Asked by quarterz on
I hate my fiances mother.. help
Well this is a long one, but I hate his whole mother's side of the family. Hate is a strong word, yeah I get that, but if I could think of a word stronger than hate, I'd use that one instead. I had to run away from my abusive family at the age of 19 and she took me in and let me live with her and my fiance. Things were okay for the first two weeks. Then I started to notice the weird things about living in my fiances house. For instance, we had to go talk to her in her bedroom if we even talked to her at all. She never gets out of bed because she stays pilled up on drugs. I started to notice how much of a liar she was. She'd lie about anything. Then I started noticing some of my clothes were missing. She was stealing my stuff. What little I had was being stolen from me by my own fiances mother.. my future mother in law. She tried getting me to go to the doctor, to get her pills so she could "buy" them from me. She tried to put me on her food stamp card, so she could get more food stamps. She would go thru our stuff in our room when we would leave the house. She dumped our garbage out on the floor and then told her friends how nasty we were.. saying we never cleaned that room or did anything around the house. My fiances mother is a b itch. His whole side of his mothers family is JUST like her. They even look like her. I hate them all. I did finally move out from there, and I'm NEVER going back, and I will NEVER get along with that ho. My fiance still talks to her though like nothing happened. She even gave me a cussing and he still talks to her like nothing happened. I don't know what to do about it. I love him with all of my heart. She has told everyone who will listen that I'm nasty, that I'm stuck up.. etc. Imagine your future mother in law telling lies about you to the rest of the family and all of her little buddies.. I've talked to him about it and all he has to say is "Don't worry about her. Just be yourself and ignore it." And if I ever dare say anything bad about his mother he flies off on me. He still expects me to go with him to visit her. I refuse to even speak to her. What should I do?
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Well, you should not say anything about her since you are away from their now. Focus on you two and when he brings her up, jus say one word comments after awhile he will talk to you about her frustrations but thats his mom, dont make hime choose even if she is the worse and I believe you but do not do talk about her, even if its true the way she lies about you. Eventually the people who cares and don't want to just gossip will know the real you. You just make sure you know the real you. Know that you are brilliant by just being patient and taking that mess, I would not go to see her, but don't stop him and if he say he's going don't argue like he's choosing her over you. He's not choosing sides, she cannot have possibly taught him how to man up if she's the way she is. Just make sure you relax and give him a break since he already got someone on his nerves, he'll tell you how he really feels later. After he see that you on his side. And make sure to reassure him that you are on his team, his teammate.
While I think that you and your fiancee need to agree on some healthy boundaries with his mother. I do think that you need to recognize that if you don't get to a place of peace about your MIL your marriage is not going to work.
First off, you can't change her, stop trying.
Second, stop worrying about what she says and does. She is a grown woman and responsible for her own actions. You are right to move out and right to put restrictions on your visiting with her, but you can't waste your time worrying and fighting the things she says or doesn't say behind your back.
Third, no matter what else, she is your husbands mother and while she has problems he loves her and he will always love her and you need to respect that. My family has caused a lot of problems for my husband and consequently he too draws boundaries on when he sees them and how he relates to them. This makes me sad, but I love him and respect him and know that they have caused him and me serious hurt. But my husband also knows that no matter what, I love them and support him and he does his best to not insult them or point out their flaws to me. Conversely, I have a BIL who has often gone out of his way to bad mouth me or make my life miserable. I do my best not to engage this BIL and I don't see him without someone else present and when he gets to be too much, I walk away. Sometimes, I literally have to leave the house, but that's okay. My husband knows this and respects this. I don't bad mouth my BIL back. I have some close friends who I vent to when necessary and when I talk to my husband about it I try to be respectful saying, "I think I need less brother time." Or "I would rather not do XYZ with your brother today as I don't know if I can handle it, maybe you should go on your own."
All of that said, my husband and I both trust that we advocate for one another. If my family ever dared to say something negative about my husband in front of me they know they would get an earful not from my husband but from me and vice versa. My husband has never witnessed those events, but he knows and trusts that I am on his team and he is on mine.
Families are always tricky and messy bonds. You cannot dictate how your fiancee feels about his mother, nor tell them how to relate. You also need to remember that whatever else she is, she is his mother and needs to be treated with some respect, whether she deserves it or not. But, you and your fiancee need to come to a place of understanding about boundaries and how you relate and trust one another. If you don't work this out, it is going to wreak havoc on your marriage.