Asked by kmentiri on
Is it to late to save this relationship?
Dating for 3 years...been through 2 deaths, 2 major illnesses and loss of jobs. ... we spent some time apart then reconciled. We talked about starting fresh...but sorta jumped right back into things, which brings us to today. Although I am not 100% happy with everything, I am taking it in stride. He on the other hand is expressing he is at wits end and he cant really tell me why. He is inconsistent..one minute its that I push his buttons, then next is that we arent good together because we broke up before. silly I know. He and I seemed absolutley fine the past few months but I finally blew. He is insecure although tries to portray himself as secure...you know the kind? He lashes out of me when frustrated. I ususally walk away but recently I reacted and told him I thought he was weak.
End result is that he is shutting down. I have tried and the more I try the further he goes. He says I try and push his buttons/get under his skin...when all I am trying to do is make it better.
I love him dearly, Im confident he loves me. Im not sure we can salvage this...its so hard because 3 weeks ago, something clicked in me that said let the past go...and I was falling in love all over again.
Help me figure this out/
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Sounds like you both have been through a lot and you are tired and exhausted. My husband and I went through a period like this and when we came out of it we noticed that all we did was fight and argue. Finally, he decided we needed a vacation (but with the job loss we couldn't afford one) so, we borrowed some camping gear (and a blow up mattress) and went camping for a long weekend. All we did was hike, swim and have a good time on the blow up mattress. It didn't solve all of our problems, but it gave us a chance to relax, to just have fun without picking on each other.
In fact, we are having a time like this now. And we planned a trip for the end of April.
Really, I think you two need a chance to cool down and have fun. It sounds like you are in a cycle of worry, stress and fear (for both of you). Everything you both say and do "pushes" those buttons and its hard to move past that. Give yourselves a chance to take a break and have fun, reconnect. And for a day or a weekend try to put all that fuss out of your heads. I'm not saying the fuss is not important, but what I am saying, sometimes a break from the fuss can help give things perspective.
You need to have a talk with him to let him know that you want to put the past behind you. Approach him in the kindest and most sincere way. When you say you push his buttons, what do you mean? Most of the time when women push buttons they are trying to react to a situation that has gone wrong and are trying to correct it. In that attempt to correct the situation the words can come out wrong and make the moment worse. Is that how it goes when you push his buttons? It sounds like maybe he interprets what you say wrong and shuts down when he feels defensive. The only thing that you can do is let him know that you are committed to the relationship and want to work through the problems. If he is willing to also you can get through it. It sounds like you've already been through so much that you would be able to work through this also if you're both committed to but you just need to work on your communication skills a bit.