Asked by loloy829 on
Give Advice: He's Facebook Stalking My Friend
My boyfriend friended somebody on facebook that he saw in a picture with me. When I asked him about it, he said he just did it impulsively and it was nothing. I was actually hurt, but I acted nonchalantly about it trusting that it just what as he said, even teasing him that he must have found her attractive or interesting for him to friend her. A few days after, he started liking some of her pictures, even made a comment about one of her pictures. Now, I was alarmed. What else could he be doing online? Am I just being paranoid?
Thank you in advance for your reply.
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@irishmary24: exactly! it hurts, but i broke off with him. he's been trying to get back with me after the girl he initially friended on fb turned on him and told me about their exchanges! the nerve of both of them right? in fairness, i can't solely lay the blame on him. the girl was culpable also. he entertained his messages! it's sick! it's sordid!
I 've been reading the comments here and your replies. This guy is a jerk. When you try to talk about his faithlessness to him, he turns it on you and says You are over dramatic. There is nothing worse than a faithless ''friend'', and a scheming, unfaithful boyfriend. What else could he be doing online? Fasten your seat belt! If you stay with him, you will certainly find out!
Yes you should be alarmed... My ex boyfriend signed up for FB and befriended my ex best friend of 15 yrs before he added me... Needless to say a few months later they walked off together and now Im hate them both. So watch your back... Someone told me that a friend is often more fatal than any enemy.
Finding a good man takes a lot of effort and can be frustrating. This man is not ready to be in a healthy, mature relationship. I'm sorry you were treated like this. Move on. Grieve the relationship. I hope the next man you meet will meet all of your main needs, but if he doesn't, cut him loose and keep looking until you find a man worthy of you. After my divorce, I did online dating and had to go on dates with approximately 30 men (most didn't go past the first date) until I found the man who would become my fiance. There was a lot of frustration and disappointments during that time, but I'm glad I ddn't sette. I stuck it out until I found a man who treats me the way I should be treated. Take care.
Thank you, safire1023. It is indeed disappointing & frustrating, not to mention draining & thoroughly discouraging sometimes. Congratulations to you. I hope, in the near future, I'll find someone for me, too.
No you aren't being paranoid. Although is this a girl he's met with you before? I would also explore how much of your feelings of paranoia are actually feelings of hurt that you aren't acknowledging? When we resist something it usually persists. His action is inappropriate being that you are in an exclusive and committed relationship. Your way of being nonchalant about it is actually driving you crazy, not the action of what he did possibly because you aren't being honest with yourself.
When you start to acknowledge the feelings you are having about this, you will start to set yourself free. To him and yourself. Then there is the, "okay what do I do now with what is happening?" Are you hurt about it, then say you are hurt. Own your feelings, they are your feelings and you have every right to have them.
In regards to his response that it's impulsive, you may want to ask him what impulsed him to do that? Not in an angry way but in a curious way. When someone in a relationship takes an action like this, there is usually something underneath it. I also want to acknowledge that I don't know how old you two are or how long you have been together.
Some questions you may want to ask yourself are: what is my expectation from this relationship? What am I looking for from a partner and how does he fit what I am looking for? You can also have an open exploring conversation with him about what he is doing. You can tell him it's not about jealousy it's more about wanting to know what his intentions were with doing it. Being impulsive is a momentary thing. Going back and commenting more on her photos took some thought before taking the action.
Maybe it does mean something about your relationship or maybe it's showing you that the two of you have different ways of honoring a relationship and you're not on the same page. An important factor when deciding on long term partners.
I hope this helps. If you want to chat more about it feel free to email me at alanna@i-love-my-life.com
Thank you so much for replying. You don't know how much that alleviated what I'm feeling. You are right; being nonchalant about it didn't help. After I saw another picture of the girl that he "liked" once again, I decided I couldn't take it anymore. It's becoming disrespectful. He removed her from his friends' list, and asked me if we could talk "this" out. I told him he has really hurt me and that I'm confused as to what he wanted out of this "relationship." Short story, we agreed we will meet this Thursday. Halfway today, I was checking a notification and saw that the girl invited me to her birthday party. To say that I was surprised when I saw emblazoned on the girl's profile on the "new friends" line his picture was an understatement. I literally felt cold. It hurt like crazy. I texted him right away saying I don't want to meet up on Thursday to "talk this out" but that I'd like to get my stuff from him. I thought that even if it was the girl this time who requested to be friends with him, shouldn't he, out of respect for me, not accept the request? I just told him that, out of respect for me, he shouldn't have requested to be friends with her in the first place! And now, this one! At this point, I'm angry at myself more than him or the girl, which has a reputation for stealing boyfriends, but who I'm not sure is communicating with him without my knowledge through facebook, or worst! They could have exchanged numbers or been meeting up. I don't know. I was ready to give him the benefit of the doubt when we agreed that we'd meet up and that I was ready to give him another chance. I feel so stupid!
We started seeing each other since October. When I asked him where he spent his Christmas vacation that other one week he was free, he said that he spent it with relatives because he couldn't go to the islands since he doesn't have a girlfriend to be with him. Whoa! What am I then if not his girlfriend. Just his sex buddy? Obviously. That should have been my warning bell right? That's one of the reasons I acted nonchalantly at first. I've told him we shouldn't see each other anymore after one fight, but he wouldn't let go. He said what we have together - great sex is what he called it, is the foundation of something greater. It's unbelievable, in hindsight, how gullible, naive, and idiotic I was to let him run the course of this relationship. I hope I am wrong, although I'm feeling pretty right at present.
So what am I to do now? Please help me...again I decided I'm going to see him on Thursday to get my stuff and confront him in his face. If you will be kind enough to please reply to this? That will give me the boost I need to face him.
Thank you so much AGAIN for replying. I greatly appreciate it. I hope I'll hear from you again.
More power!
Hi there, I can totally understand your anger. I'm making a guess here but it sounds like you two are in your early to mid twenties? You see men in general develop in stages, and depends on where they are at in life and their age. I've heard older men admit that when they were younger, they found themselves primarily driven towards women mostly in a sexual way. As they get older and they have more experiences with women, and they get closer to that point where they truly want to start a family, what is important to them changes.
You also need to understand how us women become attracted to men sexually. There are lot of chemicals happening in our body that makes us want to be with a man. Once we do connect with a man physically or sexually, oxytocin gets released in our body which literally has us "bond" with him and want to pair up with him for the long term. It's very primal. Without knowing this and without taking the time to know whether or not a man will be a good partner for us, we may find ourselves in a relationship that isn't satisfying or possibly even disappointing. In other words, it's important to know what you value in the realm of relationship and what you are looking for from a long term partner.
From what you told me, you have a great sexual connection but it also sounds like that's not enough for you. You need to be honest about that with yourself and him. It's also important to tell a man what is okay or what is not okay with you so he understands how he can make you happy.
It sounds like he wants to maintain what you have but if that isn't enough for you, I have a feeling it would be freeing and empowering for you to communicate that to him and then honor yourself. If you do decide to end the relationship, t's also best then to end communication him him because that bonding chemical oxytocin will stay in your system and will keep you emotionally bonded to him even from texting.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You're not an idiot, you are learning about relationships: what you want, what works for you, and you are learning more about yourself. You're also just being a girl. We all just want to be loved and liked, and we are sexual beings just like men. Sometimes it's from the relationships where we get hurt that we learn these powerful lessons that support you in having the kind of relationship and love that you are desiring, when you are ready and the right man walks into your life.
Again I hope this helps. I'm not sure if you are currently working with a relationship coach or have thought about it, but it could be a great way to pave a path for you to being more intentional about dating and relationships. Feel free to contact me if you are interested. Many blessings.
I just might end seeing someone because of this. It's debilitating, for lack of a better word. I guess age, when you're at a loss, is immaterial:-(
Hi, Ms. Levenson,
Thanks again for replying. Believe it or not, I'm in my late 30s. Hard to believe I'm still that naive:-(.
Trust me you're not alone. I see women in their 40's and older who are still naive to dating, what is happening in our bodies, who don't understand their feelings clearly or are still growing up in ways they never imagined. I even coached a 79 year old woman, incredible woman, who was healing some old limiting beliefs she acquired from an event that happened before she was ever even born!
I too in my 30's got clarity on things that I wish I had when I was much younger. Shoulda woulda coulda. It doesn't serve us to beat ourselves up from things we wish could have been or from any regrets. I'll share with you my mantra of "everyone is on their own path, at their own pace." How does that resonate with you?
Remember life is a journey. It's not about the goal or end result, it's about the process in getting there. It's important for us to enjoy it as much as we can and of course learn along the way. Let me know if I can support you in achieving clarity about your past, experience peace in the now, and then the fun part begins in creating an exciting intentional future!
I'm feeling much better & stronger in my resolve, which I hope will be sustained. Yes, that mantra makes sense. I also believe that this, and other, learning experiences will make me wiser in dealing with things in the future. I believe I've only allowed myself to regret when I didn't heed a lesson that was to be had from an experience. I just can't shake that feeling right NOW how awful it is, and that I'm letting myself go with the flow, even when I shouldn't anymore. I feel responsible somehow, but hey! I'm thankful I posted my question here; otherwise, I'd have thought I'm being overly dramatic, which actually he has called me before once.
It will be very difficult for me indeed to go cold turkey. I will definitely try to break all the points of contact with him, including and most importantly facebook. I'd unfriend both of them actually. I think it will keep reminding me, even when I'm over it, how this has come to pass. FB emblazons news feeds from friends, so....
You should be upfront about this to him, He is being inappropriate an if he doesn't stop after you say something I would leave him.
Hi Vickstar, I was upfront about it with him. Believe me. As u can read from my previous message to Alanna, I did talk to him about it. We agreed to talk about it, but I just found out today that they're friends again. OMG! How gullible am I right?