Asked by Cat79 on
Give Advice: He's Unemployed, Should I Leave Him?
Hi! I am having problems in my relationship. We have been dating for 3 years now and he has been unemployed for 2 of them. We have been happy, but recently I am so fed up with this unemployment saga. He is looking for work, but has been on numerous interviews (he works in the financial field) and has not gotten one single job. He is educated and has his MBA. I am getting frustrated waiting for him to get a job and move our relationship forward. I am an attorney and work hard at my job and expect him to do the same. Before I had this current job, I worked 2 jobs to make ends meet. He has only had 1 or 2 short term temp jobs in the whole 2 years. He went through his savings and now his parents are paying. Before the job situation, we were talking about marriage, but since then it has been a downslide. He says he still wants those things, but I am seeing all my friends settle down and I can't help but want it too. He is really a wonderful man, but stuck in a rut and trying to escape, but being unemployed for 2 years does not help his resume. We were so in sync before, we liked the same movies, tv, had similar goals. He always made me feel so special and loved. He gives me compliments. He has always included me in his family affairs and I really love them too. He does sweet things like showing up at my apartment just to kiss me goodnight, taking my kitten to the vet when he was sick, taking me to work when it was too cold to be outside, going home for Christmas with me, sending cute text msgs. His sweet demeanor made me fall in love with him and I am afraid that the unemployment situation has sucked that love away. He is distracted. One thing has always upset me greatly is his lateness. He is chronically late, which we have talked about and he has modified a lttle, but still not one time. There is always some excuse. I am not so unreasonable timeliness at all times, things do come up, but with him it happens so often.
I expect people to run late occasionally, but I make the effort to meet people on time and he should do the same. I can't get this through to him. Is this a sign that he doesn't respect or value my time? He says it is not, but I find this a huge flaw. Recently he has been very quiet when we talk on the phone. I live in Chicago and he lives in the 'burbs so we make it a point to chat on the phone a lot. He gets frustrated with me easily and does not find the happiness in very much these days. I feel like I have to make all the plans and he won't commit to anything saying "We'll see" or "I don't know." Also, he stays up very late and falls asleep on the couch, which hurts me since we really only get to sleep in the same bed on the weekends together. Shouldn't he want to spend that time with me and not the tv? Is this just the depression from the unemployment? I don't know what to do. I really do love him, but I don't know how much longer I can wait for him to dig himself out of this...I am terrified that this may happen again in the future. I understand the predicament that he is in, but am I suppose to just wait it out? I am not good at that...my type A personality is not patient! I seem to get frustrated with him so easily recently which make me feel awful that I am adding to his stress. I thought that this was it when I met him, it just flowed so incredibly easily. I had never had a relationship be that effortlessly easy or fun. I wanted to marry him...I am ready. I still do. I thought that was the path we were on and to have that disappear is very scary. I don't want to waste any more time on this relationship if it is not salvagable. Please help me make this situaton a little clearer. I need some guidance. My patience is absolutely worn down and I need some help! Thanks so much! --Valerie
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Cold. And a little unselfish. That's how you're coming across.
Being unemployed (and underemployed) is painful especially when you're in a relationship. It's humiliating knowing you can't pay to go out or need to accept donations from friends. It's stressful when your mind is constantly worrying about your BASIC needs (am I going to be homeless?). Then there is the fear that maybe your significant other doesn't see your value beyond a paycheck. You might get cranky or cry in semi-public places from the anxiety. Then you feel the need to constantly apologize and try to over-compensate in other ways.
But what saves the day is when the significant other says something amazing like, "It's okay, I understand. This is important and it's hard on you. You're a talented and intelligent person. The right job IS out there for you. If you need to talk, talk."
When he's down on himself, what do you say?
Typo: And not a little unselfish.
About one in 10 Americans is unemployed right now. If you love your boyfriend, you're going to ride this out with him as he applies for jobs and gets himself back on his feet. Like other people have said, there's not an expiration date on your relationship. Focus on your own love -- not what friends are doing -- and if the relationship is meant to be, it'll get there.
Hi Cat79, if you truly are in love why is your love on time limit? Please do this guy a favor and break up with him. Yeah, you do want to be married and he is (was) the man that fits the bill and the one that was going to facilitate that "event" for you... Ofcourse you are frustrated now because he is causing the delay (just like he is late on everything else). You don't love the man, you love the "wedding", and the thought of being "married". If you want to know what love means, consider looking at your guy who while being unemployed still puts aside the huge disappointment of his life to spend time with you and do you cute little things to show that he cares. Because "you" mean more to him.
You really don't love him, and definitely don't deserve him. Please break up with him.
His body clock is all over the place as he has no routine of getting up for work going to bed ect.
It sounds like he is stuck in a rut !!
I would advise he lowers his standards and tries to take any job even agency work has he thought about voluntary work to get some self esteem back till payed work comes along?
also it would look fabulous on a c.v
good luck x
I'm sorry to be a little harsh here, but it sounds like you are being too hard on him. It really is tough to find a job right now and it doesn't sound like he wants to be employed.
Perhaps the reason he hasn't been spending as much time with you is because he can tell you're disappointed. As a fellow type-A, I understand wanting to have control over situations and being easily disappointed, but I think you need to play a more supportive role if you really do love him.
It also sounds like this is the perfect opportunity for you to show displeasure with his lack of punctuality. Again, I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I felt like I was reading a schoolteacher's report for a student and not a description of a boyfriend by a girlfriend. If you do want to marry him, remember that it's through sickness and health, good times and bad. This is a bad time, and if you are hesitant to support him now, would you be able to support him if it got worse?
Sorry, typo: it doesn't sound like he wants to be unemployed.
how do i get my boyfriend to find a steady job. he would rather live on unemployment. i work 2 jobs and i would like him to think of the future. we live together in my house and hes paying $500.00 to live with me. what should i do about this problem. kathy
Hi Valerie,
Not only can I relate to your feelings almost exactly, but I am currently struggling with the same issues myself. My boyfriend is a law school graduate; unemployed for about a year now. I am employed in the education sector, and your typical type A overachiever. What intially drew me in—his kindness, easygoing attitude, and unconventional flair—have been the same qualities that are now driving me mad. He is wracked with depression, and coupled with a low motivational drive and lack of killer instinct, he spends a lot of time lolling around, paralyzed. He is in debt and resigned to borrowing money from his parents, and I...in attempts to keep things afloat and as normal as possible...am shouldering a huge amount of pressure to be the breadwinner, the supporter, and optimistic one. But recently, I've found myself on a downward slide, morale-wise. The pressure is depressing me, and my patience is wearing drastically thin. We live together, and I find myself seeking more and more time away, and divulging fewer of my feelings to him, because most of the time, I'm upset and fixated on his lack of employment. I realized (today, actually) that I can't go on acting this way if the relationship is going to be saved. I also realized that the relationship is worth saving...he's the kindest, most gentle-spirited and thoughtful person I've met, and is my perfect counterpoint. I truly love him, and can't imagine my life without him.
I think the most important thing to keep in mind here is that the economy is out of everyone's control. Things are tough out there. Fortunately, we are employed, but a record number of highly accomplished and educated people are struggling to find work. It's incredibly straining when unemployment hits close to home. But I think part of the solution is to empathize with your partner...realize the frustration he must be feeling, and try not to associate his lack of success in the job market as a lack of success in your relationship. I think loving, thoughtful men who are willing to go the extra distance to be supports for their women are rare. It's hard to get used to a shifted financial dynamic, but remember that love is rarely borne of a financial contract.
Also, I understand how hard it is to be patient, and how much you just want him to be doing *something*. But in this situation, pushing and prodding aren't what he needs. He needs to get to the point where he finds something within himself to drive him forward. Try to be helpful, but don't let yourself get overly involved in the details of getting him work. Right now is the time to strike a balance between care/concern for him, and taking care of yourself. Take time to pamper and do things just for you, whatever those things may be. I know it's the hardest thing in the world for us type As to step back and allow people we see as "needing help" struggle. But you can't force anyone into doing something they're not ready for, and to do so would only create an unhealthy dynamic in your relationship down the line.
Finally, it's hard to be at that point where everyone around you seems to be getting married and adapting to a comfortable, routine coupled lifestyle (I can especially relate to this concern as the only unmarried/non-fianced among my friends). But if the relationship is as loving as you say, marriage will come when you're both at a place you feel more secure and able to take the next step. Just because you're not married yet doesn't at all underplay the fact you are very much in love and may want to be married...just think of marriage as a mere contractual agreement.
If you truly love this person, I know you'll find the strength to make this work. And if you need someone to talk to about this, I'm happy to oblige! (And could use the mutual support myself!) :)
Hon, I hear ya loud and clear. Its the same problem I am going though. If you love him and you don't mind supporting him, then keep him, but I would say three to four years is the max. A man who can not find a job in that time is not worth it unless you intend to be the sole breadwinner and he can do the stay at home dad routine.
you have two choices, break up with him and find another marriage partner, or support him for the next several years. Just keep in mind, the longer he's unemployed, the harder it will be for him to find a job. Hey there is always a fast food joint until he finds what he wants, as well as the military for him if he's under 35.
The main thing that you need to do if you stick it out is to be supportive. Don't harp on money issues, and do not bring up his unemployment. He knows he has a job, he don't need to be told about it.
Buy a paper everyday and leave it laying around the house for him to look at the classified ads. (don't tell him you are doing this, and do not read those ads to him, that's insulting. Just leave them around for him to pick up. He should take the hint.) I HATE buying a paper for the sole purpose of looking at the ads, and then have someone ask to see it before I get the chance to, then start telling me about or reading them off to me. *HELLO! I bought the paper and I CAN read! Grrrrr (sorry, pet peeve)*.
Other then that, don't pressure him about it if you have decieded you are going to continue to support him. If you chose not to, kick him back to a friend or his family's place.
Hi Val
I dont know what to say except you are not alone. I'm an IT Manager with my MBA in my late twenties, and live with my boyfriend of two years. Hes been unemployed for most of it, but before that he worked in Finance and also had aspirations of completing his MBA. He's become depressed, and spends most nights up late on the couch playing video games, and I am wonder if he looks for work during the day because he hasn't had many interviews.
I try my best to be supportive, but I lose my patience.. I work 60 hour weeks, take care of bills, cleaning and cooking and I can barely get him to take out the trash or dog at night. I feel stretched thin, and frustrated with him. As more time goes on, I get more and more inpatient and he becomes more and more depressed and resists. We are on this constant downward spiral.
Its hard to be what a lot of the commentators seem to expect under these circumstances, and anyone who does meet that criteria of being "unselfish" I think is probably a saint! And your approach to marriage is normal. Most of my girlfriends are married and now beginning to have kids. My relationship with my parents over not being married and living with my boyfriend during his long term unemployment is strained. Society expects marriage, and as women with a ticking biological clock, why wouldn't we want it soon so we begin to have a family?
It has taken me a long time to not feel guilty about my "selfish" thoughts and feelings. I love him and want to marry him, and yes I am still with him. We arent living a happy relationship, but I havent given up on my dream that he'll get a job or become motivated and happy. We'll see what happens after a few months... but if you have any advice that helps your relationship please let me know!
good luck :)
First of all, I must say that I'm sorry, and I can clearly understand your frustration. You have made wonderful improvements to your life, and you should be proud of that. Having a partner with the same socio-economic status as yourself is extremely important in this culture, especially when your annual salary puts you in the upper middle class tax bracket!
I can clearly see that you're not only concerned with your future, but his also, that's great. The lateness factor could be a problem with his job search. If he's late for interviews, or phone call, then it's not good.
Since he does have an incredible educational background, perhaps he should look for employment opportunities in other areas, while at the same time looking where he prefers. The financial industry in our nation has been rocked with scandal, so right now it will be hard for him to find something quickly.
I agree with one other the others answers that states your partner could be depressed, and he has reason to be so. He wants to be there for you, and in addition be someone you can be proud of. Full time traditional employment in on it's way out with the dinosaurs! I don't think the American economy will ever be the same. With so many working longer, so many with higher educations, and so many others just looking for work, companies have the power to chose, applicants do not.
I won't tell you to leave him, that must be your personal choice. Try to be understanding, but 2 years is a long time. Don't let the relationships of others influence yours, do what's best for you, and you only.
I think he does sound mildly depressed. Right now it's hard to get a job, but you can encourage him to get out of the house and not watch too much TV. Exercise and massage can help with depression. Doing fun things together could help, too - although he could be embarrassed that he doesn't have money for dates and gifts. A volunteer job might get him up and moving and out of his funk. Talk to him about your concern that he may be depressed and what kind of help he needs.
From a practical point of view, it sounds like he's near the end of his rope financially. He might want to look for temp and part-time work to at least help pay his bills. Even volunteer work or something like an internship might help him get work later.
I think the lateness is a separate issue, although being depressed could make it worse. I tend to be late. It has nothing to do with how much I like or respect people, I just don't care about time. It can also be a cultural issue if he is from a culture or a family where people don't worry about being on time.
I think part of what's going on is a personality difference. It sounds like he is more laid-back. He is not as ambitious as you and doesn't care about time. Sometimes this goes with being fun, easy-going, and tolerant as well. So it probably attracts you and then irritates you at the same time.
The current economy is bad for this kind of personality difference. In a normal world, he would have a job and be doing fine, even if he wasn't as ambitious as you.
In the end, you have to decide if you can live with the personality difference. Just remember that it may have some positive aspects that attracted you, too.
Lyz is right. The economy is so bad that many people have lost their jobs and are having a really hard time finding other work. Right now he's unable to give you the life that you want, but it sounds like if he were able he would. If you were already married to him, you would have to stick with him and help him see it through no matter what. That's what a committed relationship is. If you don't feel that you're up to that and just want to bail on him when he's having a difficult time, you shouldn't be considering marriage at all. At least he's trying to find a job so he's motivated to go to interviews. Just be encouraging and supportive in helping him find a part-time job until things get better.
I feel like you are blaming him for not being able to find a job and that frustration and blame is spilling over into other areas. First, I think you need to stop playing the blame game.
There are a lot of people out there who have not been able to find a job for two years. My father, an ivy league educated attorney who wrote a book on some fancy corporate law stuff, lost his job in 2008. When the market collapsed, his whole company did and he was out of a job for two years. In that time, my mom had to go back to work, they had to sell their house and a car and live in a rental property half the size of what they used to live in. Needless to say, my did wasn't able to find a job not because he wasn't looking but because of the market and the way things are. The same with my brother (a structural engineer!). They both have found employment doing other things. My dad was freelancing (however that just led to a job) and my brother is now a PT project manager at a design firm. It's at least something.
It is hard to watch someone you love go through a tough time. And its easy to blame them for not finding a job. But if you love him and you are committed to this relationship you have to lay the blame game at the door and start supporting your guy through this.
Encourage him to find something PT outside of what he wants to do. Get him to start a blog about being unemployed in this economy and his job search. But in all that encouragement, don't blame. Remember, this isn't about you. It's about him. The more you make it about you the more you will undermine the relationship and frustrate yourself.
Now, that said, of course it is frustrating. But in the end, this is about what you are committed to. No relationship is going to be perfect. They all go through frustrations that last for months and in some cases years. Imagine how my mom felt. She married a corporate lawyer, was raising his kids and then in the middle of everything had to go back to work b/c he couldn't find a job. When my FIL died, my husband was pretty depressed for over a year. And I know my SIL has been working for two with my brother being out of a job for two years (she was overjoyed when he found something PT).
Get yourself a support group. Find some other ladies who know what you are going through. Heck, talk to his parents.
But those are all tips for sticking it through. Only you know if you want to stick it through or if you just want out.