Asked by MJacobM on
How do I get my egotistical-but-loving husband to prioritize our relationship and household issues before leisure?
My husband works hard, as do I. But, he uses work as an excuse not to do simple things around the house, like fix the shredder, bath the dog, or discuss finances. I work too, but my day doesn't end when I get home. I'm on from the moment I wake until I go to bed, which is usually sometime after midnight, after the baby is fed, the dog is walked, dinner is served, the dishes are done, and I hit the gym. When he gets home he sits in front of the television from 7pm-midnight! I don't expect him to be like me, only to help me by doing his part. He is a hopeless procrastinator who only takes care of things when he feels like it, or at the last possible minute (our poor dog has not been bathed for months and I refuse to do it on principle). He comes from a family that does not communicate effectively, so he doesn't react well when I want to talk about what's going on. He always accuses me of nagging, even if I ask nicely, careful not to bruise his oh-so-delicate ego. In short, he is chaos and I am order and I feel as though I am constantly making the concessions. He doesn't accept responsibility for any of this when I address it, and says I blow things out of proportion.
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If you have talked to him and nothing has worked, it's time to pull the plug... on his uselessness. Start NOT doing everything you used to do for him. No more doing his laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. Be sure to do these things for you, the baby, and dog, but stop when it comes to him. No sex either... when he asks you why things aren't done, say "You have two hands, use them." If he gets upset, it's time to say, "Now you know how I feel... are you ready to sit down and talk about these things like an adult?"
Sit down with him and write down all the chores that you do after you get home and ask him to help you out with some and divvy up the list. It is going to take time, but the one thing you cannot do is go and do the activities for him.
Also, make sure that you make it a priority to spend some time sitting down with him yourself. Sitting in front of the TV and relaxing as a couple is just as important as getting the chores done. Let him know that you want to sit with him on the couch and that you will have more time to spend with him if he helps out.
When my husband said he'd do the laundry, he procrastinated and left me without clothes. So I did the wash, except I only washed my clothes. That sent him the message. Also, when my husband said he'd do the dished but then "forgot" I left the food out on the counter for the whole day and refused to make dinner until he cleaned it up. It was hard, letting things get to that point. But I think some guys are so used to having EVERYTHING done for them that they don't get that these things have to be done or else the house falls apart. So, sometimes you have to let the house fall apart for him to notice.
It's been a long 5 year battle. But my husband is doing the laundry and cleaning the kitchen. We are working on the weekly deep cleaning. But we are making progress. I just have to make sure I a) don't criticize the job he does and b) don't do it for him, no matter how bad it gets.
That sounds hard because you have a baby to take care of too. Can you give him more of those responsibilities? Often, men don't help out because when they do they are told they are doing a bad job (and they are) and when they do the job it is different than the way you do it, so you have to be willing to step back and give up control. When my husband started emptying the dishwasher, he reorganized the cabinets and I still have trouble finding things. But when I get a little frustrated, I remind myself that it means he did the dishes, not me.
And when he started doing the laundry he ruined a sweater of mine. But instead of freaking out, I just bought a new one. It was TOTALLY worth it to get some help with the chores.
Has it always been like this, even before you were married? If so, it's unfair to enter into a marriage expecting someone to change the way they are. That said, of course a marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership and he should be doing his part to help take care of the house/dog/baby because they are all his responsibility too. I would not buy into his excuse about poor communication among his family. He isn't a caveman. He knows that he a responsibility to his family to help out and he knows that accusing you of nagging can make you back down. I think what you really need, and I would never really recommend this except in your case, is a full blown argument. You don't need to be delicate around his ego. You don't need to tip toe around trying to coax him into doing some housework. You work a job too so you need to tell him to get off his lazy ass an wash a damn dish. Don't be afraid to show a little backbone and put your foot down. He's pretty much ignoring your pleas because he doesn't value your opinion or the work you do and a relationship where the husband takes the wife for granted is in trouble. My boyfriend always insists on helping me with all the chores around the house no matter how tired he is. I don't know how you would put up with that honestly because I wouldn't. You should go to couples counseling and work up a chores chart for your household. Divide equally the chores between you and him on different days and tell him he needs to work with you following the schedule to get all the chores done. And if he's still unwilling, you have your answer on how much he values you.