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Advice please!!???

Published on August 2, 2013 by 4evaluv85

I'm in a relationship and have been for the past 5 years and on and off I have been lying about simple things for selfish reasons and I have been caught in them several times.... My question is how am I to overcome this I love my man and I don't want to lose him but what am I to do if he's so fed up with my lies?? We've been down this road so many times its ridiculous and he's stuck in there but now he's on the verge of leaving for real I know he's tired of this and I'm in need of something that I can do to show him that I'm serious about being honest with him. I am serious about it.

ANSWERS

Dear 4evaluv85:

Why are you lying and what are you lying about? If you've gone down this road so many times, what makes this time different? It's not just me asking these questions, it's obviously what your man is wondering as well.

If you lie a lot and he then breaks up and then makes up with you and it's a repeated cycle, no worries - it'll probably continue to be the cycle - perhaps it's something you both enjoy, otherwise why would you continue?

However, I'm all for redemption. If you honestly feel like you want to change the pattern then change it - whether he takes you back or not, or this will just be something you're bound to repeat in your next relationship. But you don't want to hear that now, you want forgiveness and maybe you'll get it. But know that each time this cycle repeats, it wears away at whatever good there is in a relationship and it will eventually wear down to nothing. You can't base any relationship (romantic or otherwise) on lies and call it a true relationship.

On the off chance that this was the straw that finally broke your camel's back, then I'm afraid you'll have to suck it up. Lying is ugly and the consequences are uglier. Think about it - you not only lied, you lied again every time you said you wouldn't lie again.

Why do you lie - that's what I'd like to know. Does he intimidate you? Are you keeping secrets? Maybe you feel like you have to - I can't tell much about that from a letter, but I will say that no matter the reason, it's no way to operate. Your reputation is the only thing in life that will give you true respect - from others and from yourself - and it's obvious that you're not liking yourself very much right now.

If you're serious about ending the lies, than give it one last full-hearted effort to express your sorrowfulness. Don't beg, but do be sincere, but only if you're sincere. After that, you'll just have to give him a little space and respect his answer when he's ready to give it. You see, when you put yourself in these situations you really give your power away - now you'll have to wait on him to decide the fate of your relationship and that sucks, but it is what it is. He'll might be tempted to turn the torture back onto you and make you wait a bit, so be ready for it. But hang in there.

If by chance, he doesn't take you back, then at least you've learned a valuable lesson about yourself and you'll be able to enter your next relationship with an open heart.

I wish you all the best. Drop me a line and tell me how you're doing and how it turned out - I'd really like to know.

Thanks, LJ - a YourTango Expert yourtango.com/experts/ljinnes

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