Asked by DarthDefault on
My wife thinks she can solve all her problems herself, by thinking...
I've been trying to talk to her, find out what is bothering her. Offering counseling, couples and separate. She says she doesn't need it, she can figure it all out herself.
But she spends almost her entire day sitting on the bed either watching tv, or staring out the window.
I recently learned she is pregnant, and is/was worried about losing the baby, either from health complications or someone coming and physically taking it. I was told that several years ago, she had a daughter, but her family forced her into adopting her to a family on the other side of the state. I am glad to know she does have limited contact, mainly on birthdays, and some holidays.
I learned from one of her friends, she was constantly worrying that I would become like her ex, verbally abusive, and a constant drunk and mean to our son. Her friend told me because she didn't think I ever could do that, and that my wife never discusses these things with me.
She also told me she asked my wife if I was doing anything to make her think this way, and my wife replied no, then she asked her if she was doing anything to help make sure I don't, mainly to just encourage me to stay a good husband and father, and again, she replied no. She doesn't know why she can't support me as I have her, or why she can't talk to me about what bothers her.
My wife also had her friend tell me that she no longer had an urge for sex, she just forgot to tell me, and thought her friend should do it, so we didn't argue...
Her friends have tried to get her out of the house, just for something different. Going for a drive, or walk, maybe shopping. But she doesn't want to very much anymore.
She did ask me why I stopped being so cheerful when our son wasn't around. I told her I didn't want him to see how things were getting between us.
"Well that's kinda silly. The only thing wrong is you don't pay attention to me anymore, and you don't listen either."
I was shocked by this, and asked her what things she has tried to talk to me about that I either ignored or dismissed.
She had no reply, she just sat there for a minute before finally saying, "Oh, nevermind. I guess I really didn't talk to you, I just thought about it. I keep forgetting that we don't have these conversations, I just imagine them."
And she promptly rolled over and went to sleep, and hasn't talked to me in almost three days.
Is this what married life is supposed to be like?
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I've been going to every doctors appointment with her, this will be our second child together. We had a son nine years ago, separated for several years, and she had a daughter with another man, and that was the one she was forced to adopt. She has just been becoming less and less like the person I knew, either when we were first together, or when we got back together.
She constantly worries about things that used to come easy for her, to the point of where I seriously wonder how she managed to survive this long on her own, with a child to raise. I can't believe how hard it is to get her to just pick up the garbage or dishes around her, that she uses. Doing more than one load of laundry or dishes is too much for her, she says. She can't remember to eat, I ask her a lot, every day, and I always get told, "I'll eat in a while, when I get hungry." I remind her she has a growing baby inside her that *needs* to be taken care of, and she closes right up on me, refusing to talk anymore.
She used to be a strong, independent, willfully outspoken woman, but now she just seems like a frightened child. Her friends have almost given up on her, and have been recommending that I take our son to my family and either seek help for her, or have her admitted.
Now, even our son is getting worried about her. He has been more grown up than her for a while now. He tells me he is upset a lot because she won't cook for either of them, she leaves the dishes for him or I, she complains about having no clean clothes, snaps at him when he reminds her to shower more than once a week...
I've been trying to rearrange my work schedule so I can be at home more for her, but whenever I do, she just sits around, doing nothing. I spent four days cleaning our apartment, and when I went back to work for two days, no one could even tell I cleaned.
I thought about asking her family once, in desperation, but they just said I should drop her and our son off and go about my life, so they can make sure they're cared for. Her grandparents are prejudiced against me, and somewhat our son, as I am non-white, and have told me her life would be so much better if she never met 'one of my kind'. So that is not an option.
She has lost seven pounds since she learned she is pregnant, and the doctors are very concerned for her, and our baby, but she just won't change. I asked about help for her, and she refused, even to the doctor.
The doctor told her, if she doesn't improve, they might have to admit her, and keep her just to make sure she and the baby are safe. She ran out, crying, and I had to follow her home in our friends car, since she wouldn't get in.
I have no idea what I should do, or what I forgot. I have no idea what caused the change. She was the woman of my dreams, the one I was going to spend my life with. A woman I was in love with, I practically worshiped her, then one day, she just decided not to be that person anymore, and she won't tell anyone why.
wow ,the first two are realy good answers the only thing i wonder is how deeply giving away her first child will effect her (especialy if she keeps having kids ) just to say some holes may be to deep to fill and that the worse abuse is that wich we inflict on our selves. good luck
Oh marriage is like anything. It is always what its not supposed to be and sometimes its better. The truth is, it sounds like your wife is depressed and needs some professional help and can't reach out. Sounds like you are doing your best seeking answers, but I almost wonder if this is a little beyond your can. Do your best to try and not take her actions personally and then enlist her friend in a concerted effort to get this woman to talk to her doctor and get some professional help.
Often, when people are depressed they are speaking from their depression, hurt and anger, not from the truth. It's hard, but do your best to be as caring as you have been and forgive those things.
I went through a rough time awhile back and said some things to my husband and blamed him for stuff that was clearly not his deal. When I got help and came out of it I realized how forgiving he had been and I thanked him so much. Not long after that, he went through his own dark time. Marriage isn't always 50/50, sometimes its 100% to 0%, sometimes you are the 100% sometmes you are the 0%. You are doing a great job. Now focus your efforts on getting your wife some professional help and advice.
You are right she needs professional help, and so do you if you are planning to go the long haul with her.
Are you attending her maternity appointments with her, if you aren't you should and you should speak up to her doctor about your concerns for her mental well being, as she seems to be depressed. Don't be surprised if she feels ambushed, and she may be mad. Just make sure she understands that you love her, you want to help her but have no idea where to begin. You are doing this because you love her and want what is best for her and your baby. And that you want to be supportive of her no matter what. (Warning-It's possible she may not appreciate this, she may pull away from the supportive-ness because she is afraid of being hurt. She still needs to hear you say it anyways)
And whoever has hurt her has done A LOT of damage from the sounds of it. Abuse is difficult thing to overcome, but keep in mind a couple of things.
Only an abuse victim can decide when they don't want to be a victim anymore. I am not sure, but right now it sounds as though she lives in the mindset of a victim of abuse. Until she is ready to stop feeling like a victim, she will probably continue to be a victim regardless of the fact she is no longer being abused.
You can't make her be ready for counseling, but if she won't go, you should go without her. If for no other reason than to have someone to talk to, and to have someone who can also explain the effects of abuse, and direct you as to how best to help and understand her.
It takes a lot of time to heal from abuse, but it is possible. Just be forewarned that sometimes just when you think you are past it, it will come back to bite you on the butt. Best of Luck to you!!