Asked by nmarie70 on
Give Advice: He Can't Take The Fighting Anymore. Are We Through?
My boyfriend and I are going through what I believe is a rough patch right now. We've been together for 14 months. He is in the service and will be out in 11 days. We both have promise rings on our fingers and have discussed marriage, etc. We got into an argument about something and I took it out of hand. The next morning I woke up to text messages saying he was done for good because he was sick of fighting, but he told me he loved me and that just because he does love me doesn't mean things do not need to change. He didn't talk to me for the rest of the day, I didn't respond to his message. He said he was going to change his phone number because he was sick of his phone provider. But he didn't end up giving the new number to me.
We didn't talk until the next night when he messaged me on his old phone. He said he was done and that he was sorry. He then again told me he loved me and that he was going to his friend's house for poker night. I ended up getting ahold of his new phone number and asked him if this was really what he wanted and he was angry towards me. At first he tried to play it off as if I had the wrong number which was sketchy to me but finally once I had convinced him that I knew it was him he let the act go.
Today we talked and I told him I needed to know if he was done for good or if he needed time so I could move on with my life. He told me he needed time to screw his head back on because he has too much going on in his life. He told me that there is so much that needs to change in our relationship and he just doesn't feel like they will. I replied assuring him things would be fine but expressed my fears as well. He told me he loves me and always will. And that he's not going anywhere or seeing anyone else. He just needs time. Of course I panicked and was frantic. And he got angry with me and told me that if I couldnt give him time to just leave. Which made it sound to me that we were still in a relationship just without the title.. kind of like at a hiatus.
His father just found out that his cancer has spread to his lungs, so he does not have much longer. And he has expressed that he wants to spend a lot of time with his friends because he won't really see them again once he comes home for good as he is stationed in NC right now but lives in NH. He is still wearing his ring as of today. And he has been communicating with me. He also told me that he will let me know when he is ready to talk. I am awfully hurt bu all of this because I miss him. I haven't gone a day without talking to him since he came home from Afghanistan in August.
We've gone through a lot together that has created a strong bond between us which is why I am having such a hard time with this. I lost my virginity to him which is also an added tie to him. He waited for me until I was ready and he became attached as well, he cried and told me that was the first time it's ever meant something to him when we made love. We're a young couple. I just don't know what to do. I've been having trouble sleeping and it's just really affecting me.
I don't know how someone could just throw 14 months after everything we've been through down the drain. We went through so much more than your typical couple especially through his deployment. My plan is to not talk to him. I sent him a final text tonight just letting him know I will give him his space and that I love him. Like I said, he comes home in 11 days so there won't be any distance any longer. It hurts me to see him like this. I just hope that there's a chance of us being together. I've been with him through his dad's cancer since he first found out. He took me to visit his grandparents, which I was the first female to do so, who died a couple years ago. We've both bonded with each others families. Met each others friends. We've been each others "firsts" for so many things. Intimacy was never an issue. I just do not understand how I can fix things. I cannot see myself with anyone else and it is just hard and I'm driving myself nuts!
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Men are complicated. They say one thing and mean another. I hope that things go well between you two, but be distant yourself. I'm not trying to be weird but when I hear "space"...I think of seeing other people. I could be just jaded, but you always have to think of both sides. I've been with a man for 7 years and he suprises me with the things he says. I'm not trying to bring my relationship in this, but just be careful. I know 14 months seems like a long time and it is. But you sound like a smart and confident woman who knows how to handle herself. Things may go wonderful, but he asked for space. If he is so in love and he just got back why would he need space? He's coming back to a woman with unconditional love. Why would he want space? I hope I'm not being a negative Nacy, but just think of yourself first because he wont. Best of luck and I hope that everything goes well. Also I hope he does not let the love of his life go!!!!
Take it from the fiance of a veteran, you have to be VERY patient. PTSD is very overwhelming! Sometimes people with PTSD have a very hard time not only readjusting to the civillian world, but also dealing with stress. Little things like bugs can sometimes send my guy into a rage. I know that sometimes I just have to step back and give him his space to freak out. Also, your guy may be injured in some way. Brain injuries are hard to understand if you aren't in the medical field, but everyone knows that a bomb blast can damage tissue. And if brain tissue is damaged, the brain has to figure out a way to work around the damaged part. It can have a dramatic affect on someone's personality!
It sounds like your guy has TONS of stress, maybe he had lost some of his coping mechanism. Give him some spacce, if he loves you, he'll come back to you.
It seems like he is overwhelmed emotionally. Sometimes we push the person we are closest to away at these times. You become like a funnel for which he can release his worry and anxiety. He cannot control the overwhelming feelings of coming home and possibly losing his father but he can control how close he lets u in. He also may have anxiety about seeing you after so long and he would rather end it now than come back and witness you realizing he is not enough for you. That fear is very strong inside many of us. Give him time, i think he will come around. Read my article on what to do when a man asks for space. I would link it but im on my phone- hence the spelling errors.
Thank you all for the feedback. I gave him a couple days and he ended up telling me he needed to call me, so we talked. Things went great and we've been working on things. He started distancing himself today though, his father is not well at all, just started hospice care today. I feel like he's distancing himself from everyone because he doesn't want to lose anyone else. He told me he'd sit down and talk to me when he comes home in two days so I trust that he will. I believe and have faith that we will be able to fix things through sitting down and actually talking. I just hope he is alright.
You cannot fix him or the relationship. Just let it go. There's an old saying: "If you love someone, let him go. If he comes back, he's yours. If he doesn't, he never was."
Tell him you love him and if he needs some space to clear his head, you will be understanding of that option. Tell him you will still be there for him if he decides to continue in the relationship. Try to not keep calling or texting whenever he is clearing his thoughts. Go to www.CatchHimKeepHim.com. Christian Carter has an ebook you can download to understand the way men think. Best of Luck..........
Allow yourself to cry. Allow yourself to question the status of your relationship for a moment. But you must focus on yourself. When a man asks for space, we need to give it to them with a smile. Although you feel like you are devistated and angry, give him space. You sound like you have a nice bond with your boyfriend, but he does not define you.
Men coming home from service have a long road to get themselves back to what we call "normalcy". Many mixed emotions are involved, fears, memories, and he may even be trying to figure out where he wants to go in life once he returns. Distance always makes the heart grow fonder, espcially if the relationship was meant to be. If he has a lot on his plate right now, you should give him space to get himself together, while you work on YOU.
It may hurt to not speak with him, but if you keep yourself busy and keep yourself distant from him, answers about the relationship will come. Never allow anyone to rob you of your joy. The only thing you can do right now is YOU. And let him sort himself out. If you try and force a man to call you, love you, or be with you when they are not ready,or are focused on other areas of their life, you are setting yourself up for failure.
Keep your head up.
You are not being realistic. There is a transition period he will need to go through as well as adapting to the civilian world. You have not been together "live" so it is all mere conjecture and dreams of what you want it to be. Most first loves die as we become more adult. This might just be the natural stage of moving on with your life.
Things you will benefit from considering;
1. He has been in Afghanistan and likely has not adequately dealt with what he saw and participated in over there.
2. He is experiencing the potential loss of his father with lung cancer.
3. You have not been together full time for 14 months. You both have grown during that time and you do not know who each other is now as I am sure you have both matured and had some life changing experiences during your separation.
4. Essentially you are starting over.
Push him away as that is what he is choosing to do (pull away) Tell him you love him and just let him be. If he the right guy for you, he will return and you two can begin to nurture your relationship again. I know it will be difficult but focus your attention on being the best person you can be and love him from a distance. Its likely he needs to decompress from his military experience and figure out what he wants to do next. Be patient more will be revealed.
Leave him be. I'm not saying you should give up hope, but you should definitely give him a little time to think. He probably has a lot going through his mind.
Just to give you a heads up if it is actually over..it's not the end of the world. I was with a guy for 4 years, lost my virginity to him as well. Hell, we were engaged to be married(I got cold feet and he took it the wrong way..) Anyways, when we broke up, I was torn, but I had to move on. I decided to take my time getting over him and be by myself and eventually I met my husband. So just know that if it is over, you are young and you can find happiness without him whether you can see it now or not.
Oh man! I was thinking, "14 months, who gives a damn?". Then you went and threw virginity in there, and it's all kinds of F'dup. Time will take of this. there are no real answers for this. Each person has to go through their first love on their own. It's a very personal thing and you think no one can possibly understand how you feel. But don't feel like the Lone Ranger, you're not the first and nor will you be the last to go through something so heart wrenching, and I'm not making light of the situation, but stating the facts as I know them.
Stick in there. Keep your head up. And no matter how this goes, remember there is a seat for every butt and you'll find yours whether its him or someone else. Good luck.
Give him space. If he decides to call you, he will call you. While he takes his time, you take your time. Focus on whatever makes you happy and what your plan to get over him will be if he decides to leave. If he isn't the one, it's not the end of the world.