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18 years old, sexual phobia/pressure
I'm 18 years old, female. I'm finishing my senior year, love my boyfriend (first real serious boyfriend) and we have been dating for 7 months. He is the one! We are hoping to live together after high school, and I hope, get married someday. We are both virgins, he's 17. Now I understand he's a guy, and that sex is suppose to be a wonderful thing between a man and woman. My goal is to do things the traditional way and have sex for the first time on my wedding night. However he wants to do it now!!! It's like every month "when are we going to do it? I'm ready for the emotional commitment." and it makes me happy that he feels that way about me, (the man has saved my butt so many times and is a true hero) However I have a deep phobia of having sex, and it's because of my stupid ignorant generation of teens at school having sex, than breaking up, then getting pregnant...and I swear to god I am the only virgin at school! Every girl I've known is crazy about it and sex is all they want to talk about, and innocent me only talks about cats, great books, and the joys of life.. I've never had any abuse, it's just society has made me afraid of it. I am seeing a therapist for depression, and I am under a tad but of pressure. My boyfriend and I do oral sex and fingering, but when his penis even goes near my thigh I smack it away (yeah maybe not the nicest thing to do). We are very close, we even cuddle naked and sleep together. The other night when we were cuddling naked the tip of his penis went inside my 'lips' I guess but wasn't inside me. It was dry skin on dry skin and so painful. I cried and had a panic attack. Right now I am on a birth control pill for super heavy periods and even if we had triple protection I would still be super paranoid about getting pregnant. Thats also another thing, I cannot get pregnant ever, it's a phobia of pregnancy... But I'm sure my mind will change when I'm thirty :) how can I satisfy my boyfriend now till I'm ready? Today he asked if we were ever going to do it, and I said never, then said maybe in a few years. He then added, that's going to put a strain on our relationship...I don't know what to do...