Asked by Confused in Barrie on
Need a guys advice. What is he thinking?
So we dated/lived together for almost 2 yrs. Out of the blue, he left me. Three months later, we ran into each other at a bar and since then its been a solid 4 months of seeing each other every day, he sleeps at my house 4nights a week, he calls me all the pet names he used to, things are pretty much normal again. However, when I tell him I love him, he doesn't respond back. I see on his facebook and in his cell phone texts that he flirts with his exgf on the nights he's NOT sleeping at my house. I asked him if he was flirting with other people and he didn't deny it, he said so what, we aren't together anymore. What does that mean?? He's buying me Valentines day gifts, we spent christmas and new years together. We ARE in a relationship obviously, why doesn't he admit it?
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Get away from the guy. He sounds like the type that will use the "we never actually talked about it and said we were in a monogamous relationship so I'm free to do what I want."
Its pretty cheesy, but it really sounds like you both never really talked about it. On top of that, if he is flirting with other women the way he does then he isn't really too concerned about maintaining a healthy relationship with you.
Why did you let him back in after he disappeared like that on you?
If you aren't going to leave him then at least do yourself a favor. Talk with him and get a very clear idea of what he thinks is going on between you. If you still want to stay with him after that then set up some boundaries for yourself and what you want.
Honestly though, there is no reason to put up with a guy like this.
As a man, I can tell you that what he is avoiding is accountability. Period. Listen, he didn't leave you "out of the blue". It may have very well seemed that way to you, but men, despite popular belief, are extremely rational creatures. There was something, perhaps a lifestyle, another woman, an activity, a freedom, something that was available to him outside the relationship that was not available to him in the relationship. He opted for the options outside the relationship.
I don't know this man, nor do I know you, thus I would never pretend to know for certain what is happening, but I can assume two things; (1) You're enabling his behavior by sleeping with him, sharing your home with him four nights a week, spending time with him, and not respecting yourself enough to deem his lack of commitment as unacceptable. This guy left you "out of the blue" after two years of living together, and then you see him four months later and instead of standing up for yourself and questioning his atrocious behavior, you start letting him crash at your place 4 nights a week? That's an issue. (2) He wants all the benefits of a relationship without being held accountable for any of the responsibility of it. He likes staying at your place, likely enjoys the physical aspects of your relationship, and probably enjoys your company.....when it is convenient to him. Of course, he also likes feeling desired by other women, flirting with other girls, being able to say he is single, and not having to answer any questions to you with any answer other than, "it doesn't matter we're not together.
I do not say this with a lack of compassion, but this is your fault. He already showed you his true colors once, now he is out flirting with other women, calling himself single, and doing whatever he would like when you two are apart. However, simply by participating is this facade, you are enabling it, and while he is flirting on facebook, you are on here trying to figure out what he is thinking.
You want to know what he is thinking.......it's simple.....you're thinking your in a relationship, and he's thinking he's not. The gifts on Valentines Day, the Christmas and New Years are his way of saying, "Hey, you're my number one....for now....but you're not my only one". His position is clear, but what you have decide is if it works for you or not, because only one of you is in a relationship.