Asked by Brucey on
How do I know if my relationship should end?
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We started dating a few months before high school graduation, and we had to decide rather quickly if we wanted to work to stay together (I was set to go to college 6 hours away). We did decide to stay together, and in October he had enough money saved to get his own apartment near me.
I am a theatre major; this means that along with daily school classes, I regularly attended evening rehearsals sometimes until 11:30. This meant that there wasn't alot of time for me to give him. We saw each other regularly, but with no plans in his life except for me, our relationship crumbled. We broke up in February. He stayed in town for a a few months until money problems forced him to make the decision to leave and go back home to work for his uncle.
When I heard he was leaving, I met up with him to say goodbye. We felt chemistry and love between us that we had no time for when we were together and ended up having the best love-making session we'd ever experienced. He was still going to have to leave, but we decided to stay together and make our long-distance relationship work.
We saw each other often over the summer with weekend trips. In January, he again saved enough money for him to move up again; this time we moved in together, hoping it would alleviate our time issues. We have lived together now for a year and a few months and I feel like our relationship is deteriorating. He has a good job now and just got promoted, leaving hardly anytime for us to see each other. Not that his promotion started my worries about our relationship, just made things worse. With my rigorous school schedule and his work schedule, we see each other at night after I'm asleep and he comes home, and in the mornings when he's still sleeping and I get up. We rarely have sex anymore; I hardly have the desire to, because the quality of our sex has deteriorated as well. When I talk he seems to not be interested in anything I have to say. Conversation is hard sometimes. Not all the time, but often enough for it to bother me. I try to be understanding about his work's time demands, but I still think he should have the energy to try to make me happy with cuddling for a few minutes before bed instead of just going straight asleep. I try to visit him at work, just for a few minutes so we can tell each other about our days. I feel like all my efforts to increase the time we spend together, even just to stop by where we are working to say hello, are one-sided. And why do I think he finds what I say so uninteresting? He often says nothing but "huh." Or "That's cool", and it usually takes him a while to say even that.
Is the love I feel for him just because I'm scared of being lonely and we've been together for so long? Do we really still love each other or are we just roommates now? I can't even say best friends, because he so rarely is the first person I tell anything, because he's never around. I know that he isn't lying about how much he has to be at work, I've been there and seen the proof of his challanges of being in charge. However, I don't want to try so hard to make this work when I don't even know what 'this' is anymore. What do I do?
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Adrian is right. I am working full-time and in school and sometimes my relationship with my husband feels like what you are describing. But we stick with it, because I love him and I am committed to making this relationship work, through the good and the bad.
But in order for it to work, you have to work at it. Sometimes, I work late on a Thursday night so I can spend Friday night with him. I give up time out with my friends so I can spend time with him. And I have to make sure I don't procrastinate with my work, so that I can finish early and spend some time with him. It's hard work, but for me its worth it.
I think you need to decide what you want to do. Is it worth it to make it work with him? If so, are you willing to make him a priority?
Also, beware that you are not just blaming him. Sure things are worse because of his promotion, but that just means he has less time to spend on the relationship, but that doesn't make the lack of connection his fault. Don't play the blame game. No one wins that. Instead, just do your part and make him feel special. Do some special things for him. And when you do have time together make sure its not spent fighting over who does or doesn't listen. If he is being non-responsive, ask him some questions.
I've been in this situation where my ex boyfriend and I were more like roommates than lovers. The thing is that all relationships have challenges and it's up to you if you want to work through it or not. Forget about how long you've been together, being together for a long time isn't a reason to stay with someone who doesn't make you happy and neither is fear of being alone. Ask yourself if you truly love this person and want to have a future with him. Do you feel that he is as committed to the relationship as you are? Does he make you happy? Is the core of who he is as a person the man you want to be with? You already broke up once (and great break up sex is pretty normal when you're emotional, don't use that one example as the basis for how things could be). You tried moving in together to see if the relationship would work the second time around. If it's still not working out, maybe he's not the one for you. At least not at this point in your life. You're still young, you will find another man in your life if this doesn't work out. Don't be afraid of ending up alone. Instead know that it will make you stronger and give you more time to focus on school. But if you really want to give the relationship a try you have to have a discussion with your boyfriend about the problems you're having. Let him know that you are unhappy in the relationship and why and what you expect from him in order to push past the issues.