Asked by amelina on
Give Advice: Why Does My Husband Prefer Porn Over Sex?
Hello everone. I've been married for 3 years. We're 25 years old. After one year of marriage my husband was deployed to Afghanistan and when he cameback for R&R everything was GREAT. But once he cameback to stay (a year and 5 months ago) things haven't been the same. He's getting better, but our sexual life isn't. I got pregnant and now we have a 5 months old baby. I'd do anything but he says he's not in the mood, he's tired, he's stressed... he's always something. I even lost almost all the baby weight because i thought it would help, but it didn't. I've been patient and tried to talk to him and he said he just doesn't have the urge. Well... one day i wanted to try a recipe i saw days before, so i went to the internet's history... my surprise was tremendous when i found all this porn videos he's been watching. So he has the urge, just not in the mood for me. He says he loves me and i try to understand and support him but the truth is that when he isn't home i cry because i'm all frustrated, i feel like my marriage is falling appart, that he maybe has someone else. Sometimes i'm just really mad at him but i won't say anything because i don't want to put more wieght on him. He even avoids me when i try to kiss him, or he'll kiss me and do something "funny" and stop kissing me. We haven't french kissed since i don't even know when!! As i said our relationship is better, but i feel like he's sort of my roomie. It has been a month since the last time he touched me and it was because i made it happen and that's been the case all this time. He recently started going to therapy. Did this happen to anyone? Should i still have hope? What can i do? he says there's nothing i can do. Thanks for answering.
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if hes agreed to go to seek help_then he knows something is wrong.whatever it is =its not you.being over there you dont know what hes seen or what his mind holds and image of.if u love him as u say-hang on 4 dear life.because i think hes hanging on by a thread.maybe hes watching porn to help him get a errection.have you tried to introduce a vib into ur bedroom. maybe if he sees you using it .it might help.
Well, if just started going to therapy, I would give him some time.
Amelina, let me just first say my heart goes out to you. Understand secondly that porn isn't always about sex for a man. Many times porn represents control, acceptance, or escape.Many people who suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, such as individuals that return from war, have experienced a near death experience, have suffered abuse, or survived rape were not at choice in their circumstances and therefore felt out of control. In order to survive the brain needs coping mechanisms. Coping Mechanisms can be overeating, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, porn. These create temporary escapes in order to survive and not break down.Most times over indulging in any of these behaviors becomes addictive, due to the fact they activate pleasure centers in our brain. Your patience and love and committment will help your husband I can assure you. Many times returning soldiers whose very survival depended on tuning out his emotions, operate from the primitive brain...eating,drinking,sleeping. And not much else. Here's my advice to you...Treat him like you just met him.This is not the same man.He needs to get to know you, trust you, all over again. You are perhaps trying to pick up in your relationship where you left off.Start fresh as if this is a new partner. Take it slow. It may take a few years. Don't put pressure on him, however you are going to have to create trust and a safe environment for a new relationship to be planted.Get to know this man's weaknesses, strengths,likes, dislikes, as if you just met.Gentle slow non sexual touch...hand massages, feet massages, eventually back rubs, scalp massages. This will help him relearn trust, get in touch with his body.Remember to survive, he has had to "numb" himself.You are just trying to bring awareness back to his body. Porn removes the intimacy, it removes the stress of having to perform, it does not require anyone touching him. His trust, his body, and his mind have been violated by the ravages of war and the ugliest of human behavior.This will change a person drastically. Just love him. As far as you are concerned you are doing great, hang in there. Please email me, I'd love to work with you alone, if you so desire. It is very important you have your own support network to lean on.
amelina, there is hope for you and your husband, but that does not mean that the road will necessarily be an easy one. You may not like this, but I would suspect that the problem is not really about him preferring porn over sex. I would suspect that this has a lot more to do with your husband's deployment to Afghanistan. Depending on your husband's experience being deployed in a war theater, there can be many lasting effects. Did he experience any losses in his unit? Were there times when things were critical in terms of danger he faced? Has he been otherwise different (changes in personality, ability to deal with situations, avoiding things, ....) since coming back from his deployment? Have the spouses of other members of his unit also experienced difficulties? Has he been getting ongoing support (mental health or spiritual) through his branch of the service, the VA or some other source? I have worked with returning service members and it can take work for them to be able to open back up to their spouses - both because of what they have gone through and because of the fear of the hurt if something would go wrong. With help for you as a couple and also, if needed, for him, this can get better.