Are you ashamed of your fat spouse?
Shame is a powerful emotion and is often underrated in our modern world. Shame can slow you down, make you turn and head the other way. Shame is not something you out grow once you leave the play ground. We like to think of our selves as individuals, enlighteneed by reason and free of prejudice, but a quick look through culutral history and anthropology will give us a much better sense of the role shame has and does play in our lives. Shame is a constant theme in literature. You can find examples in everything from Judy Blume to Arthur Miller. How do you recognize and deal with this in your marriage? Do you find yourself avoiding situation where you feel ashamed? Is it useful to discuss these feelings with your spouse. I think shame can lead to depression. The depression is situational rather than clinical, but there it is and I don't think Prozac is going to help much?
Hide responses without comments
Responses
Carly
I have to admit that I can understand where Matilda is coming from. I respect your views however I want to give another angle on the issue just for something to consider.
Yes I fully agree what what is on the inside is important. A person can be a perfect 10 but if they have a ugly personality then that can ruin a relationship too. With that said...
Everybody, no matter who they are as preferences in what they find attractive. It does not make a person wrong because they are attracted to a certain body shape or a certain height or whatever. It would be one thing if a person dated or married someone who let's say they weighed 400 pounds when they met and then all of a sudden the husband or wife say's to the heavy person, hey I don't find you attractive because your so heavy. That would be nonsense because that person was the way they are from the time they met.
What the poster is expressing I believe is that if your with someone who stays in shape for example and then one day let's themselves go and gains 100's of pounds for example, it makes sense that the intimate attraction is not going to be there. It makes sense that the person is going to feel like the person just gave up. What does that tell your loved one ? What message does that send? To me it would say that I don't mean enough to them and they just gained the weight and let themselves go. I would feel hurt. It's not like it's something that is out of the persons control. it's not a matter that they were in a accident or something.
I also would be upset if I married someone and one day they just decided they didn't care anymore and gained a ton of weight or didn't care.
Off of the weight thing, what if a person decided it was ok not to bathe daily? Would it be wrong to be upset about that, or would it still be a case that it's what on the inside that counts no matter how bad they smell ?
Not mad, I just wanted to add to this because I feel strongly about this subject.
What matters is who they are on the inside,not what they look like on the outside. I pray you will soon recognize that. Good luck to you.
Matilda
I feel that you can be honest with your spouse without being mean. I'll have to assume that this person has let themselves go and gained a lot of weight after you met?
If that is the case then here is what I would do and what I would not do.
1. DO NOT ever make fun of the other person or say hurtful comments. This will indeed produce shame and they will in turn end up resentful towards you.
2. DO NOT be overbearing or constantly nit picking what they are eating or making comments about how they dress or what they used to be. This will also cause resentment big-time.
3. What you can do is talk to them in a calm way and express that your concerned about them not eating healthy. You can make a effort to both eat better and both of you get out and begin to exercise more. Make it a team thing and not about you against them.
You have to go by what they say but a soft answer in love will always get a person to consider what your saying more then if you attack them.
How have you approached things so far with your spouse and what have they said?
