Asked by numbedout on
i found a video of my husband having sex with someone else
i found a video of my husband having sex with someone else. we were together for 20 years. we are married for 3 years. he has been seeing this person for 9 years and says he will stop and his very sorry he messed up. he is going for therapy. should i forgive him -- or how can i forget what i saw.
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So...I've heard all of this before. I can promise you he isn't sorry, he is only sorry he got caught. Since we all no people don't change, the question becomes do YOU want to live with the doubt and paranoia. I realize you have time invested in this relationship, so you have to decide if you are willing to live with things as they are.
If it helps any, I've had plenty of people tell me that "he loved you enough to marry you". I expect that ought to count for something. Maybe you could ask him about that instead of about her?
thats the problem i have ryt now..dunno if he is for real this tym. we were high school sweetheart broke up then i married someone else and have 1 daughter but he was abusive then i looked for him and he was still single then we got back and got married stayed together wit my child and its been 14 yrs of our marriage we hav 2 daughter so 3 altogether. i kinda give this a thought becoz i did something myself too when i found out that he did that with his x before i went ahead and got with someone else to take revenge but that was it..and he found that also..but this video thing if i havent found this cheating thing that he did recently he was going continue on what his been treating me since he got back. ever since before i always thought his so distant not helping and i think he only thinks for himself. dont get me wrong he is a good provider but not as a husband. this last fight we had we talk bout to start over yah i ask him if he still love me he said he wouldnt be here if he doesnt want and love his family. i can see that he is doing good so far the sweetness is there and caring, im chatting with this girl that he was with and found out lots of things, i pretended to be him so thats why i know that he not comunicating with her anymore. now my hubby gave me all his passwrd on all his accnt so i can access it all..but i still hav this thought that maybe he made a new one that i dunno bout..
i can see he is moving on is just me everytime i think of them being together for a week in his hotel when he was away and that video in my mind it drives me crazy and keep asking him and he gets mad then we fight...
thats the problem i have ryt now..dunno if he is for real this tym. we were high school sweetheart broke up then i married someone else and have 1 daughter but he was abusive then i looked for him and he was still single then we got back and got married stayed together wit my child and its been 14 yrs of our marriage we hav 2 daughter so 3 altogether. i kinda give this a thought becoz i did something myself too when i found out that he did that with his x before i went ahead and got with someone else to take revenge but that was it..and he found that also..but this video thing if i havent found this cheating thing that he did recently he was going continue on what his been treating me since he got back. ever since before i always thought his so distant not helping and i think he only thinks for himself. dont get me wrong he is a good provider but not as a husband. this last fight we had we talk bout to start over yah i ask him if he still love me he said he wouldnt be here if he doesnt want and love his family. i can see that he is doing good so far the sweetness is there and caring, im chatting with this girl that he was with and found out lots of things, i pretended to be him so thats why i know that he not comunicating with her anymore. now my hubby gave me all his passwrd on all his accnt so i can access it all..but i still hav this thought that maybe he made a new one that i dunno bout..
i can see he is moving on is just me everytime i think of them being together for a week in his hotel when he was away and that video in my mind it drives me crazy and keep asking him and he gets mad then we fight...
know - not - no
Where did you find the video?
in his memory card from his camera that he thought he deleted it. also record on his email he forgot to sign out his email and i found emails from another woman saying that she cant sleep and prapably she still missing him and that he was so good in bed. the thing is this woman has a family with 2 kids and her hubby is working in diferent country. my hubby now is not communicating with her anymore so he says coz he also found out that she went out with one of his co worker first bfor him. i dunno we are in process of wrking it out right now its just that i always bring it up and it always end up of him not talking to me or he just walk away. then im the one who will end up saying sorry everytime..this is not the first when we went back home for vacation 2 yrs ago he got together with some old classmates til they have too much too drink and when they left they wanted him to go too which he did so by the time to take him back home one of the woman which i came to find out was his x when they wre in high school who was driving and only two of them left coz shes driving him back home but b4 that shey pulled over to the side and something happen. so when he came back he just stayed downstairs and slept there he didnt even bother to come up and b with me. so the next day he said he didnt remember anything coz he was drunk..my concern is now if we are trying to work this marriage how would i know if he is for good and that he wont do this again>
i am too seen video of my husbnd..his in military was deploy to diffrent plce. he hacked my email and found some emails from someone that was sent to me(courting me) saying i love you and stuff.. but there was no reply..i only egnored all those.. so anywat he was having affair with someone and made videos too. now i confronted him he said he only did all those bcoz he thought that we were going to break up when he comes back. now we are in process of working it out but i am the one that always bring it up and he gets upset..pls help!!
dump him, then forgive him. Probably easier said than done but forgiving someone is the best way to move on but certainly don't forget. Forgive don't forget.
9 years? Tell him to go f*ck himself. I would also punch him.
The truth of the matter is that forgiveness is about YOU! Weather or not you forgive him or not has nothing to do with taking him back. As long as you don't forgive him you allow those feelings to rule you. Forgiveness is about taking the power back. Once you forgive you release all those negative feelings and are able to start moving past this instead of having to feel that pain and anger over and over again. Why be held hostage emotionally? As to taking him back or not, that's another choice you'll have to make. If he is getting help and you actually do see change, you could give it a try. If you just can't get past what he did, move on. You have to do what's best for you.
Truth is, you can't forget it. You can choose to move past this, you can choose to let him work towards earning your forgiveness, but its not an easy rode. You have 20 years together, and, aside from the infidelity, you don't mention any other problems, not that I'm saying cheating on you for 9 years is no small thing. Its pretty huge.
Your best bet, if you can't figure out if you want to give him a chance or not on your own, is to go see a counselor or therapist yourself and work with them. Thats actually a really good idea either way. Still you need to decide ultimately for yourself if you want to give your marriage a second chance or not. His putting himself in thereapy is a good sign.
I absolutely would not forgive him. How can you trust him again? In my opinion, there's no going back after you cheat, and wow.. for 9 years?! Are you kidding me? Don't even consider taking him back. You can find someone better, especially if you're so forgiving that you would consider staying with him.
Good luck!
-M.E.