Asked by ridethebeanie on
Boyfriend Losing Attraction for Me
Last night I got the shock of my life. My boyfriend of over two years told me he thought we should break up. I was very surprised that he would go to this extreme so fast but I had been getting mixed feelings from him about our relationship for just about two weeks. To give you some background information, he travels a lot and is gone now five days a week normally. For the past year I have been having problems with alcohol and have gained several pounds as a result. He hadn't ever really told me these things were a problem but apparently they had been festering in his thoughts for a little under a year. Recently two of our closest friends got engaged. It really inspired me to try harder with our relationship and to rework a few things because I really want to marry him. Apparently the engagement did the opposite for him as he told me couldn't imagine marrying me in this state. He told me that he was not attracted to me anymore partly because of the weight gain and partly because he lost respect for me because I "let" myself go. He is an active person who has participated in vigorous sports throughout his life. I can see how he is nervous that I might be not healthy enough for him. But lately he hasn't been able to work out for months because of his demanding job. I told him I would get us both a gym membership and immediately stop drinking for good and he seemed to reconsider the break up. The huge problem is I'm not sure if he is just staying in the relationship now to be nice because he says he still loves me or if he truly will help me make my transformation. Losing weight takes time and I'm also worried that he will lose interest for good if it takes me too long. Please help me with some advice since he is gone on business again for three days and I'm going to pull my hair out! Anything would be appreciated.
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It is shocking when a partner drops a bomb like this but sometimes it provides a much needed "wake up call." It sounds like you have not been taking care of YOU for the sake of you for a long time. Why is that? I suggest a little self-examination, asking yourself some tough questions: 1. what is fueling the drinking? if it is a true addiction, it doesn't matter why, you will have to get help and not touch alcohol again; if it is a response to stress you need to find the source of the stress. 2. what do I want for my own life, regarding my health? No matter who your partner is, you need certain standards for your life. Trying to quickly change your behavior to keep him will not prove sustainable. Knowing yourself, how you want to live your life, and adhering to your own core principles will. Look for encouragement and resources at singlescoach.com. All the best - Nina
It sounds like you have lost your attraction for you.
To begin with you should not be loosing weight or stop drink for him. You should do this for YOURSELF. The biggest mistake that two people can make in relationships is making changes for the other person. This makes you co-dependent and that is not healthy.
If you want to your boyfriends love and desire back then start with loving yourself and desiring your own happiness based on YOUR OWN needs. Nothing is more enticing for a man than a woman that independently takes care of herself, loves herself and is driven and passionate about her life, what she does and who she does it.
When he is traveling he wants to return to a woman he can't stand being away from. Is that you? If not, put your focus there and not on winning back your man. If he loved you before and desired you before, he will desire you even more when you are focussed on being the amazing Goddess you want to and should be.
What ever you had in the past will pail by comparison. Who knows, you may discover he is not the right man for you. At the very least you will be able to step back and look at the relationship as a true partnership. If you are not doing that, then what you have does not have the foundation it needs for either of you to see each other fully or be seen by the other.
Ask yourself a few questions: 1) How much do I love myself? 2) Do I REALLY want to stop drinking and loose weight? 3)Am I changing who I truly am in order to receive love? - and if so is it really love?
In order to make and sustain any major change in your life, you need to do it for you and you only. Write down a list of reasons why you want to change. If you cannot find any very personal reasons that will motivate you, the change will not last. If you change for someone else you are saying that you are not worthy of being loved for who you are and you will wind up resenting him for "making" you change.
It sounds to me that there are a lot of issues here - both with you and with him. Examine the relationship very closely. Your friends engagement put a spark in you. You say you want to marry him - but do you want to be with someone for the rest of your life who wants you to act and look a certain way? (I've been there done that and it's not fun.) Do you love him for who he is or do you have a fairy tale playing in your mind of what could be?
You are concerned that he will lose interest in you if loosing weight takes too long - how much of your relationship is based on physical attraction vs mental attraction as well as love and respect?
If you are having a problem with drinking maybe you should contact AA for support. Why are you drinking? What are you getting out of drinking?
Keep the serenity prayer in mind: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." There is ONLY one thing you can change - and that's YOU! - You can change your actions, your beliefs, your attitude etc.
Find yourself - be happy with yourself and believe that the right man (if it is your boyfriend or someone else) will come to you at the perfect time.