Asked by ashly on
Woman after my husband, how can I make her stop?
My husband owns his own business. He has a girl that works for him who recently left her husband. We have been married for 22 years, have 5 wonderful children, and I think very happy. His employee began by buying him lunch all of the time because 99% of the time he is to busy to run out and grab something himself. It has escalated to her now texting him while we are on vacation together, the first time in 5 years, every evening, and now both Saturday and Sunday evenings. I stopped in his office on my way home from work one day, an account rep was there, which she was speaking to when I arrived. She used to speak to me whenever I stopped in, and this time avoided me as long as possible. She ended up coming into my husband's office, did not speak to me and continued to speak with the Acct rep, then casually said hello to me, which was my first clue that something is up with her. She proceded to thank my husband for doing something smiled all sweetly, batting her eyelashes... I first began being upset by this while we were on vacation and she continued to text him, I let him know that it bothered me. I have talked to him several times about how much it is bothering me. I have lost 15 lbs in the past 3 weeks, can't eat, can't sleep and am a nervous wreck ALL the time. He continues to tell me that I ahve nothing to worry about, and I DO trust him. I have asked him to speak with her to stop with all of the texting especially when she knows he is at home with his family, he doesn't see a need to because he works with her and all she is doing is discussing work with him. He has recently stopped responding to her texts, I guess his attempt to make her stop without having to say something to her. My question is, because seriously I can't continue to live like this, do I let her know that I know what she is doing? I know that she has no clue he tells me, as well as I see the texts because we are together, that I have a clue. I don't intend to tell her to stop, simply let her know that I know what she is doing and hope that she gets a clue and takes off. Please help!!
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Your instincts are probably right. If he owns his own business and he hired this woman, then surely he can let her go. Legally, don't know how large the business is, "just cause" could be an issue. It seems that her attitude towards you (ignoring you) is because she considers you as the one with the problem. In which case, I think your husband may have used you as an excuse ie. "my wife doesn't like you texting me on weekends, my wife doesn't like ...etc". That's what I think - perhaps it's his way of getting her to back off... It's not a good situation for you or your husband. An employee is an employee and she is going overboard and the fact that she left her husband is very concerning. I would somehow get your husband to let her go, before she gets a stronger footing in the workplace and you end up looking like the one with the problem. She sounds manipulative and disrespectful of you and flirting with your husband in front of you (batting her eyelashes?) is just plain wrong.
Thank you so much for your response! I finally made the move and talked with her. She immediately started crying, which was a little off, I figured she knew she was overstepping but had no clue that I was aware. She has since stopped all of the texting. She is in a new position, which does not require her to be in the office very often, therefore she will send an email occassionally to him asking a question regarding work. Her sending him emails or calling during work hours to ask a work related question or have a work related discussion is not a problem for me at all. I am very certain that she got the message and I have to respect the fact that she apparently listened to what I said to her. My husband recently said to me that had I asked him to terminate her employment that he would have done so that there was nothing worth risking our 24 years together. I only wish he would have said something months ago! :o) You were correct in your assumption, he was in fact telling her "my wife doesn't like, or my wife has a problem with...", which does explain her reluctance in speaking to me or being friendly. It does not, however, excuse her from her openly flirting with him in front of me and I told her exactly that.
Again, thank you, and to everyone else that offered suggestions and thoughts. It is very nice to know that there are so many people out there that do in fact truly care about others.
You sound like a fantasic woman and I hope you keep that in mind. You have been given many difference opinions, which have probably confused you further. The best one and the one where you will get the right solution for you is to go to counselling. That way you can truly discuss all your options.
Personally I say give him the benefit of the doubt. Some people are rubbish at throwing people off and he probably didn't want to offend this woman, then slowly it has got out of hand. I do agree with those that say he needs to be put your needs first going forwards. All the best.
Tell your husband he has a choice! He can end it FREELY! Or he can end it FORCEFULLY! Either way, HE WILL END IT! Then remind him of the $$$ he'll be loosing, if you gotta do it for him! The best to you, sweetheart,Nana!
shes a bold one-confront her -tell her your aware of what shes up to -and if she doesnt stop she wont have a job/if she runs to ur husband-ask him in a nice way but firm get rid of her -tell her jobs are hard to find and she can be replaced she has over stepped her bounds.and this is the frist and only warning she will get .--good luck and stick to ur guns-alex
I am so sorry :(. I cannot say for sure that your husband is physically having an affair with this Woman but there is some 'thing' between them that is inappropriate. First of all, I think that you need professional counseling and if your husband doesn't want to go with you, then you go without him. It bothers me that your husband is not considering your feelings. Apparently this 'thing' with his employee is an ego boost for him. His behavior with this female is completely inappropriate and because he is the owner of the business, he needs to get rid of her (in my opinion). You are his wife and your feelings about this situation are priority. I also don't like how this Woman feels it is okay to dismiss you or be passively rude to you. Also, ask your husband how he'd feel if the shoe were on the other foot. Would he like if some Man you work with having such relations with you in that manor? Also, I say make more time for your relationship to become intimate again. Going out together more often and spending more quality with just you and your husband. I'm not sure how old your children are but I also suggest doing things for yourself. Either it being getting a part time job, volunteering, or taking up a hobby that takes up your time but I feel that by doing things with your own time puts your mind at ease and you get to do things that make you happy. All the best to you :)
I think you should confront her. There is no telling whether she will stop but make your presence known.. both at the office and at home. At the same time, keep him in line as well. He is playing with fire but you will end up getting burned..
Show up to take him out to lunch dressed to KILL. I mean, smoking hot. You can't do anything about what she says, does, or thinks. But you sure as hell can remind that man why he married YOU. Go try on stilettos. Now. Really.
I would recommend something far more powerful: Empty out the checking and savings accounts. That will get his attention.
This has all the marks of a classic emotional affair and maybe a physical one. You need to trust your instincts.This situation is not okay and your husband is encouraging it. Don't bother talking with the woman. She's not the biggest part of the problem: your husband is.
Now you need a game plan. Get the book Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass and read it cover to cover. It addresses the myths about affairs (for example, "happy husbands don't cheat") and gives you guidance on how to bring the affair to an end and what steps come next.
I like this book because it talks about rebuilding trust in practical ways. (Not just pretending it never happened.)
Get educated and bring this affair to an end. Statistics are on your side. Rich men very rarely divorce their wives and marry their lovers.
I disagree with this post and think perhaps the poster who gave this advice is biased; not all cases are the same at all and this is no help to the opening poster at the moment.
Paranoid behaviour based on no facts is precisely the kind of behaviour that will push a man into another womans arms.
VetteG is correct. If he was not ok with the behavior; he would have put a stop to it. There is more going under the surface.
Kill her with kindness. Talk about your kids to her. Thank her for being a help to your husband. Offer some dating suggestions for her. Order lunch for your husband and have it delivered. Show up more often to go out to lunch with your husband. Borrow his phone right in front of her. Use his computer in front of her. Hold his hand on the way to the car and wave good bye to her as she leaves.
:)
I agree with Peachy. It does sound as though, you and your husband have a honest marriage. The good points is that he is being transparent and itsnt trying to hide anything. Should you approach this woman and let her know? No.. not worth the drama, not to mention how it may affect your husbands work. But, I can agree that this woman is being annoying. I would suggest really sitting down with your husband and explain that even though he has no intentions with this woman, it has now physically and psychologically affected you. Tell him that you need him to let her know that she is crossing boundries.
Sounds like a very unhappy and insecure woman who probably doesn't realize she is flirting with disaster. Realize she is a bruised individual and go from there. Your man soon stopped receiving mail from her and if you let her die down, she will.