Asked by princessallimom on
my guy doesnt want to get married..i think?
We practically live together, he's moving into my house soon and right now i'm staying at his. But whenever we talk about the future like him filling out the application to be my room mate or maybe getting married one day he freezes. " maybe tommorow i'll turn it in. Maybe someday we could get married if were still together." I'm 5 months pregnant with our first child together (his first ever) and I want more security than a maybe one day. what should i do?
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moot point now! he proposed a week ago today!
update on this situation...my boyfriend has gone from saying if we're still together to whenever i can pay off my credit card we'll get married. I think financial stability and graduating from college are his main concerns right now. he told me he doesnt want to be in debt when we get married and he wants the place/time/ etc for the proposal to be perfect. He is also nervous/excited about becoming a father and wants to focus on one huge life changing event at a time....which i completely understand. I don't want to get married til we are used to being parents together and living together. It helps to know he's of a like mindset...and to have that assurance that he's not trying to bail out whenever he gets overwhelmed he's just wanting things with us and the kids to be set in stone before he adds any factors like marriage.
Yay! Now i can calm down and just rejoice in the fact he's with me for the long haul.
I think adrian gave you some great advice. I too encourage you to talk to him and lay out of there. Ask him what he wants from this relationship and what plans he has. You two have a baby coming in four months. While you can take the marriage thing slow, you need to figure out what role he wants to take in this child's life and you need to tell him what role you expect him to take. Now is not the time to mince words. But I don't think the conversation should necessarily be about marriage. Ask him about his role in the child's life and then ask him what concerns he has that make him unsure about your future together. And listen to him. Don't interrupt.
Also, its okay that he is apprehensive about marriage. He is about to become a father and you two are about to move in together. Those things are huge steps on their own. Try and take this one step at a time. Once you leap through the moving in together and the birth then you can step on into the marriage question.
How long have you been dating for? Have you had a discussion with him about what marriage means to you and why you feel it's important in your relationship? I think having his child is a pretty good nudge toward marriage. There could be a number of reasons as to why he doesn't want to get married, he's not ready for the responsibility, he's worried about being financially capable of providing for his family, he's scared of commitment, he has doubts about the relationship, etc. It could be anything really. It honestly sounds like the "if we're still together" line means he has doubts about the relationship. Has he given you a solid reason about why he doesn't want to get married? Is he actually moving in with you or is he hesitant about that too? You say he's about to but freezes when it comes to filling out the application. You can't get someone to marry you if they don't want to regardless of having a child with them or not but given your situation you deserve a solid answer from him as to why he has doubts about it. If he is actually ready and willing to move in with you, that's a huge step in the right direction so maybe he just needs some time to adjust to that because even though you "practically" live together now, that's not the same thing as actually living together.
Have a talk with him about your expectations of him not only as a boyfriend but as the father of your child and as a roommate. Give him a chance to express himself to you and then just give him some time to figure out what's really important to him. No matter what, there's no such thing as security in a relationship. Even if you did get married, he might cheat on you/leave you or die unexpectedly. Just because you get married doesn't guarantee anything. If he doesn't want to get married, you'll have to eventually accept that but in the mean time I strongly urge you to look up child support laws in your state.