Asked by ConfusedLove on
Give Advice: Does Intellectual Compatibility Matter?
What began as a casual physical relationship ten months ago has turned into a committed, loving relationship of six months. My boyfriend is wonderful - gentle, caring, supportive, loves to see me happy - and the chemistry is great. My concern is that we are on two different intellectual wavelengths: I read the New York Times each day while he's on playstation; I love having long debates about politics while he doesn't know who our governor is; I have a graduate degree and he never went to college. While I love being with him and he makes me laugh, I miss the 'deeper' conversations that I've had in other relationships. Still, I appreciate him for who he is and the love we have. He's started to talk about things like moving in together and marriage, but I'm scared of taking the next step with someone I'm not intellectually compatible with. Can this relationship work?
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i think its definitely important for ppl to intellectually connect with who they re dating. dis will prevent communicational gaps n feelings of inadequacy.its not abt personal insecurities its abt dealing with an uncomfortable situation.so i dont think ur relationship has a future unless ur man goes to college n changes his orientation.
Some people happily meet their intellectual needs through their social life with full support from a loving partner. Problems arise either if a partner is insecure about time spent with other friends or if you do not have those other friends close by.
Some people need a life partner to meet all their needs, and this results in a pattern of serial monogamy as one can never be satisfied. The mental image of the ideal partner is never a match for the real life deal: a sofa that burps.
I am genuinely turned OFF sexually by women who cannot spell, women who cannot write in grammatically correct English, and women who have no interest in politics. But my last girlfriend NEVER read the newspapers, NEVER spelled anything right with more than 3 syllables, and yet talking on the phone with her was enough for us to decide to hook up as she is mentally quick witted and funny. Our reasons for breaking up had nothing to do with intellectual compatibility. Relationships require people to compliment each other, NOT mirror each other. Just so long as you have the social context of good friends male and female to hang with alongside your PHYSICAL partner.
Are you sure it's intellectual disparity and not a difference in interests? While many of us believe everyone should be involved/interested in politics, it simply isn't a passion for a lot of people until they get a little older.
All couples have differences. If you're so compatible in so many other ways, I wouldn't let the fact he chooses Assassin's Creed over NYT to be a dealbreaker.
Do your taxes together and he'll likely become more interested in who's taking so much of his money and why. ;)
Truthfully, if you have to ask this question, then it's very important to you. As time goes on, you will discover what initially attracted you to each other may fade away. If this happens, what will you have left? In many cases, couples will have a tendency to grow apart instead of together which is not good. If your partner lacks your intellectual interests chances are they also lack your social interests as well. If your partner feels somewhat uncomfortable around your friends and family who are very similar to you, intellectually and socially, you will resent having to cater to this person's insecurities. Honesty is always the best policy. If your partner really loves you, then he won't feel threatened by your need to interact with people in which you have more in common with intellectually but if this is not the case, you must discuss it with him. Trust and compromise are also very important. If you can't see eye-to-eye at this point, then your relationship may not become a long-term one.
I do know what you are going threw, and the only thing that comes to mind is this: Are you basically happy?, I think you are from what I have read, but you must ask yourself will you be satisfied with what you have in the long run? Sex is always yummy even more when it is great, but is it enough to hold your heart where it is today?, this you will have to ponder on. My partner is 74, and I am 49 and we don't have sex due to his heart condition, but while He will say we have very little in common at times, yet He adores me, and I Him, and we have been together for over twelve years. What is hard on me is He is gay, and I am bisexual, and I love to be with a Woman at times. Trust your heart it won't lie to you, none of us are perfect, and everyone has good in them. But if you really feel you need a great lover, as well as someone who you can have deep, and meaningful conversation with, and it isn't with your present Beau then move on for you won't be happy in the way you want to be until you find that kind of person! xo Danzilla.
Do you feel like he is as intelligent as you? I think that's very important for having conversations and so that one person doesn't lose all the arguments.
Do you have something other than politics or the NYT that you two like to discuss?
For me it's very important to be with someone who I like to talk to about all kinds of things. We don't know about the exact same things and our interests are a little different, but we both like having intellectual conversations about each other's areas.
Not everyone needs to go to college and there are some very smart people who don't, so that's not necessarily a dealbreaker. However, if you can't have interesting discussions with each other, that is a big issue for a long-term relationship.
I am on the opposite side of the rope with Lyz this time. This relationship doesn't seem too bad. Hey, he's "playing" right in front of her, not somewhere else. He adores her...they love eachother's bodies. I have heard before that physical intimacy the one thing that is reserved for that romantic partner, so why shouldn't it be one of the very important things you cherish. I think simply being human will become annoying to somebody, just how there is probably something strangely endearing with just about everybody, also.
Still...just make sure that difference in "thinking" doesn't get in the way of life goals and priorities...then you might not fit, afterall.
Lyz is right. The sex will fade and then what happens. However, your situation doesn't sound that bad, like there can be some give and take. Is he intellectual enough to relate to the things you are saying/feeling on a daily basis? I imagine so or you wouldn't be able to have a functional relationship. Now that you're getting serious, just ask yourself if this is someone you can imagine growing old with.
When the sex wears off and on the days when irritation overtakes those love feelings, the only thing you guys will have is your conversations and friendship. And when you don't get those from a relationship, you will start looking for them in other places.
Those same things that endear him to you know will get old and irritating and again, if you can't have that friendship then your relationship will be in trouble.
All that said, I don't think he has to be your everything. If you can have deeper conversations with girlfriends and get the intellectual stimulation you need from other places, then great. But the sex will fade (it always does), love will be replaced with annoyance (it happens, it comes in waves) and then what will you have?