Asked by charbear on
Is my relationship doomed?
My boyfriend of six months is going through a nasty divorce. They have been separated for over a year, but the ex isn't agreeing to anything. My bf has a good job but is struggling financially. He admitted that he is still paying ALL of his ex's bills, including providing her with a new vehicle to drive. I have expressed my concern about this. I feel like I am his second priority, at best. He says once the divorce is final, he will stop paying everything, except child support, of course. Excuse me! What's wrong with now??
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They aren't even divorced and he's still paying her bills only she is living at another place. So, it's kind of like they are still married. Is he supposed to snap out of it and forget it? that takes a few more years. Of course he's struggling financially. He has a family to provide for. Even though it's a divorced family, he's still paying for her car and bills. That doesn't leave much to live on. Hopefully he will be able to reason with her to be a little bit fair in the financial area but, as for you, he's still married as marriage goes.
The biggest mistake you've both made here is dating each other when he is is still only SEPARATED, NOT DIVORCED, SEPARATED. There is so much emotional turmoil at the dissolvement of a marriage, the last thing either person of the parting couple should be doing is trying to latch onto someone else. Even if it is only a long term comitted couple who never married that decides to part, the actions are the same; BACK OFF AND LET HIM CLOSE THE CHAPTER OF HIS MARRIAGE AND LET HIM GET HIMSELF BACK ON TRACK.
Griping over feeling like his second priority is juvenile. Of course you shouldn't be first, especially now! Why are you trying to entangle yourself in such a mess? If you want to be put on a pedestal, then go find a man who is single/divorced/completely unattached and has more than enough love, energy and time to give to you NOW instead of having you waiting on a lingering Ex of theirs to disappear. What makes my point even more valid is that they have a child together, so there's a whole other element added to this triangle.
If you're that unhappy just being his supportive (yet silent) bystander while he rides through the legal waves of unmatrimony, then leave him alone. He needs to focus on himself and his child, and you need to butt out and quit trying to compete with his 'stressors'. You're only making things worse.
I know you're mad because 'she had him first' and you're resentful that they are still entwined, but guess what? She was his Wife, and more than likely, you're destined as only the rebound girlfriend. Sorry to be so harsh, but I always tell it like it is, and I've experienced both sides of the coin of this particular scenario. 9 times out of 10 you're only fooling yourself into believing that of course THIS time willl be different because THIS man will be different. A lie women have been telling themselves over and over again.
Either take a few steps back and let him do what he needs to do, or wish him well and go your separate ways. Good luck!
They have a child together. You should be second priority. His first is making the transition easier on their child. As far as paying her bills, his child lives with her. If she needs a car to drive the child around, I understand that he wants to help her. Right now, he is probably just trying to get through the divorce. If he stops paying bills, the divorce may take even longer and become nastier. For now, let him handle his divorce and his money the way he chooses. You are there for support.