Asked by ashcake22 on
Give Advice: Should I Be Worried About My Guy's Female Friend?
My boyfriend of almost 7 months has a female friend that he claims is like a sister to him, but they way that they communicate, he talks more to her than his own family. She will call or text really late at night and sometimes the entire time I am with him. I live in New York for school and he lives in my home state and I wouldn't mind the texting so much if we didn't live in different states and got to see each other more often. Sometimes the texting and calling interrupts our time set aside as a couple to communicate with each other. It also worries me that he constantly calls her things like "sweetie" and "love" and they are constantly telling each other that they love each other. I have talked to him about it before, but nothing seems to change. Should I be worried or am I just over reacting?
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If it makes you uncomfortable leave him alone. Trust me. She was there first and it seems like he is not willing to change what they have for you. I have been in that situation. My best friend is a guy, for almost 10 years now, and his last girlfriend could not stand the fact that we talked all the time and said "I love you" to each other. The only difference is that once he found out she felt this way, he told me and I stopped calling at a certain time so they could be alone and I didn't initiate the "i love you"s while she was around.
Thank you. I think this is really helpful! I feel like I have had so many conversations with him about this, not intending to nag, but nothing changed. I'm not sure if they will. I think it would make a huge difference if he had talked to her about it, but I don't think that has happened as she still contacts him super late and her feelings still seem to overshadow mine.
Why don't you try that when you are with him, someone constantly texts you and you even take a few calls....and you just say he is a close buddy...or a classmate and you do coursework and projects together. Some men want to have the entire cake, if he is ok with your closeness then he is just a friend but if he feels threatened then even if nothing is there he tries to make you insecure. In the relationship he is older so he should be more matured. Ask a question to yourself: you are just 23 and in the world's most popular city shouldn't he be threatened for your possibilities of meeting people everyday. Leave aside everything when you meet seldom shouldn't he be making you feel desired and wanted by ignoring everything when he is with you for the little time you spend together. If you cannot stop this now, later he will tell you earlier you never had problems now you have changed. And all this will become a nuisance. Better deal with it now rather then keep ignoring.....You are compromising for the fear of loosing him rather it should be the other way round.....may be might sound a little harsh but girl face the reality.........when it bothers you now it will bother you always.
I've been the guy with a close female friend that concerned my fiancé/wife. During our engagement year we were in likewise in different schools and only saw each other every few weeks for a weekend. But the big difference and why I've been married 33 years is that I put her first. I can't imagine on one of our evenings together back then spending my time on the phone with my friend - male or female or with my actual sister. It's not just out of respect for her and desire to put her first. Those times were precious to me too!. Why the heck would I want to waste it doing anything but be with her? If being with her was not my #1 I obviously would not have been in love. Sure after marriage I didn't need to spend every minute focusing on her - so it was ok to leave her at home and go out with a friend. Not that we didn't have to talk about this sometimes after marriage too - she's human - sometimes she worried about me and a female friend. Sometimes husbands do get neglectful, too - doesn't take a female friend for that to happen. But I've been in love for 33 years, and come hell or high water she is my one and only.
I think that we cannot assume that the boyfriend is underacting, since we don't know how and what was said to him in regards to her concerns.
What we do know is that he seems to answer the calls and texts...and the 7 months consists of a summer and a handful of dates.
I have a theory.
Ashcake,
Did he meet her before or after puberty? Says alot.
:)
Whether you should or not, you are worried!
How about a conversation, sharing your fears and being a demand for a real exchange on this where both of your feelings are honored and at the end, both parties are satisfied, even if you decide to break up.
It's ok, you can pass up on this, but something just like this will likely come up again and if you can be the person to create a courageous conversation, where you are heard and understood and your partner gets the same thing and then choices are made as adults, it'll serve you the rest of your life, no matter how it turns out.
You should be worried. The most worriesome is the fact that she is more important to him than you are. As Ms. Serber stated, you are settling for crumbs. You should not allow any current of future boyfriend to treat you anything less than a unique, special woman unlike any other. He clearly isn't doing that and what is especially worrisome is that he hasn't changed since you have talked with him. Let him go and relish in his "sister" all he wants, but without you.
It's interesting that we second guess our gut? I am not sure if you should be worried for the reasons you may think, but the fact that this friend intrudes on your time with your boyfriend is an issue and reason for concern. You say you've discussed this with him and he continues to allow communications with her to interupt your time with him. The issue is that he isn't listening to your concerns and expressions of discomfort. Sounds like he's even ignoring you. You should never settle for crumbs when you are deserving of the whole cookie! Obviously, there is other information necessary to understand this dilemma: How old are you and he? In the sevon months you've been together, how much of that time has been spent apart? When something in a relationship doesn't feel right and continues the issue alone may not be the issue???
Very true! Good points. I do feel kind of ignored when nothing changes when I express my concerns, but I just figured he was handling it a different way. He is 28 and I am 23. Out of the 7 months, we have been apart for about 5 with a visit maybe every other month.