Asked by DateDaily.com on
Why don't guys want to discuss relationship issues?
Why don't men want to talk about problems in the relationship? Are they afraid that such a talk will lead to the end of the relationship?
Too many men steer clear of talking about problems and prefer to brush them under the rug.
Why?
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To men, in general, the biggest relationship issue is that a woman wants to discuss relationship issues. Think of it like this, if relationships were politics, men are republicans and women are democrats. Women want to talk it out, find a bipartisan solution, and create an understanding. Men want to let the issue fix themselves, impose our will if you don't agree, and silently demand that you understand and agree with us.
Growing up, I learned that honesty is the best policy. Marriage (and dating to a lesser extent) has taught me that when it comes to relationship issues, SILENCE is often the best policy considering the indignant (and often mildly violent) reactions I've gotton when only being honest, even when asked. I have to take into consideration that my children witnesses these incidents not to mention the time, energy and focus wasted that really needs to be applied to other important things like earning a living for one example. Kid's homework and school projects are another. It's difficult to do either after big blowout fights.
No longer do I attempt to discuss relationship issues with my wife of 12 years and I do my best to avoid answering when asked about our relationship issues so I won't have to lie about what I'm REALLY thinking. When my kids are older and on their own (and thus less likely to be impacted by marital meltdown) I'll feel more free to be honest and open about how I'M feeling. Currently, my feelings about anything relationship-wise, don't count for anything at all nor have they for years. Apparently, HER feelings, HER needs and HER desires are the only ones that count. Needless to say, our marriage is not what it was for that 1st blissful 7 years when I felt like my needs, feelings and desires mattered. Since I cannot discuss this with my wife, I have no choice but to try to fix it on my own. It's a very slow process to say the least (lol) and intimacy has more or less gone out the window (at least for now, but I have hope). According to her, our marital problems are all MY fault and she has no responsibility to change or fix anything.
For the record, there has never been an issue of infidlity or anything like that, in case you're wondering.
Well, that's my 2 cents. I hope it gives you at least a little bit of insight. I guess if there is anything to take away from this, I'm hoping you realize that men have feelings, needs, wants just as much as women do. Please allow your man to be honest about his feelings even if you may not necessarily like what he has to say.
Because we figure we can take care of any problems ourselves. Or we convince ourselves that there are no problems, or that any problems in the relationship can be solved by staying longer at work and being better providers. Or we believe that you are just magnifying insignificant stuff.
It's not that we are afraid of losing the relationship, it's that we don't fix problems by taking it to a committee. If we find a problem, we take action to fix it. And discussing a problem is decidedly the opposite of taking action. When we brush a "problem" under the rug, it's because we don't think it's a problem at all. Or at least, if it is a problem, then it isn't something that bothers us.
What we've got here isn't failure to communicate. It's a fundamental disconnect between what men and women consider problems and how to solve them. Women want to solve problems by talking them out. Guys believe that problems are to be solved by the careful application of high explosives.