Asked by simplelight on
Shoud I even try to date ?
Divorced single parent w/special needs teens. They will be able to have some independence as adults but it will take longer than most (Aspberger Syndrome and my youngest is bipolar) I don't want to be selfish - but I miss men! Their wellbeing and stability in the home is vital to me. Knowing a woman has kids seems to be a bad thing for some men. Telling someone about my two girls might be a dealbreaker. When do I reveal information like this and should I even bother dating now?
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sorry i didnt answer your whole question, so you should tell them after a few weeks. let them get to know you, tell them you have children. but get into the details after they see how great you are. dont wait more than a month, they shouldnt know too soon because it will care them but keeping it from them too long isnt fair. make sure they are worth your time, if they are scared away they arent worthy! there might be a dating site for moms like you, there are men out there who are ok with it and strong enough to deal with it.
your not selfish if you want to do something for yourself. i used to take care of my grandmother and i felt selfish if i wanted to go out, i was 16 when i started taking care of her and going to school, working, playing sports and dating along with taking care of my gram was overwhelming. i went to counseling and my doc said that if i am going to take care of someone else, i need to take care of myself first. if i was happy then i would be able to take care of others and make them happy. so if dating makes you happy then you should. you deserve to have some alone time, you can get a baby sitter so you can get out and stay sane and happy.
I think you should focus on yourself here first, honestly, health is what matters first and foremost. if you aren't already keeping active, gym, hiking etc.. things to make sure your body and mind are fit! then start!(it's never to late!)
you will notice(if you aren't already active in those ways) that you will meet new people(guys) and generally these guys that are active as well, you will find some of them are really good down to earth honest men, sure there's still going to be some douche-bags in the patch, but they don't call it dating for no reason!
work on yourself if you aren't already, love your children, don't hide anything, you are not ashamed of them so why should you hide them?
be honest but don't go into details, example when the guy asks you if you have kids, say you have kids and how many you have, say what they have but be brief, don't make it sound like a downer, talk casual like as if it's no big deal to you, for it isn't, you love your kids, and you shouldn't have a downer tone in your voice when talking about them! if you act like it's no big deal, you've lived on your own as a single parent and you're doing just fine by yourself with it, so talking like it's not a huge deal will show the guys that it's not something that they need to worry about consuming their life! so once you just say what disabilities your children have, move onto something else like "yeah I've got 2 kids, one has bi-polar (insert age here) but is a really sweet kid, and my other one has Aspberger Syndrome(insert age here), they're really sweet and they're what keep me smiling every day :), do you have any kids?"
as you can see, I've turned your worrying into something positive, sure you're coming out telling the guy you've got kids right off the bat, but he's going to find out eventually and if it's a problem for him then best you know from the start. if a good guy that you want for dating material, wont accept you having kids then he isn't the one for you!
hope this helped, Ry.
Guve her some Rose and take her out eat and show her arond town
You are obviously a devoted mother. You deserve happiness and any man should want to be with someone so loving and devoted. I would say give it a try. You may get a few jerks and it may take a bit of time but there is always going to be SOMEONE out there meant for you.
This is a hard one, but you can still date. Even though you want a serious relationship make sure you have fun first. Theres no need to mention right away of these disablities unless it comes up. If he ask do you have kids and asking questions like how old they are, it may be good to mention it then, but I don't think this should be bought up unless it came up. There are some people in the world that are not superficial. Let him see your personality first because if you told him about the children first, he may run not knowing the extent and never get to know you. If you are thinking about your children, you will not even be able to show him who "you" are. Many mothers get so caught in their children life they forget who they really are. My middle child have autistic characteristics that he displays and I have 3 children, my man took them right in and shows so much love to them and even knows how to deal with it. And its amazing how many men I dated could care less that I had 3 small children and one of them has a disablity. One guy told me, I was one of kind and he really wanted to pursue a serious relationship, I was astounded. I was able to pick my man, just show your confidence and relax, go have fun!
I agree you need to start dating.
Simplelight, I think the fact that you're asking this question with all of the honesty that you're presenting shows that you're capable and mature enough to find a good man who can treat you and your family well. Sometimes when people start looking for a man they're looking for a savior or for someone to take part of the burden (and kids at any age do bring an additional stress element to a new relationship-- issues or not). But it doesn't sound like that's what you're doing.
I think if you approach dating with the same integrity you're posting here that you'll find a good man to date. How that happens and to what extent he's capable and willing to accept your kids does depend on the individual man. I think Rings of Saturn is right, it all depends on who you find.
Because you have two little people who need you, your job has to be screening the people you date to make sure they're healthy and good for your kids as well as for you. I have no doubt that you'll do a good job at that after reading your post. Keep posting and best of luck finding a mate.
I believe with all my heart that there is someone out there just for you who will accept you and your girls regardless of their disabilities. Just as I believe there is someone out there who will accept mine. Don't EVER give up! Keep your faith and hang in there. God Bless You.
I understand I am a single mom with two boys(one is ADD w/ oppositional defiance, the other is ADHD w/ broad spectrum autism) and they can make it very hard to meet someone. In addition to worrying about the usual dating as a single parent stuff, you have to worry about your children's individual needs too, and how a guy will react to them. It just makes everything more difficult and I will be the first to admit there are times when it really sucks(from a dating perspective).
But my advice (aside from support groups), if you have the means to date, go for it. Just be up front and lay it on the line with the guys-this is how my life is, I am not looking for a casual relationship and I just want you to know where I stand before we start dating. This way it gives him the opportunity to say up front I can't handle this or I've never dealt with anything like that before lets just see what happens, or he maybe like RingsofSaturn and be completely cool with it. I would think that most would appreciate the honesty. But be forewarned that it, like many other things in our lives, may take longer to find a decent guy who can handle your situation.
You should never feel guilty about giving yourself a shot at love. If you dated someone and told him about your children and thinks it's a deal breaker then he is not worth it. The suggestion of tbone is really something to consider. Join a community or a support group where you can relate and feel comfortable. Start from there, build a network and develop friendship. Relax, be yourself and you will find the right person for you.
You know... it all depends. Yes. The cards are stacked against you in the dating scene, but it all depends on who you find!
If you were out there in my area, and you posted an ad to date me, and if I knew ahead of time that you had children (Bipolar and Aspberger Syndrome), it would not bother me at all! I would date you and I would marry you, too, if we managed a mutual "in-love" connection.
You see, although I am "ok"... I come from a family of blind siblings. My mother was blind, my father was sighted. I am only the third of 7 siblings sighted. 4 others are like my mother who are blind. Therefore, I have been around other types of disabilities and I am not bothered by them in the least! In fact, I am comfortable around them and I am understanding and compassionate of them!
I wish you could move to Grand Haven, MI where i live and I would help you! I would date you in a second!
It would be my guess that you are One very compassionate woman who is humbled by your Life's experiences! ...just as I am.
So, you see. It all depends on who it is that sees your ad or who knows you. If it is a man who is not familiar with disabilities, then they just aren't going to "get it." You will have nothing in common with them and it will likely become a battle... meaning, that as normal as the man might be, the difficulty you will experience with his not-understanding will be equal to HIM having a disability, too! He will be ignorant, which will lead to just another unfortunate struggle.
So... should you date?
Yes! You should! But, make sure the man you seek knows about what is facing him so you find someone like me, for example, who can ABSOLUTELY handle it... and is, in fact, enthusiastic about it! ..I am not a man who is afraid of it or turned off by those disabilities. I can actually see how it would bring someone like you and I even closer together... by sharing something familiar and in common.
I'd be willing to bet that you do not live anywhere near me. I regret that. I'm sorry! I wish we did.
Please do not fear. Please date. Just be honest up front, and try to be patient. It is going to take time.
I agree with tbone, join a support group with other parents, or start one with parents of other special needs kids at your daughter's school. Start back in by building some friendships and then maybe ask a few people to set you up on dates. The right person won't be put off by your daughters' unique needs.
If there are any support groups for parents with special needs children, you should join them (if you haven't already). You can meet people who already have a common interest as you, and will be understanding to your situation. As far as dating, I would say that you should try to forge friendships first. That way, there is less pressure on the parties involved, and you can learn more about people in their natural state. They are more relaxed, and their true feelings and intentions are somewhat easier to see.