Asked by kitty mama on
I'm 41, he's 23. Can it work?
I have been dating a 23 year old man for a few months now. I thought it would just be fun and casual, but I'm starting to develop serious feelings for him. I know he's feeling something too, but he's guarded from a past heartbreak. He's not what I expected for his age, in many areas he's more mature than men my age. Ultimately he wants marriage and kids (several years from now) and I don't. I don't see us together for the rest of our lives, but can a serious committed relationship between us work at all?
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It seems I need to clarify my question a bit. I do not want to get married again, however, I am open to a long term committed relationship (I no longer see the need for a piece of paper to say I'm committed to someone). I do not want to marry him, and what I meant by 'can it work' was is it possible to have a happy, committed relationship that lasts for several years? No relationship lasts forever, I'm just being realistic.
He doesn't want kids until he's at least 30. That's 7 years from now. I wouldn't consider it a waste of time to be together if we're both happy with the relationship. I just want to know if that happiness is obtainable.
We have the three elements that Susan Sheppard posted, other than the kids issue. When he talks about having kids, his motivations are not at the point where HE wants children because he loves them. They are so his mother can have grandchildren and his family name can continue. I don't look at those as serious paternal feelings. They may develop later.
As for the rest of your life relationships, how realistic is that really? How many of us began or stayed in relationships we wanted for the rest of our lives and they ended for one reason or another? I don't think that way.
Okay, I understand now. It sounds like you're asking, "Will our happiness be real and long-lasting, or will he eventually dump me due to my age?"
It's impossible for us to know.
How is he with other relationships that are inconvenient for him? Easy going and loving? Exacting and demanding? Is he nice to his mom when she complains or is he itching to get off the phone and out the door?
why would you want to have a committed serious relationship if you know it's not for the rest of your life? that is confusing to me. at what point would you say "well, this committed serious relationship has been great, but see ya?" that's awkward and hurts everyone involved. just be clear with him about what you want, and see what he says.
Why waste his time? He wants marriage and kids. You don't. Let him find someone to love that shares his future goals.
Anyone can have a serious committed relationship if they have the right elements. There are three essential elements to a relationship and a relationship cannot survive long term without all three. They are Chemistry, Love/Respect, and Compatibility. Chemistry is usually the first attraction, then you must determine if you have the rest. Compatibility issues will likely destroy your relationship several years down the road. His wanting children when you don't is a deal breaker. It is a compatibility issue. Enjoy the encounter, but don't expect to have a long term committed relationship unless you can agree on the deal breaker issues that arise from your age and maturity and life experience differences.
You both want different things in life and are in different stages in life. This could be fun for awhile, but eventually you will have to go separate ways. Even if he seems more mature than a lot of men, he still is only 23. He's a kid. He just does not have the life experience that you do.
i agree with everything vetteG has said but apart from if he was the marriying kind he would have by now, hes only 23, plenty of time. the age gap is far too much for any chance of happy ever after. he wants a family ect...it just isnt going to happen with you. see this for what it is.abit toyboy fun. i would let him go and for you to find somebody else you can spend the rest of your life with.
We aren't answering because we don't understand your question.
Are you asking: Will he ever get serious enough about me to marry me? The answer is probably no. He's not the marrying type. (If he were, he'd have married by now.)
Are you asking: Would he be good for fun and games? Sure, but wouldn't you rather find someone who loves you and wants to be with you forever?