Asked by hopeless and sad on
i married an abuser, getting a divorce why do i get anxious at the thought of being alone?
I've only been married 6 months...been with this man over 3 years...its a horrible circle dance...we break up he comes back promising to be better to go to counciling and church...we go and he doesnt practice any thing he has learned. He is a very angry person. I get so upset that he is MISTER WONDERFUL to everyone else but he is horrible to me. I get so angry that he is nice to strangers and they feel sorry for HIM>>>>>I have put 3 restraining orders on him and filed for divorce. He blames everything on me!!!!!! He lies, sneaks and is just so mean and insulting.
Why do i feel anxious at the thought of him moving out...its my want. and why do i get SOO angry at his phony act to strangers....the people in church hug him and feel soo sorry for HIM!! I want to tell them and show them pictures of the abuse....WHY?
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First of all, cut yourself some slack. It is normal to feel the way you are feeling. You've been caught up in an abusive situation for 3 years, he has programmed you to feel afraid of being alone without him, but right now your feelings aren't telling you the truth. The truth is that you will be better without him and you know that.
Also, I know what you mean about everyone feeling sorry for him. One of my family members is an abuser and sometimes I feel like the crazy one because everyone is always feeling bad for him, covering up for him, and when I say "This guy should be in jail!" they act like I am the one who is terrible. Unfortunately, this is normal.
But you are not crazy. You are right. (Repeat that to youself as much as you can.)
Abusers are master manipulators. He has just manipulated everyone else and you can't control that and you shouldn't control that. Don't let it make you think you are crazy, you aren't. You are doing the right thing.
I do want to encourage you to talk to someone if you aren't already. Just someone who can remind you that you aren't crazy and that you are doing the right thing. Most towns have women's shelters that provide free counseling. Don't go to your church leaders, as terrible as this sounds, if your ex goes to that church too your church leaders might feel conflicted and give bad counsel. This happens all the time. (I even wrote about it: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/loss-of-innocents/features/16268-lyz-lenz)
You are doing the right thing and give yourself some grace. You are going to feel a lot of conflicting emotions. Process them, just don't let them control you.
Also, find a new church.
Don't focus on what other people are thinking. Don't worry about the act that he's putting on for everyone else. You are doing the right thing by ending this abusive relationship. You are doing what you need to do to have a better life and be a better person. Just know that when you get through all of this and it's finally over and he's finally gone from your life, you'll be able to move on and he happier and healthier because of it. Try not to focus on your anger. You have to be able to let it go to move on.