Asked by klm on
What do ya,do when All Is Perfect--but you want the next step(the ring,the proposal,the wedding/etc)Without sending him running
All is great&content-you're living together! He and you say and feel the love. All know you're a couple--but what's next? What do ya do-when you are ready for the step--but you are waiting! For him to "pop" the question&ring--etc. You aren't materialistic-but you would like closure! So do ya just wait? Or..
Sincerely,
Happily Content
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The timing of this question couldn't be more appropriate for me to comment on. I recently went through this exact situation with my boyfriend of 2 years. We had talked off/on about gettting married, always with the plan that it WOULD happen eventually. Then one day, my man announced he would NEVER get married! I was thrown into a spin! We had been making plans for myself and kids from my first marriage to move 100 miles away from my home town to be with him. Before I agreed to that MAJOR step, I wanted at least the engagement ring.
So, I did exactly what everyone advised against ... I gave him "The Ultimatum". And he gave me walking papers.I was glad to get the pressure off myself, and proud for making a stand ... but miserable for losing the man I loved with all my heart. After a few weeks, we talked. Turns out, he HAD been planning to propose, but my ultimatum made him think the "ring" was more important to me tahn just being with him. And I had time to realize the whole thing was really about my own insecurity ... I can live without the "paper" and the "wedding", but I already had the man of my dreams, and it just wasn't possible for me to be happy without HIM.
So, I am packing up to move with him. I have no ring, but I have his heart and his unconditional love - that's worth more than any diamond in the world. We have agreed to re-visit the issue in a few months and decide where to go from there.
My point is this ......... I was lucky things worked out for us. If I had it to do all over again though, I never would have given him an ultimatum!
My now ex-wife thought I would propose before I did . In hindsight, I never should have, as I'm now divorced, but I digress. For me, it was simply about saving the money for a nice, classy ring. I knew within a couple months of dating her that I wanted to marry her. She never pressured me and I did.
But it sounds like taking it slow is a good thing. You have kids already, so unless you want more with him, why the rush? Take your time.
Thanks again-for the info/advice Benbree. I am not a materialistic money person,but you are right in the past I have met-really rich shallow men that want this and that and treated me not so kind--so I did end it.I do wish at times I just had some extra $ just to spend and spoil on the ones I love! Since I don't--I always have to use my imagination&artistic side to figure a idea. After reading the advice my guy came home,and he is trying,so am I. I do feel much better hearing from you and all.
Thank You& God Bless! Much Love to All!
Kim,
What do you want? This guy seems to want you and seems to want to make it work. You seem to want money and security and feel that without it, this relationship fails. Why is that? I suggest share your concern about finances with your partner and develop a plan that comforts you enough to let the relationship grow. Finances are important and you are right to worry but do not worry alone and do not let the finances stop you. Even those who have more money than they can spend often have difficulty finding happiness. It seems you have the happiness and this guy seems willing to work with you on the finances.
Good luck!
Thank you-benbree& Symian for the input! We did have a talk before he went(visitation) I did say what I want& well he didn't object,he agreed.But is going slow,he said. I posted the new problem-( on line) but in our talking,I was so embarressed (excuse the punctuality!)in our discussion.
I am the only girl in the family.Never been married,have children from past broken relationships,which I did try mending a few-but it just didn't work out .In the past I did ask,my dad for arrangements for my wedding--which he told me,"Sorry honey,we just don't have the money to help nor do"-
With that said to me,being a single parent,I feel so ashamed when we talked I told him,I couldn't afford a wedding.He told me he had alot of friends&contacts-so it will be big. I even suggested if we do-maybe holding it on his parent's backyard(there's 3-4acres).He just said he never given that a thought.I do feel so ashamed/poor! Even if I saved I could never be able to do it. He made a comment that he wanted the church thing,and a big reception. I jokingly said Lets elope,(but I did mean it) --when he just looked at me surprized.
I went to bed, silently crying to myself,when I woke up- he said to me," We're going on a trip-in Dec.so get a passport!"I thought it was a joke! So I just said,"yeah right,we going somewhere pretty& warm?"(laughing) He replied,"yup!so be good& get that p.p.!"
I don't know what to think! I am happy we are going away in the next month/two but am having thoughts of what I can't give/bring,and my lack of finances! If I could cash in my looks-I be rich!But reality--It sucks!
In my own relationships I had gotten into the habit of sitting down every so often and discussing our feelings about the relationship. This not only helps clear up any small problems before they escalate, it allows for both people to express what they are looking to as far as the future. I think one of these kinds of converstions might help in your situation because it llows for both people to state where they wnt the relationship to go and at what pace.
If getting married is important to you then it's a very bad idea to wait for him to ask because he might be content and never ask, then you'll get resentful after a while. Remember, this is a conversation, not a debate and there should be no negative things said, this isn't the conversation for that.This is simply to see where you are both at in terms of what you want from the future.
You tell him what you want and deal with the consequences. As adults, we know what we want and sometimes we have to give up something to get what we want. For you, you can continue to get less than what you want or you can ask for what you want. I suggest you ask for what you want.