone so obviously finds them beautiful. We men would far rather have a "3" with a smile and a positive attitude, than a bitchy "10" with a poor attitude.

My own wife has issues with her body image and refuses to think I find her attractive. I've asked her many times, "How in Hell can you think I find your body unattractive, while at the same time I can't keep my hands off it!?!"

Have you ever noticed how a cat simply takes adoration to be her due? It's inconceivable to her that someone wouldn't find her beautiful or that she doesn't deserve it. Be like a cat (the one time it's good for a woman to have a catty attitude). Don't doubt yourself - just lay back and bask in the attraction your boyfriend feels for you. He finds you attractive now, but the more you can learn to get around this negative attitude you have, the more stunningly beautiful you will become.

You have found what you think may well be the perfect man, and it scares you so that you're now doubting yourself and whether or not he truly finds you attractive. Thank God for your good fortune in meeting someone who seems such a soul mate, then love him back with all your heart, and stop questioning your own worthiness.

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