Asked by Nova2732 on
Give Advice: My Fiancé & I Don't Have Sex
I'm getting married in less than two months. My fiancé and I have sex so rarely (once or twice a month) and more than half the time he wakes me up in the middle of the night for sex, which of course results in groggy, unfulfilling sex. When I try to talk to him about it, he either gets defensive or completely shuts down. I want him to know that I'm terrified about what this means for our relationship and I've considered calling off the wedding, but I don't want to push him away even more. How can I get through to him?
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You cannot get through to him. His behaviour frankly sounds really creepy. You should break off the engagement if he won't open up about this topic. It will only get worse after the wedding.
This sounds like I may have previously replied. RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN FROM THIS MAN. You will never have a successful marriage. Wakes you at night? Probably so his "poor performance" won't be noticed if you are sleepy. You do not have a
"relationship." Perhaps he is gay -- has some religious hangups (WILL NOT GO AWAY), or something else. Please. Move On and find a man who like and enjoys sex and will please you or be willing to learn HOW. You will never "get through" to him. He may have mama issues also. How long have you dated him????
Good Luck!
I'm going to have to agree with everybody commenting. I would say to call off the wedding but that doesn't necessarily mean that you have to break up completely. Maybe after the wedding has been called off he will realize that all those times you've tried talking to him has reall affected you. Try talking to him about why you called off the wedding. If he still doesn't seem to care or "shuts down" then you know he's not willing to try and work on this relationship. Remember you're putting your part into it now it's his turn.
Call off the wedding and move on!
Push him away even more. If he gets defensive and is unwilling to discuss something as important as sex in a marriage, do NOT marry this oaf. He is either totally self-centered or utterly immature and childish. He will not change after the marriage. He does not love you enough to have a simple honest discussion about this. Love is not a magic spell, though it is magic. If you could convince him that this is serious enough to get into family counseling and that this would be a safe place to discuss the matter, for him as well as you, then there might be a chance. Perhaps he is very insecure about his love making, perhaps he is gay and uncertain about it, perhaps he has other women and is already sexually spent. He may have childhood sexual trauma issues that are complicating things. Whatever the issue, it is not your job to suffer through the consequences. You deserve a considerate lover. If he does not have it in him (so to speak) then find someone who does.
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You must call off the wedding. The job of a husband is to make his wife happy. He doesn't seem to be interested in that job, so don't hire him for it. "Why" doesn't matter.
You can't. This is him. Best is to end this now rather to live in frustration.
Call off the wedding. It you are having bedroom problems now, it will definitely not improve after the wedding. This is not a very healthy relationship. He has problems that cannot be fixed that easily, so move on.
I work with couples who are dating, engaged, and after they're married by doing marriage education with them to understand one another and how to support each other while also maintaining their individual growth. We work on conflict resolution, understanding the different stages of love, etc. I am a marriage educator, my masters degree is in counseling, and I also use my background and training with Dr. John Gray as a Mars Venus Coach. If I can help in any way, then please private message me.
~Lyndsay
The others that have commented have good points for you to think about, and I would have to agree that things don't magically change once you have a ring on your finger. When you're engaged to someone, then you're declaring out loud your commitment to spend a lifetime with him.
However, at the same time--this is the time period for you two as an engaged couple to turn to one another and seriously question how compatible you are together: emotionally, physically, intellectually, and spiritually. Don't let the pressure of others expectations keep you from discussing intimate, uncomfortable details with the only other person in your relationship, your fiance.
Can you two agree to talk about all of the really uncomfortable subjects together in the next two months (including your sex life)--so you know more of each other? When you're in a relationship for the long haul, you have to talk about everything that will affect your relationship. If you're not being forthright now, then you are not sharing all of yourself with your fiancee. How can you ask the same of him? Is this the kind of relationship you want together? Or would you like it to be more open, trusting, and intimate? By approaching him in a loving manner and with good intentions for making your relationship healthier, you can lift each other up and figure out how to nurture and be there to cherish and help one another grow.
Critisism hurts everyone. When you discuss his inability to satisfy you, he feels criticized. But, you can't solve it now because it's very hurting and he's shut you down which means he isn't going to react any more kindly the next time the subject is brought up. It's not a good idea to keep on him about the subject, even though it may be something that you need in the relationship. You've tried talking to him and your method isn't working. He might think you're being mean and selfish but, sexual attraction and intimacy are important. It doesn't all just fall into place after you get married, though This might be hard for you to deal with but, I hope the invitations haven't been sent and if they are, so what? If you don't come to grips with this issue in your life now, it will still be there after the wedding. I'd forget the wedding for now and really examine the idea and concept of why you want to marry this man or don't want to marry this man.
if this is what is going on now .what do u think being married to a man who is selfish-and it sounds like in every way.its seems like its his way or the highway.take and exit quickly.your crashing.and u know it.you try he doesnt .is this the way you really want-just to exsist not to be happy.there is no joy in mud ville. alex
I was in a one year relationship with someone who only liked sex twice a month as well. It was frustrating and I started to feel undesirable. We were also incompatible in every other major way, so we broke up. This freed me to be with someone compatible with me in every major way, including sex. I'm 100% happier now.
You love this man, but love isn't enough when it comes to being happy. Sex is a major part of a couples life. He needs to be with someone with a low libido like him. You need to be with someone who has the same libido as you. Do both of yourselves a favor and find compatible partners. It's difficult to say goodbye to someone you care about, but if you don't, you will live an unsatisfying life. Good luck.
First, I just want to let you know that you should not get married if you aren't 100% sure that you can deal with having sex once or twice a month. Anyway, I have learned that sex is a touchy subject for some. I don't know your Fiance, so I am not sure how he deals with things. I bought a cute bra/panty set and stood in front of my husband. Lol I basically told him how hard it is to keep my hands off of him and how I needed to feel him...it was pretty graphic so I won't go into detail, but I hope this helps! Just figure out if you can deal with it before getting married.