Asked by Jenlia5683 on
Give Advice: Is It Him Or Am I Depressed?
I have been w/ my boyfriend for 13 years....I usually am a very active person and have been pretty busy throughout the years so i never really put too much time into thinking about marriage and children. I am a hopeless romantic and always thought in the back of my mind that it would eventually happen. i would prefer these things to happen more organically than to push for it.
Well the years trucked on by and around year 8 it hit me that we bought a home together that my name was not on however i was contributing towards the bills, we never discussed this or marriage or children. So i brought it up and found that it was not a pleasant topic for him. Some how he had become complaicent and comfortable the waay things have been between us for years. i tried bringing up these topics from time to time through out year 8 and 9. During this period of time i was traveling back and forth to work on a daily basis 2 hours each way and i had been doing this for about 4-5 years. I found that i was getting really stressed out and tired unable to focus at work....around the same time that this was happening my mother passed away suddenly.
After she passed i started getting severe panic attacks and depression. I was looking for some emothional support from my boyfriend but i felt disconnected. I trucked thru the next year and found out i was pregnant. We now have a beautiful baby boy who is fastly approaching two years old. I had some complication with my pregnancy and was put on strict bed rest at about the 5 month mark so i decided to leave my job and have been home ever since. I thought it would be nice to be able to just relax and deal with my stresses and depression and focus on the baby....but unffortunately i feel worse than ever....i have never been the type of person to let things bother me for to long, never had panic attacks and never had depression so bad that i can't function.
When i feel this way i find myself thinking about starting fresh and how i can not do this anymore. I have tried to talk to him about this and at first he wouldn't even talk. then as i kept pushing him and pushing him he finally sat and listened and all he can say is he feels tortured. My problem now is that we have been together for so long and i do love him but i feel something missing. I feel afraid to leave him especially in this mental state. I avoid taking medication because it makes me feel worse. I feel like i could get thru this rough patch in my life if i had some emotional supportive people around me. unfortunately i live in florida and the rest of my friends and family live in massachusetts. I feel if i leave this isn't fair to my son and or his father. But i just don't envision a future here. I also am wondering if the anxiety and depression is caused by the current state of my relation or if it was my mothers passing???
I have talked to my friends and family and they all say i have to ultimately make the decision but they will be there for support. I need an experts opinion. I feel so tired of this roller coaster ride that i have been on for the last three years????
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Oh my gosh :( I read this first sentence and paused for a min. I'm so sorry that your going through this. I know your feeling lonely but God is always near and he listens. One of the common mistakes couples make is not being on the same page. 13 years of dating??? I have never in my life ever heard of that. As far as dating, that's too long if you both didn't establish in the begging that you would not get married. Woman should not wait around and assume that the guy will figure out your deep thoughts. You got to tell them and if you don't like their reaction then it's time to go. I don't cry easily but your story almost got me. I'm so so sorry about your loss. I can relate to your anxiety symptoms, I don't choose to take medicine, But know that you will have to make some life changes in order for it to get better. Also, as far as getting help you can talk to a therapist. I don't like the fact that your bf is not understanding what your going through, that's so hurtful. I hope you'll take the best advice given.
Best wishes,
Fofo
am so sorry for your loss, and i hope you get grounded in God and he will give you peace, and heal any anxitey , but as far as your baby daddy, i do understand why he would not want to get married because he dont have to he is getting everything that a married couple get without the commintment, look at it like this if some one give you a million dollars for free and you dont have to work for it will you take it , (yes you will so i tell a lot of women this , do start out like this it might end like this ) having sex and shacking up with a guy before marriage is very tricky , because you play wife doesnt mean that you are , you have to see what it is to him , and right now you need to think about your future and your child , do you want your child to grow up in a house that is not family , or do you believe that God will bring you out on top , but first you have to let go and trust God and also love yourself first so if you are not happy in this situation , then do something about it , you cant control anyone else action but you can contorl yours be bless my sister
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A man will produce results based on your level of expectation and what you ask for. Your appetite as a woman is what drives relationship. You have not set a standard for your man to meet. You are settling for what he offers and it is not satisfying to you. Raise your standard, see if he continues to produce for you and if he doesn't, he is the wrong man for you to be with in relationship. Women do the choosing and women do the ending of relationships, so raise the bar and more will be revealed to you about who this man is. Clarity about what you want is your first goal. Next learn to ask for what you want in a way that he can hear you. Get a coach if you are not sure how to proceed with your personal awareness journey.
This makes perfect sense! I am a logical person and always tried this method throughout our relationship but instead of asking so clearly in a way that he would understand i would drop hints and this is probably where i went wrong. I guess i feel like if it ends then i am to blame for not being precise and this fact hurts me because it was not my intentions to hurt him, or the baby. I would never want to do that!!! I can say that i have been a lot firmer and clearer lately in what i have been asking for and he has slowly started to take action but i still feel something missing. Do you think that it is possible that i waited too long and now it is so far gone that no matter what i ask for and what he produces that i am just so angry about us getting to this point that it truly wont work out???
While I agree with lots of the feedback you have been given, I am going to risk pushing back a bit with you. Two things are driving you right now: one, depression/anxiety which is not being treated, and two, relationship dissatisfaction. It's not clear if one is affecting two, but it is clear that you are in crisis with one. The VERY FIRST thing you need is professional help. Depression and anxiety can reach a "tipping point" where you are no longer capable of making rational choices for your life. Get treatment, whether it is where you live now or back home with friends and family.
Research shows that when one person in a relationship becomes depressed the likelihood of a breakup or divorce skyrockets because it is almost impossible for the partner to adequately respond and help. It's unreasonable for you to expect him to fix how you feel. It's unreasonable for you to drift along for so many years not communicating your needs, then suddenly begin doing so in the middle of a major depression, and be upset because he doesn't respond the way you want. But I think, again, that all of this is being driven by depression.
Bottom line: get professional help, and don't make any life-altering choices until you are solidly in recovery from your depression. Give your relationship a chance when the clouds begin to clear from your mind and heart. He is your son's father. Couples can go through severe downturns and turn it around - I know many, many who have. Now is not the right time to throw in the towel. When you are ready, go back to the table and negotiate your needs with a strong professional who will advocate for both of you. I'm a believer in "earning your way out" of a long-term relationship. Only after giving him and yoursellf a long road to work on the issues, and realizing together that it's not going to work, but finding forgiveness and closure, are you truly ready to move on.
There are many ways to meet women, especially when you have a young child. Join a Mommy and Me group. Libraries have activities for parents and their children. It's great to have other women to talk to, who are in the same life stage as you. Attend counseling with your husband. Don't you want to give it your best shot before throwing in the towel? Sometimes people need to learn skills to communicate better, and have an insight how to meet the others needs. Maybe if you meet another mother you can trust, trade babysitting hours. Have a regular date night with your husband. Do things that are emotionally connecting like giving each other a long kiss. Really hug him warmly when he's leaving for work or coming home. Write a letter about what you appreciate about him. If you start doing these things for him, he should respond in kind. If not, at least you know that YOU tried. Good luck.
It's funny because one of my friends from up north actually advised me to go to the library to meet other moms too!! I neglected to because of my depression and anxiety!!! That was about a year ago! I probably should have tried it out. I do want to make it work, but this is proving to wear me out. I speak and he hears me totally different from what i am actually trying to convey. I have tried speaking to him from all different approaches and he just doesn't seem to get it. Just today i reached my breaking point and was crying early this morning as he was getting ready for work and told him that i can't seem to stop thinking about what is next for me as i am not working, how stressed out i feel and the anxiety and depression is weighing heavy on me. So he says so what are you telling me. And i wanted some comfort from him, advise or a conclusion. The fact is that i live in a quiet country town, where my resources are limited and i have no friends or family to help me to get out of this funk. Naturally the only person i have is him and he is just not helping me. I think truly he doesn't know what to do for me so he does nothing. I told him that i think for my health that i should go up north for a while and he started getting upset and yelling that i am so selfish and that i am taking his kid away. I don't understand him. I approached the situation this morning to him that i don't feel well and i am lonely and i feel like i am going insane. I can not function in this state of mind and u think if he cared about me and he knows that he can't help me he would want me to get to a better place but instead he makes me feel guilty about the bills and our son. Naturally i want things to work or i wouldn't have tortured myself to this extent but i truly feel like the pressure is on me to make this work. I can't do it alone. Do you think that maybe i should go up north and get my head straight or do you think this would make it worse?
I think you need to respond to what your heart and instinct are telling you about your boyfriend. If the person you love won't help you at your lowest then you need to honestly evaluate your relationship. If his biggest concern about you getting better is the cost then what does that say about his priorities regarding you. I know its hard, but you have to put aside the notions that he is a nice guy, etc. Your son also needs to grow-up in a home where the parents are emotionally available and generous or the cycle will repeat when he is an adult.
Hi Jenlia5683.
Sorry to hear about your mother's passing, and although that could naturally trigger anxiety and depression, it seems more likely, in your case, to be coming from the sudden realization that you are more alone in your relationship than you thought. Anxiety and depression are good messengers, showing up to help us feel or to confirm that we are not where we belong.
When you tried to discuss your feelings with him, he said "he feels tortured," which gives you no validation, and does nothing to reassure you that he understands your points, or that he will try to put more effort in to connect with you. He, instead, mentions his pain (a clue).
Sounds to me like you have slowly become conscious of the fact that this man isn't delivering the kind of love, life, or relationship you imagined yourself having, but that you are hopeful it would-and can-change. I'm not getting that vibe though, and my gut tells me your new panic attacks are telling you the same thing and you feel trapped and alone, especially now with a baby.
Staying stuck and unhappy isn't good for kids either, don't forget. When you take care of yourself, he will benefit far more than if you stay unhappy and model a poor quality relationship. If the man hasn't stepped up by now, what are you waiting for? What would he have to do to make you want to be with him completely, and CAN he do that? Emotionally, you are leaving already, and the fear of the unknown will subside as soon as you step into it. Being alone with someone is far lonelier than actually being alone (single); keep the fear of taking action at bay by taking one step at a time. This could actually be a very exciting break-through for you.
I appreciate your advise. I totally agree with your comment about anxiety and depression being messengers to help us confirm want we want and what paths we should take. I agree they guide us to where we should be. To me this is instinctual and that is why i opted not to take medicine, which in my opinion is just sweeping the dirt under the rug, but if you lift the rug the dirt is still there. I think my gut is telling me something and i am ignoring it. But i am doing this because there are to many factorsand i don't want to hurt anyone which in turn is hurting me! I just decided today that i am going up north for an unknown amount of time to be with friends and family that can help me in this difficult time in my life. I have been crying all week, working myself up to the point that i don't want to do anything, loss of appetite and interest in anything. I know something has to be done. So i told him and at first he was understanding but then he asked how long i was leaving for and me being honest told him i don't know! he got upset and started making me feel guilty, well what about the bills, the house and our son, he says. I told him that my health is more important but he doesn't understand! Do you think i am making the right decision??
Dear Jenlia5683 !
My sincere apology~I am new to this site, and only just realized that you had replied to my posting above and had asked another question. I did not realize that there is no direct notification when replies are written, so I did not know you had responded to my post until just now, when I stumbled upon the way to find this specific question/answer section again. Sorry for leaving you hanging like that!
How are things going? How can I help?
Warmly~Teagin
Yes, you are. You have to do what it best for you. Like you said, you HEALTH is more important that the bills. You and your son should go up there and take your time. Don't rush back to where you are. Just focus on getting better and finding ways to feel good. If you discover that you don't want to go back, that is fine too. Just remember that it is better for a child to be raised with 1 happy parent, than in a two parent household and one parent is miserable. Trust me, my mom tried to make it work with my dad, luckily I was too young to know she was unhappy, but my older brother knew and it made him miserable...which made me miserable because I didn't know what was wrong. After they divorced, she was happier and the whole house had a new aura to it! So, it's just something to consider. Good Luck!
Thanks for the encouragement......I think this is so hard for me because i have been out here in florida for 10 years alone!!! I keep second guessing myself. Thanks again. And thanks to everyone that resoponded....also i still invite any new thoughts or opinions. Just hearing an unbiased opinion is great and makes me feel the support that i lack.