Asked by OvertheMoon on
How do I get myself back?
I've been divorced for years, raised 2 kids. I'd been going along in my life OK, pursuing my interests, living as a single woman. And then one day this past summer, things turned upside down in my life when a man that I had not met but hired to do some repairs in my house pulled up my drive. There was an instant connection. It wasn't supposed to happen, but it did. I fell head over heels in love with this man. To make a long story short, he moved in for a while with me. Because of him, I started to care more about my appearance and I was totally a woman in love. I know he cared for me, but love? I don't know. About two months later, this past December, he began to distance himself. He moved out and although he said he'd always care for me, he was no longer there physically for me and what hurts the most is that he is distancing himself mentally and emotionally as well. I never thought I'd love a man like I do this one again, and I'm having a heck of a time getting over him. I don't recognize myself anymore. I still love him. He is a good man, but it's kind of obvious that he no longer wants me in his life. I keep my phone by me waiting for his call, I have been unable to sleep in the bed that we shared. I sleep in a recliner in the living room with the aid of a sleeping pill. I have no appetite, and although losing weight isn't a bad idea, this isn't the way I want to do it. I can't concentrate on anything. I keep the TV on when I'm home as background noise and in hopes that maybe something might come on that will hold my attention a little bit - you know, get my mind off my pain. I need the background noise of the TV so my mind won't wander to the obvious pain always waiting in the wings. I can't read, forget watching a movie. I have to force myself to do routine tasks. Yes, I'm suffering from depression to begin with, but since the loss of this man whom I still love, waking hours are painful. He left some of his clothes and they are still in the bedroom. I know I should pack them up, but somehow doing that will finalize the inevitable -- and I'm afraid to face the inevitable. I have one of his hoodies hanging in the hall and sometimes when I go by, I'll bury my face in it just to inhale his scent and for a brief moment it's like I'm in his arms again, but then reality hits quick and below the belt and the pain is just about more than I can handle because I feel so damn alone. I need closure, but how, if he, in his own words has been "busy", too busy to even take the time to talk. I'm part of the problem there because on this subject, it's hard for me to talk without my voice getting all quavery, without crying, and I get so mad at myself that emotion takes over my voice when I'm trying to talk to him. I think I'm still living for the day he comes back -- my heart says maybe, but my mind says it isn't going to happen, but I don't know how to move on. I still love him.
Vicky
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I thank you both for your replies. I keep rereading them for strength. Six months ago before I met this man, I was the strong one, the one others came to with their problems. I was independent and wasn't even looking for anyone and then this man came into my life. Then I changed. Everything changed. I'd hardly dared to believe how happy I was with this man. Now, after only a few months with him, and now that he is gone, I am spineless --- I've got a spine made of jello. When I'm conscious -- as in not sleeping, I'm in pain. Sleep is the only relief I have from this pain and so I pop a sleeping pill. Four years ago I moved away from the city where most of my friends are, so I'm in the country now with no one around and the absence of this man makes my "aloneness" even more poignant now. I hate coming home now. Most of my waking hours I'm in tears -- and it's been over two months now. Sometimes I just shake. I am going to see a psychiatrist tomorrow in hopes of being prescribed something that will take the edge off the raw emotion I've been living. At my darkest moments, the thought of my daughters and granddaughter has been my anchor. Although they don't live close, I know they need me and I won't leave a horrible legacy for them. But I need to end the pain.
I packed up most of his clothes yesterday. It's now even harder to walk into that bedroom.
If someone told me six months ago what I'd be going through today, I wouldn't have believed them. I'm not the same person and I don't really want to go back being the same person I was six months ago.
I realize that whatever I do, I will have to muster a lot of what I have left inside of me to accomplish anything. But I'm a bowl of jello now - shaky, wobbly and spineless. Every waking hour is an effort.
I will keep rereading your responses. They are my lifeline right now.
Thank you.
Vicky
Excellent advice from turtledove. I want to add that you might want to learn from you mistakes this time, so you don't have a repeat of this experience. You didn't mention a timeline on how quickly you knew him before he moved in. If it was less than two years, you'll want to take things more slowly next time. It takes time to see how someone will consistently treat you. The beginning 4 to 6 months are not reality. Hormones are running wild. Don't make major life changes at that beginning stage. When you get too serious way to fast, it's like a star that shines so bright, that it has to implode.
Another thing. Always have your own life besides your man. I don't know if you do, but if you don't, find a new hobby. If you don't have a girlfriend to hang out with, try to make some new girlfriends. Men like attention, but they don't like being the center of your universe. They need time to miss you when you occasionally meet up with a girlfriend for dinner, or spend time away on your hobby. Confident women with their own lives or interests are very attractive to men. Go to meetups.com to meet both men and women in the same activities that you enjoy. Some are for singles and some are open to everyone. Good luck.
Oh, and I meant to add that if it's at all possible for you, give yourself a treat and re-decorate your bedroom. If it's so difficult for you to be in there, I think buying new sheets and comforter at the least will help-- and sleeping in a bed will help you sleep. Look at a few decorating blogs and do something special and girly just for yourself. Consider it a gift to yourself that you will bring into the house as you remove all of your ex's belongings.
Vicky, I am truly sorry for your pain. Breakups are always difficult and I think the first one, either the first one ever or the first one after you've gotten back out there after marriage-- well, those are just the worst because you haven't memorized the pattern for getting your life back afterwards.
I consider emotional wounds to be much like physical ones. Right now you are wounded and bleeding. It's fine to be hurt-- to curse, scream, cry, and get a little bit crazy. It's the acute pain of a new wound, so give yourself permission to grieve that you've been wounded. But after a time-- maybe a week, certainly no longer than a month, you've got to stop wallowing in it. Smelling the hoodie, keeping his clothes about, contacting him in the hopes that he'll give you the answer you want-- all these things are serving to keep you bleeding. You're going to have to put a bandage on it-- get rid of his things, give up your dream of this relationship, give up on the idea that talking to him and gaining "closure" will somehow do you any good. Because, point blank, no amount of explaining or talking or screaming at each other will make you feel any better about this. He. Is. Not. Coming. Back. I think you need to stop trying to make that not true-- it isn't delaying the pain, it's just dragging it out.
Next, you'll be walking wounded. You've got a bandage on it, but it's still going to hurt and you won't be able to put stress on it or it will re-open. Practically, what this means is to find something that you can get excited about-- whether that's friends, a hobby, a class, the next season of your favorite show-- whatever, find something that gives you pleasure. Remind yourself of all the ways in which life can be good. This is the phase of a break-up where most experts will tell you to stay busy. I won't advise you to stay extra busy if you're not a busy sort of person, but you need some activity that makes you excited so that you'll have something to re-direct yourself to when you start to wallow.
Gradually, you'll start to feel better. You won't think about him every moment of every day. The wound will scab over-- and itch like mad. Resist the urge to scratch and for the love of god, don't pick at it. You'll just make it bleed again. No Facebook stalking, no emails, no googling his name, no driving by his house-- you'll want to, but find something else to do instead. Knit 10,000 socks for needy children, anything but give in to the urge to check up on him. You will not like what you find and you risk ending up back at square one.
Finally one day, you'll wake up and realize that you've forgotten him-- what he looks like, what he smells like-- you'll just wake up and realize he's gone. But you've got to do the work to get there. I wish you luck and much joy.