Asked by engagednconfused on
Who pays for what??
My fiance and I just bought a house together... (the house is in my name as are all the utilities) We each put a set amount of money into a bank account every two weeks to pay the bills. I set this account up so that the only money coming in/out is for the house. This seems to be working well, however recently I've had a ton of medical expenses and my savings has pretty much vanished. I work full time (never take off) and am in the process of aquiring a part-time weekend job. We are getting married in another state and need to travel to go look at the place to make some final touches. So in getting ready for our 8 hour one way trip, I took my vehicle to get serviced. Turns out I need 4 new tires and an alignment. This is my only vehicle, it's an 05 and gets me to work everyday as well as our "weekend" vehicle. Anytime we go to the grocery store/friends house/ out of town we always take my vehicle. My fiance has two older vehicles that are less reliable. We do not take his car to the grocery store bc he has no storage (trunk is filled with a sub system) and it's a two door celica (with no ac, i might add). We don't take his truck often bc of the gas it eats up. So I'm thinking, we always take my vehicle pretty much everywhere.... is it ridiculous to ask for help with paying for the gas/ upkeep of the vehicle??? He does help me with gas when we take long trips..... but this coming up trip is 500 plus miles one way.... so what about the upkeep?? Oil changes? Tires? With miles comes higher milage, right? He has mentioned before "If we have kids or when we get married, I don't think it's fair for me to provide the insurance on them.... bc then my premiums would go up and I'd be the only one paying them." His opinion is "I pay for my vehicles and you should pay for yours." But we ALWAYS take my car. You get the jist...... what do I do? Or am I being just ridiculous? HELP.
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I think he sounds selfish. He is trying to keep all his little boy ways and toys - and remain as un-involved as possible. It was a mistake to share a household with him, but at least it has been educational.
You are hoping for 50/0 - I think you will be lucky to get that. Marriage is about taking care of each other and the family as a unit. Period. There are no real divisions and if there were - it is never 50/50. Everyone has their own strengths and give in that way. Your strength seems to be in responsibiltiy. His seems to in be avoiding it.
My husband of 30 years has always been the better provider. If we had kept things 50/50 we would have never got to live in the nice homes he has been able to provide for his family. I have made our home beautiful and gave up my career to raise our children. I am now permanetly disabled, losing health to multiple immune diseases, and I am so fortunate that I have a real MAN who takes wonderful care of me. He even insisted we move to an even nicer home where I would be more comfortable.
Your guy (I refuse to call him a man) is already worrying about having to pay for insurance for the kids 'all by himself'? And this baby thinks that 'is not fair'?
We chose insurance by whose plan was was BEST for OUR children! Your guy is already hedging on one of the most important responsibilites you two will ever share.
I wouldn't want this guy for a roommate, let alone a life mate. You will spend the majority of this doomed marriage feeling alone and like the only one who is giving.
Send this boy back to his mama and get a roommate to help with expenses.
Go to couseling for yourself to build your own self esteem. Only then will you find that man who deserves you and is willing to treat you like his queen!
I guess I was spoiled because my husband helped out where ever he could, whenever he could without me having to ask. I don't think you would be out of line to ask him to help with the upkeep of a car that you are both using.
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Before you get married, I don't think you should pay for each other's cars. If you go on a long trip together, he should pay for gas, just as any friend might. If he uses it often with you, he should fill up the tank sometimes. That's a reasonable thing to ask him to do (or suggest taking his car for shorter trips).
It would be nice if he noticed that you were having financial problems and offered to loan you money or pay for something, but I don't think you can demand it. You could always ask to borrow money, though.
One idea I like is when people are living together and splitting expenses, you can pay a percentage of the bills instead of splitting them 50-50. So the person who earns more would pay a little more for everything.
However, I also agree with the other answers - you need to talk about what is going to happen when you are married. "I don't think it would be fair to pay insurance for my very own kids" is an absurd argument and a strange thing to be worrying about.
Marriage changes things. One of the benefits and challenges of marriage is that you pool your resources. It's the perfect place for "from each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs." You can't focus too hard on being perfectly fair.
I agree with Lyz. Before you get married you need to sort out the financial situation. And marriages definitely are not always 50/50. This question actually reminds me of a scenario in the movie The Joy Luck Club. You should check it out. But anyway, this is a bigger issue than just your car. You need to discuss your finances with your fiance and figure it out now. Otherwise, you're going to run into a lot of problems later on down the road.
I am a big proponent of joining your bank accounts into one when you get married. Basically, in order for a marriage to work you have to stop fighting about mine vs. yours and make the conversation become "us" and I just don't know how that can happen with you two squabbling over every dime. In the end, in any relationship, 50/50 is just a myth. Sometimes its 100/0 other times its 20/80. You never know. But the conversation can't be "it's your turn" it has to be, "I need help here."
Tell him you need help and that you two need to stop fighting over mine vs. yours, but start helping one another out in an entirely selfless way. You sound like you are working hard to make money, is there anyway he can help you because you need it and not just because you think it's "fair"?