Asked by eallen on
How do I get back together with my ex?
I recently broke up with my boyfriend of four months. Although he's 26, he has never had a serious monogomous relationship before. Our relationship was very romantic and intense at the beginning and he fell hard. I, however, have had serious relationships before that ended badly and so was very vulnerable and scared of becoming involved. Therefore, I was noncommital and pushed him away at the beginning. This caused some serious miscommunications and he was definitely looking for me to be more committed. To complicate matters, we've been having a long distance relationship. At first it was only about an hour or two, but now we live five hours apart. As time went on, I began to really fall for him, esp. after spending a few weeks without seeing one another. We kept in touch over the phone and email. But just as I was becoming more and more open to a relationship with him, he became distant and doubtful. Finally, after the past month apart, with plans to visit him over vacation, I asked if he was excited to see me- was he flaking out? What was up with him. He explained that he was totally uncertain because the long distance was very hard for him and that he compared having a girlfriend to having a job. This last comment was really very upsetting to me; I asked very little from him emotionally and our conversations were friendly and not at all intense. After dating assholes in the past, I decided that I didn't want to be with someone who wasn't excited to be with me, so I broke up with him. I ended up regretting this decision and went to visit him to tell him. He refused to get back together and basically refused to have any physical contanct whatsoever. I suggested that we keep it casual; not make it monogomous--as that it was I had wanted to begin with-- but he told me we had gone through to much and he couldn't be casual with me. I'm heartbroken. I feel as though I didn't have a chance to try out the relationship with him. I want to win him over, but I don't know how to proceed. I kept things very civil and gracious when we said goodbye, and pretended to concede that breaking it off was a good idea. I don't want anything too serious, but I did want to take it slow and see where it went with this guy. Part of me feels like he clearly is a commitment-phobe. What do I do?
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You can't force someone to be in a relationship if they don't want to be, and it is clear he doesn't want to be.
Honestly there's nothing you can do at this point. You can't make someone take you back if they aren't willing to give the relationship another try. It sounds like wanting to make it casual hurt the relationship even more because he clearly doesn't want that. You actually sound like the one who is commitment-phobic. By pretending to concede with him about breaking up being a good idea you've sent him mixed messages about what you want and how you view the relationship. You could just try being completely honest with him and let him know that you feel breaking up was a mistake and that you want to give the relationship another try. But I think that if you feel that way you should want a committed relationship because clearly he isn't interested in a FWB/hooking up situation. You can commit to seeing someone exclusively and still take it slow. Just because you are only seeing one person doesn't mean you are too serious. But at this point I think it's clear he doesn't want to give the relationship another try and you seem to want different things so maybe you should just move on.