Asked by Paige on
What is going on?
My boyfriend of almost 8 months was my best friend for 6years. At first we had a great sex life, the last 5-6months...I wouldn't even say has been decent. He says he's indifferent to sex, so it's not a big deal. I'm a sexual person, that just doesn't sit well with me. I've tried talking to him about it, tried seducing him, tried even taking him out to dinner first and home after...nothing. I finally told him that to me it seems like he's not attracted to me anymore and he's hurting me by being so "indifferent." Please help! I don't know what to do!
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Generally speaking sex is a barometer for how the relationship is going. Desire diminishes when there is stuffed anger. There is a clearing process which I use with clients that the two of you can do if you are willing which will bring the real issue to the surface and regenerate passion or determine that you are not in synch.
Here is a small part of the process which is presented in full in my book. Each of you must participate for this to work.
Take time to discuss extensive endings to the following statements:
a. I am with you because...
b. My feelings were hurt when . . .
c. I get angry when...
d. I resist new ideas from you when . . .
e. I resent you when...
f. I want to take revenge on you when...
g. I hate you when...
h. You always...
i. You never...
j. I don’t want to forgive you when . . .
k. I want to believe...
l. I love you because...
You get the idea. You can add statements that are specific for you as long as they are not accusations and they express your feelings about the situation and your relationship. The goal is to get to the tiniest resentments and hurts that you have stored up for however long you two have been together.
You might need a coach to help you accomplish this. I have seen seriously estranged couples completely turn around and end up in bed and closer than ever after doing this process.
When you are with someone you expect to support them in their happiness. He is not really supporting you sexually. Is he not telling the truth about either how he feels with you or is he carrying unsaid guilt for what his needs really are?
If he cannot meet your needs sexually, what other needs does he provide for you? Would he be open to having you meet your sexual / romance needs with someone else?
It's all about telling the truth to yourself and being brave with each other. Keep your love for each other as a priority and how your relationship ends up looking may pleasantly surprise you both. Try to appreciate the good you bring each other.
Articles that I've written may be helpful www.tantracore.wordpress.com
People with oposing libidos are rarely happy together. That's the point of dating--to find someone who matches you in all of the major, important ways. Move on.
Well, if the sex means that much to you, maybe you should take some time away from each other and try to figure out if it is worth leaving the relationship over. If he is truly indifferent to it and does not want to try and do it more often, then you may have to consider being friends again.