Asked by Slaw on
Infidelity
I have been with my husband for 6 years (we've been married 5 of those 6 yrs), and we have a 4 yr old daughter. When we met the realtionship started off as casual, however we quickly realized we shared deeper feelings for one another. My husband had been previously married and at the time had 12 year old son. Soon after we married my husband underwent a reversal surgery, as he had previously had a vasectomy for 11 years (his first wife did not want anymore children). After the procedure the doctor informed us that it make take 2 years to get pregnant, which we were comfortable with. Amazingly enough, we became pregnant in a months time. So we fast track to present day, and what I thought was a great marriage with the exception of life's hardships (his unemployment, conflicts with our son, ect.). So Christmas Eve my husband, who has recently started to develop a relationship with God- confesses that he has been unfaithful with four women at maybe a total of 15 times throughout our marriage (mind you he also admitted to not wearing protection more than half the time). Throughout this he has never blamed me for his infidelities, but when I ask him why- he gives a hosts of reason's "did not feel he was satisfying me, bordem, hornyness, entitled", that he said he used to rationalize his behavior. But that doesn't really answer the question "why" for me, so that is why we're in couples therapy. However, I can't understand why anyone would get married if they are not committed to being faithful. He said the first "slip" up was shortly after we married. He also slept with 3 women that he has had past sexual relationships with. I have tried to understand what he was getting from these women, but to really no avail. One of the women is one of his best friends wife (the husband has been deceased for almost 5 years- but my husband was sleeping with her prior to his friends death and during our marriage), however, they loathe one another. So what I can't understand is how does he marry me, and the sleep around with women he's not physically attracted to or emotionally drawn to. What purpose is being served here aside from sex? Also, can trust be rebuilt after something like this? I've constanlty read about rebuilding after an affair, but it always seems like some isolated event with a reflection on the marriage. Instead I am dealing with someone who is telling me they've never been happier in their life and would never want to lose me. Yet he has cheated on me throughout the marriage at our lowest and happiest of times. I should also express that he admitted to never having been faithful to anyone in his life.
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Men who cheat almost always do so with someone who is far less attractive than his original partner because most of the time, the purpose IS just sex. A great deal of men say they do it out of selfishness and fear of being honest with their partner about distance they feel from them in their relationship/marriage. As long as there are people out there willing to cheat with them, it's easier to accomplish infidelity than facing the work of keeping a union alive, healthy, and always growing. As the saying goes, 'Men are only as faithful as their options.' Can you rebuild trust? Sure, but it will take one hell of a fight and a long time to get there. You won't ever be able to forget what he's done, but if you can find the strength to (eventually) genuinely forgive his indescrections, then you can be happy again. It can't ever be the same as before of course, but it is more than possible to be better down the road.
Continue on with the counseling if you want to save your marriage, it's a necessary block in your recovery. Give yourself a timeframe if you need to. You are really the cardholder in this scenario, remember that. Good luck :
What a tough scenario you're dealing with! My heart goes out to you, and I applaud you for being in couples therapy. Having worked with many couples who faced infidelity I will say that rarely does the infidelity make sense. The biggest "red flag" now is your husband admitting that he has never been faithful to anyone. There are some who never seem to be able to truly live a life of complete faithfulness, and seem to have a twisted sense of morality. You likely will not change your husband.
That leaves you with a problem. Do you stay with him, realizing that it is highly unlikely that he will be faithful from here on? Or do you end your marriage and work to have an amicable relationship for the sake of your daughter? Only you can answer these questions. I invite you to grab your courage with both hands and step into a life built on a foundation of healthy behavior. You're worth it!
Thank you so much for your kind words. I do believe that no one can change unless they want to do it for themselves. I think there are a few reasons as to why I am still here, the first trying to understand why this could happen- since I am still working through seperating myself from his actions. It's as if the logical side of me know's that his problems are his and his alone, however, I am unable to seperate the hurt of this situation, as if in some way I have failed. So I think the process with help with my own self healing as well. But I also am not sure if I believe whether he will or will not do it again. Since it was his confession and his new relationship with God that brought him to full disclosure. If he makes this a priority for himself, whether we stay together or not- can he change, can he change a deep rooted character flaw that he has lived and acted out his whole life?
And how do I know when im ready to throw in the towel- even if I believe he wants to change for himself. I know that I still love him, but I used to feel like my husband could do anything- I thought he and our relationship was something quite unique and special, and I don't feel that way anymore. Is that normal, and when do I know that there is no repairing this? Thank you again for your helpful advice.