Asked by Mrs. Something Is Missing on
How do approach the subject of open marriage with husband?
We have been married for 14 years. He works out of town a lot and I am left home to care for house and kids. I have no outside interests and am bored with the way our life is. When he is home he is either on the computer, watching tv, or sleeping. He works hard so I don't want to bug him with my problems. He doesn't seem happy either and have noticed that he is 'friending' women on FB..chatting with them. I haven't said anything about it to him, because I don't want to cause problems. I would like to take a positive approach and see if he might be interested in an open marriage, that way he might not be so grumpy and it might give me an outlet to explore other 'friendships'. We have children and I do not want to break our family up, but something is missing and I don't think my pursuing hobbies or going out with the girls is the answer. We are lacking something and maybe a little freedom in the sex area would bring the frustration level down a knotch...but I would us to be open about this...How do I approach this with him?
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I really can't put myself in your shoes but speaking as a guy, straight forwardness is a blessing. If you just bite the bullet, tell him you need to talk, sit him down and just straightfowardly tell him how you feel and what YOU want ; I think it would really help.
At my suggestion, we went out for dinner last evening. After small talk and the meal, I approached the subject of his happiness, needs, and my feelings about my responsiblility in contributing to and fullfilling of them. He said he was happy with the way things are and explained that his sometimes bad moods are due to his age and his feeling that he has worked really hard in life and doesn't feel he has received due respect and appreciation for his efforts. I told him I do appreciate all of his hard work and I really want happiness for him and for myself. I told him that I would be understanding of his pursuing what he felt might bring him more happiness in life. I didn't talk about the subject of 'open marriage', but just that I understand that I can't be everthing for him and if there was something he wanted to do, that life is short and that I support him. He was quiet and didn't ask if I am happy or anything else...we went home and I went to bed and he watched tv. I guess to be continued....
You've said that you've focused your energy on your children. That's all well and good. How much have you focused on your husband? Start with small talk, How was your day honey? kind of questions. If you are open and receptive to his responses he might talk to you more. The fact is that you have both disconnected from each other. I think that you getting a hobby so you have something you want to talk to him about, you know share with him would be a good idea as well. I really don't see an open relationship model working for you, especially if you can't talk to him about your feelings. What kind of work do you do? Is it something you can talk to him about? Something like hey honey this weird thing happened at work today, or you wouldn't believe how odd this situation was. The more you open up to your husband the more receptive he might be to opening up to you
I don't work ouside of the home. We have two teenage boys, that keep me involved in transporting them to school and school functions or friends homes, or the friends are here. During the times the kids have been gone, I have tried to have some conversation about his work, or what is going on in the world, etc. just to talk with each other. it is very short lived most of the time. He will be in this weekend from working for two weeks offshore, and I plan on scheduling a get away for he and I alone and to hopefully discuss the 'us' in this family and get his take on where we are headed. From all the advise I have received, I realize that I am letting our relationship die and not doing anything about it...and mostly because I feel like I am the one who is responsible for everything....if it doesn't work, it because I didn't do this or I didn't do that...what about what he is and isn't doing to keep this relationship alive..but of course he isn't the one asking for advise.....Thanks for all the advise, it is taken and I will put forth a little more effort in stoking the 'fire' and I will see by his reactions if it worth the effort.
I don't work ouside of the home. We have two teenage boys, that keep me involved in transporting them to school and school functions or friends homes, or the friends are here. During the times the kids have been gone, I have tried to have some conversation about his work, or what is going on in the world, etc. just to talk with each other. it is very short lived most of the time. He will be in this weekend from working for two weeks offshore, and I plan on scheduling a get away for he and I alone and to hopefully discuss the 'us' in this family and get his take on where we are headed. From all the advise I have received, I realize that I am letting our relationship die and not doing anything about it...and mostly because I feel like I am the one who is responsible for everything....if it doesn't work, it because I didn't do this or I didn't do that...what about what he is and isn't doing to keep this relationship alive..but of course he isn't the one asking for advise.....Thanks for all the advise, it is taken and I will put forth a little more effort in stoking the 'fire' and I will see by his reactions if it worth the effort.
I've been with my husband for 24 years, and I'm a Relationship Coach. I have personal and professional experience with this.
If you don't start with open, honest communication about your needs, wants and desires, then venturing into an open relationship is a recipe for disaster. You're looking for emotional as well as sexual intimacy, not sex with other people. It's a complicated question- how to approach an open marriage.
IF you have open, honest communication and you still want to explore other options, start by talking about it. What would he like, what would freak him out. Ask yourself the same. Start small, say with fantasies or visiting a swinger's club (Many have an option for couples where you can just meet people and not hook up).
Recommended reading: my blogs at www.romancerecovery.com, Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel, Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix.
We are in the same boat. Perhaps you might think about this the other way around? When your husband comes home run to greet him, get a sitter and go for dinner, spend the time and effort to rebuild that relationship and 'that spark'. Find something you can do together that you both enjoy, running, working out, biking, etc. It seems you still have a libido, so you still have some interest, but without that intimate relationship, it's a chore. Suggested reading: "his needs, her needs". You don't need a shrink or a fling, you want a loving husband. He is in there if you can spend time together.
I have tried things over the years, but they haven't had any kind of lasting effect...mainly because I am the one having to do the suggesting. I am tired of trying to light this fire. But I will try, again..by getting the book, reading it myself, but then I will put it on his table by his chair, for him to read..I'll get back with you on what happens. Thanks
I am not judging.. but I am curious as to why having sex with someone else would help your marriage?
If something is missing... I can tell you right now its COMMUNICATION. Its hard to have intimacy with anyone (hubby, friends, family) with out it.
Perhaps you should sit down and explain that you feel something is missing, maybe suggest a marriage therapist.
Understanding that you share children and dont want to break up the family... a family doesnt "work" if both Mom and Dad aren't happy. And that does affect the children, wheather you see it or not.
I know what you are saying. I have tried to talk with my husband about my awareness that he doesn't seem happy and that I am not real happy with where we are in our relationship and I was pretty much shut down. He told me he is doing all he can for our family and I need to get a hobby or go see a 'shrink'. I can't make this work by myself. We don't fight and argue, we just don't anything with each other and I don't think he wants to, anymore. We do have sex but that is what it is sex...about once a month. I thought by suggesting this 'open marriage' thing I am kind of trying to get some kind of sign of where he is with 'us'. I have been reading things on the internet that it has helped some couples...maybe those marriages were secure to begin with...I don't know? Thanks for your insights.
the only thing about that, the whole open relationship thing is.....what if he falls in love with someone else whilst he's being open. aren't you a little worried and afraid that could possibly happen? if that does happen it will break your little family up for sure.
I have thought of that...I was going to bring that up, if he is receptive to the idea. I would ask him to stay in the marriage, as I plan on doing that for the kids, until they are on their own. We are not a young couple, our kids are in their late teens. Our focus has been mostly on the kids and being there for them, but not each other. Maybe I need to focus on getting myself involved in things that I would like, although I don't know what that might be.