Stupid Extra Marital affair, but really, what do I do now?
2 years ago, my current boyfriend and I started an extra marital affair. We were both married, however, my marriage was already on the outs due to other things. He however, had been married for 15 years, has 2 children, and really I think always planned on leaving, but never did. We worked together, both higher executives in our company, and we got very close as colleagues and friends. One day, he told me about the feelings he had for me, and the rest history. However, sadly that day feels like a million years ago, since we have both been through so much emotionally since then! I actually became pregnant in the first few months of us being together, and after realizing the feelings we have had for each, and knowing that it was wrong to still be with our spouses, he moved out about 4 months after our affair started, and my husband and I separated as well. At the time, neither of our spouses knew that we were together. I also ended up having an abortion, which i am not proud of.
The short (very short) version of this is simply, we have been together, and truly spend all of our time together. He basically moved in with me. however, the past 6 months have been very hard. I have caught him in lies millions of times, caught him texting other women, but nothing ever came of them, considering he is still with me, everyday. We took a break for a few days, then were fine again... and that happens quiet often recently. He says things like "I need my space", I love you, and know that i want to be with you, but this is complicated."..etc..
He has lied to his friends, because their wives have a big problem with me being around. They say that they can never accept me, even if it makes him happy. So, since they feel I am not around, they are trying to set him up on dates.. and he goes. Never calls them back after that however, but still goes to please them. And I know for a fact that he does not, because I check his phone, texts, and emails.. which is bad, but I don't trust him. love him, but since were are not "offically out in the open" i don't trust him..
She filed for divorce from him, it was final in Sept.. she still blames me, and throws that in his face all the time. My divorce will be final soon, and I am ready to move on with him. He bought his own house a few weeks ago, and his kids are there every other weekend.
I know he does love me, there is no doubt. I am not being niave or "using rose colored glasses" to spin this situation. It is what it is. But, I have finally spoken up to his friends wives, (2 of them) and they told me that this will never happen. They said, we know he loves you, but his kids, nor us, will never accept you. So why don't I move on, they say. He his stuck in the middle, and doesnt want to make anyone mad. However, I feel he should be sticking up for me, and stop the games.
My question after all this expaliation is simply, what do I do? Do I wait and put up with more, leave him space, or just move on? Can this really work with us, or has this realtionship runs it course?
Thanks for your advice!!
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sorry, move on you havne met your Mr right yet . you sound like you are solid person that just in between lifes problems . you can do girl !!!!!!!!!!!!!! good luck
Well, its an interesting fact I learned the other day that 1 in 5 long term relationships occurred when both people were already involved in other relationships. Now, I know people hate cheating, but really, it happens, and it happens all the time- and though people might really want the outcome to be bad, to fit our sense of societal justice (an eye for an eye!)- it sometimes ends merrily... Okay, that said- he's not stuck in the middle, he has already picked a side by going out on these dates, and being friends with people who cannot and will not accept you or respect you, irregardless of the fact that he was a viable part of the cheating duo. Can it work out? Um I really don't know, stranger things have happened, and my preference is for the life affirming stances one can take in life... I think people can start over and do better exactly in the moment they are in- I mean he could make a choice and try to clean up the mess he's made on both sides- by acts of will, truth and generosity- and you could do the same.-I say, be better than anyone ever expects you to be darling...
I'm still shocked to see that women believe that they can steal a man, but no others can. If a man can be stolen once, he can be stolen again. A younger version of you will come up and steal him away and the cycle continues.
Time to move on. Your marriage was in the crapper already, and you were looking for an escape, attention, trying to find the feelings and validation you needed. You weren't fair to your ex, so at least do what's right for yourself now. It shouldn't be that hand you owe yourself more. Do the right thing for yourself and any other person in your relationships in the future, and don't just settle for anything.
I am not the one to be hard on you, I am not the greatest person, but their marriage probably couldv'e been worked on if you guys didn't get involve. But now that you are together, your trust issues are valid because after 15 years of marriage he is going to want to go out and see whats out there. Its exciting at first, he probably has love for you but its not the kind of love you need to keep your relationship strong. And if you stay together expect to go through a lot of trials and tribulation because thats the results you get when cheating, if thats the way it went. This is a risky relationship, so are you ready to take the risks is the question? It has to be said if he did it to his wife, it so possible he will do it to you. If he wasnt willing to work with his wife, why would he be willing to work at it with you? Sometimes, women like to compare themselves to each other and just think that they are better, when the truth of the matter is we are all women and should appreciate each other, no ones perfect and no matter how much she may have been one way or the other while he complained, she probably had plenty of problems with him. Theres a reason he married her, he was in love for some reason, she couldn't have been that bad, but let go of the guilt because you will never be able to go into a successful relationship with that. Pray about it and let it go, thing is its hard moving out when you have moved in with someone, so whatever your decision is you are really going to have to commit to it.
Micmac26
You move on and hopefully you take some lessons with you that you grow from. Cheating on a husband or wife, no matter if your or his marriage was not going well or whatever, is what it is. You both committed adultery!! A person can try and smooth it over by saying that the marriage was bad anyway but the fact is that you both were married. The fact is that you will never feel secure with someone like him because if a person is willing to lie, cheat on another person to be with another, that is who they are. This person will not suddenly be loyal to you because you happen to be the person they cheated with. You need to realize that you both gave in to temptation and you both did what you did.
Cheating in any form only hurts people and it's never a good thing. Be assured that if you don't get your own moral values in check that one day you will be the woman on the other side of someone cheating on you.
Sorry if this all sounds harsh however you need to hear the truth and realize what you’re doing.
Hope my advice helps.
