Asked by HURT on
Why so i still love a man that beats me...
I have been with my boyfriend for 5years and in that time he has cheated on me several times, beat me up to the point i have had to go to the hospital, he said it was all my fault because i knew he was stressed out and i deserved it.. not to long ago he shot me while he was on drugs, i catch him in lies all the time, i wake up in the middle of the night only to find him gone.. we have a newborn child togethor i want to leave him but my feet just cant seem to move.im not happy but i love him. He didnt use to be this way he was the sweetest man id ever met he was my bestfriend..... i just cant seem to make him happy no matter how hard i try im just not good enough, im the only one who works and have been the only one for years now.. I feel so lost at times without him. and when we did break up and i tryed to move on with someone else but he nearly killed the new guy i was dateing when he seen me with him months later { at that time my ex-boyfriend told me that he better not ever see me with another man or they will all end up going to the hospital like my new friend had too} but whats so crazy is my ex-boyfriend had a new girlfriend at the time.......it made me feel loved so i got bac with him...but now i just dont know how to feel anymore i stoped liveing for myself and started liveing for my son and him...after being hurt so much i just dont understand how/why i still love him?
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GET OUT NOW!!!!!!
NO MATTER WHAT YOU ARE THINKING NOW THIS SITUATION WELL NEVER, AND I MEAN NEVER GET ANY BETTER. THE END WILL BE EITHER YOU OR YOUR CHILD WILL BE DEAD! IF NOT FRO YOU, DO IT FOR YOUR CHILD WHO WILL GROW UP WITHOUT A MOTHER. SAFE HOUSES AND FAMILY ORGANIZATIONS, AND YES THE POLICE, IT WILL NOT GET BETTER EVER! I KNOW.
Okay, I have skimmed all the other comments so I am going to be the hard ass. STOP BEING A SELFISH,IRRESPONSIBLE IDIOT! I DO NOT care how you much you think you "love him" & I use that term lightly as this is not love but a cycle of co-dependence & abuse. I do not care how much you will miss him, I do not care about the great guy he used to be & how you do not know why he is like this. There is nothing aobut this situation that is about you now. You are now a mother. START ACTING LIKE ONE! There is an innocent child in amongst all this violence & drug abuse GET OUT. Go to a womens shelter, file a restaining order, if possible get in touch with an organization that will help you run (i.e. new identity, new start). If you ever want to be the mom that this child deserves you need to leave. YOU CANNOT SAVE HIM! Trust me my mother tried for years & it never works. It does not make you a bab person to walk away as a matter of fact it will make you a wonderful person. GO NOW!
Me lady I could go on and on about how he will never be the man you fell in love with but you and I both know that your going to read that in dismiss it instantly so what could I possibly tell you here
you my dear and your child deserve better a more positive role model for you son and for you to be around . One that won't treat you like you don't exist or that everything is always your fault you need to leave and I mean now, yes it does sound like he has his moments of sweetness and and a gentle side, but there's more bad then there are good moments. My Muther after being in a abusive marriage once told me that she left because she didn't want her sons to grow up to be the same way now I know it takes a lot of strength to stay and it takes even greater strength in leaving someone that you love. We can't always choose who we fall in love with but we can choose who we want to be with. You deserve more for yourself as well for your son. There are shelters in groups out there that can help you and moving those 2 feet... I'm not calling you stupid or any of those things just look at yourself in the mirror and look at your son and really dig deep inside and ask yourself whats the best life I can give him,,,, God bless and good luck,,,
If he treats you this way, he'll treat your child the same way. If he is this violent, that can't be good for any child. So, don't stay just for the sake of the baby. You can't help who you love but that doesn't mean you're not responsible for the safety and health of your baby. Sometimes you have to leave someone you love for the better.
im going through the same thing. i love him and i will do anything for him. i fell in the love with a great man so i thought and i know that is way i keep trying to work out our relationship and i mean we have alot to work on. its going to get better just not the way it was when u and i met are men. he has my heart and no one can tell me anything cuz no one knows what goes on behind those close doors except for u and your man.
There are two answers here for what you are going through. The first one is that your soul is tied to this man and the second reason is that you fell in love with his representative. A soul tie happens when we offer ourselves completely to an individual by way of sex. We often meet someone and quickly fall in love with the person that they portray themselves to be...hence the representative. You endure the beatings because you’re hoping that one day that he will see just how much you love him. Sad thing is he will never see it. You deserve better if not for you than most defiantly for your newborn. If mother is getting beat then who is going to protect your child from enduing the same fate? I wish you all the success in this situation. Please remember that in order to receive love that you first have to love self. Love is a gift that is better given to one that is willing to receive that love.
Oh inspiredonealwz it is now 2012 - I wish I would have read your response 2 years ago. After all the reading and research I have done - your advice is the best by far. You probably are long gone - but I want you to know that after me combing through the internet for some type of clarity - you have done given to me. Thank you
I was in an abusive relationship with a crack addict for years I had broken bones, black eyes and most of all a broken spirit. I had low self esteem, lack of self confidence and did not know my WORTH.I left several times only to return to a more explosive situation than before. In stayed because I thought he would change,he kept saying he was sorry and he wouldnt do it again but things stayed the same. I suffered in silence because of shame and fear of being judged. My breaking point was when I found mysekf standing over him with a butcher knife as he slept. The only thing that kept me from doing the unthinkable was Gods grace and my kids. Leaving him for good gave me a feeling of empowerment, and independence. I am now a life and womens empowerment coach. My expierience has given me the desire to help other women. I have remarried to a loving gentle man. I have a nice home a good job and have recently started my coaching practice (Epiphany Coaching). You deserve better and you have the power to make a change in your life. If you are ready to make a change and become the successful women and mother that your child needs, or if you just want an unbiased support system...send me a message. I will be praying for you.
i understand where your coming from. its so hard esp when they didnt used to be like that. and after a while abuse makes you feel like your nothing and that you cant do any better. its all a mind game. he apparently has a lot of demons within. but now you have a child to think about. if he'll beat you up and shoot you he could turn on your child down the road as well, its not always the case but ive heard of it a lot. if you cant seem to leave for yourself and your own safety please leave for the safety of your child or give the baby to a family member or friend but just get the child out of it. theres no reason for any kid to have to grow up watching theyre father beat theyre mother and live in fear or think thats how your suppost to treat women. do it for your baby. and if he continues to butt into your new life you can always turn to a domestic violence service for help and/or file a restraining order against him. things will only get worse and it could end up costing you your life. thats never worth it. give your son a chance to grow up happy and with a mother.
Please, PLEASE for your own safety GET OUT OF THERE. The way he treats you is not loving behavior. Threatening any man you date after him is not a loving gesture.
Someone who really loves you would never, ever raise a hand against you or play mind games with you. You deserve someone who will treat you with respect, and he's afraid you might actually realize that! That's why he threatens to hospitalize the men you're interested in after him, because he's afraid you might find someone who respects you and never come back to him.
This man belongs in jail. Please call the cops on him and get a restraining order. You need him out of your life. Permanently! Leave him and never, ever look back.
Its the toughest thing on earth for you to leave him as everything of yur centres around him................we get habitual and the vaccum created just eats us up.........but its like going through the pain that would bring you out stronger and at the end you would respect yourself for getting out of this and so would your child. Seek professional help to get out of this like a counsellor, a help community or group where you can share an experience who came out of such a mess and is happy now........that might help. But please just come out of this it not just worth all the pain, torture and feeling terrible all the time.
Hey Sweetie - Its all going to be ok. You have already taken your first step to loving yourself. You have reached out and asked for support on here. That's a great start. You are unfortunately not the first woman to find herself in this type of incredibly violent situation and sadly not the last. As you can see there is a world of people sending their loving support to you including me. To help you gather enough self love and self esteem to take the next step. Little steps one after the other right out of the door and into safety. Your partner is unwell and drug addicted. No doubt his pure essence is lovable or once was - there is light in us all ( well all of us who are truly human ) but his soul is riddled with entities that you are not able to protect yourself against. You have thought patterns in place that have been preventing you from believing or envisioning a better future possibly from previous child hood abuse. But these people above me have your best intentions at heart apart from the tactless man that asked you out in such a vulnerable state, no doubt another predator. So start to reprogram your thoughts, start to envision your new life for you and your little son. A life without violence or fear or abuse. There will be a difficult time of transition but not nearly as difficult as the times your are experiencing now. If you are self medicating y with drugs to numb out your obvious pain - you will need to find your strength to get clean and be clean as possible for the next steps. Your life depends on this. You need to locate a safe house and involve the police and any other domestic violence support you can find in your area. Expect the best be prepared for the worst. You will also have to cut your psychic ties with this man otherwise you will continue to call him back into your life and relive this hell on earth over and over again. You are ready, I can feel it. Now is the time. Step into you minds eye and see your two etheric bodies ( your souls) and see where you are still connected. Maybe in the heart chakra ( heart area) your base chakra ( your sex) you will feel or even see the threads of light connecting you. Possibly through the forehead area ( this is how he can track you) Wherever these connections still are you need to pick up the weapon of your choice knife, saw, machete and cut these lines forever. You need to disconnect yourself from this man and be free. You both need help desperately and you will not be able to recover together ( he is not awake enough at this point) You have the strength to do this, your child is counting on you. He came to you for a reason, he is a gift and it is your job to protect him. You can still send love and healing energy to your partner from afar and forgive him in your heart for his lack of self love and incredibly damaging actions. Forgiving him does not lessen the severity of his actions or make them right or permissible on any level, it will help you clear yourself of some of the pain in your heart - it is for your sake not his. You must let him go now so he can understand that he needs help. If you stay you are not loving him, in fact you are enabling him to remain stuck in a very very dark place. Do not speak to him of your decision to leave, do nothing out of the ordinary, if you have a true friend and I mean true ( someone you can trust with your life or a family member that you can trust with your life and your sons life involve them) If not involve the support teams and gather your strength. Call from a safe place when he is not around. Do not worry about your belongings or things. You will be able to manifest whatever you need if you can take this first step. Take your coat and your bubby and everything he needs and leave without looking back. A new life awaits you. You can do this - I know you can. Spirit loves you x Set yourself free x
Its going to be alright. The hardest thing is to leave. People never understand because they never been in the situation, but you have a baby with this person and years with this person. See what has happened is every time he hits you, calls you names, your self esteem drops. You probably have forgot how beautiful you are. you probably don't know that many men would get at you even with a child. Don't let him make you think you are stupid, weak, and ugly. He wants you to think that so you can stay. Thing is you have to say to yourself, I'm getting out and plan for the day to pack your bags and leave. Cry, cry, and cry over him, its alright, but leave-you will be making the right choice. Concentrate on that day and set your mind to it and do it. Even if you have to take a week off a work and disappear for a minute. Tell someone and then go there so you won't have to pay bills for a minute and you can save up. You definitely don't want your child watching this when he gets older and trust me, he feel it even now although he's is a baby. I have been kicked and beat and mentally tortured but once the beating began I left that night, not because I'm stronger than you or was less in love, I just loved myself more than him and thats what you need to do, love yourself and your baby more than him. He's a Loser!
Am I missing something?
He beats you and makes you feel like garbage when you provide the $$ into the household. What is it about him you say you love again? Honestly Woman...so do one thing for yourself and your child and leave that piece of filth.
He will never a man man or even the man you want and be treated half way decent so long as you are footing the bills. He's using you and will keep doing all the things you listed until he puts you or YOUR KID in the hospital.
Use your brain and stop being such an obvious doormat. You're not in love...you're co-dependent!!!
You are every man's dream..... without the beatings ofcourse...
Email me what you become available
call me! okay?
I hope your son won't become a copy of his father in the future and hits his future girlfriends, or hit you when he grow up. If your son is living in this kind of environment he'll definetely think it's okay to hit people. Or maybe he'll grow up with a lot of hatress towards you and your boyfriend. I'm sorry for being too straight but your choice of living with him like this is so stupid! I used to have abusive boyfriend as well now when i think of at that time, when i used to think i love him, cannot live without him even after he hit me, how stupid i was. I should've left him after the first time when he hit me but i continue stayed with him for nearly 2years. those small minded, son of the bithes tell you something like we women deserve to be beaten up, deserved to be verbally abused......when we didn't do anything bad to them. Really, i'm sure you're a good person so do i, i used to ask myself what did i do wrong that god punish me this way by letting me meet this bad person. But i was wrong to think like that! Even if you didn't do anything wrong doesn;t mean you;ll have a good life and meet good people. In order to meet the good people, to have a good life one have to be smart aggressive strong enough to stand up for yourself! I found my way out but ofcourse my situation was different at least i wasn't living with him, but it doesn;t matter. believe in yourself believe in god, pray for him everyday. God bless you and your baby!
What you are going through sounds terrifying, and heart wrenching. I just drew the line with a guy who was being violent with me, so I understand. It wasn't nearly as horrible as your experience has been, but it was hard for me, so I can imagine this is going to be even harder for you. But you have to leave him. If not for you, then for your son. Not only will your son suffer abuse from your boyfriend if you stay together, but more likely than not, he will grow up thinking his fathers behavior was acceptable and perpetuate the behavior.
It sounds like you will definitely need to get the police involved. There are many programs all over the US that enable battered and abused wives, mothers and girlfriends to get counseling and protection. If your guy is as paranoid and controlling as mine was, you will have to do this all very quickly before he figures out what's going on and bugs out.
I wish you the best of luck, and hope desperately that you can find yourself a pah to safety and a relationship that will really bring you love. Feel free to send me a message if you need someone to talk to.
UGH! OH GIRL! Get out & get help from someone you can trust! That is NOT LOVE! I don't care if you have kids with this creep or not! That is NOT environment to raise kids in! He does NOT automatically get love, or respect or the title of "Dad", "Father". That has to be earned!
He gives you the guilt treatment knowing you'll stay & make you think no one else will want or love you! I guess I'm too fickle (or a b!t@#) that way. If he truly cared for you, he wouldn't abuse you in any way! You have a son who will mirror his actions & think that's ok behavior towards women, & animals.
The cycle needs to be broken so you both can heal & move on in your lives!
When you let "love" (which isn't supposed to invole pain) interrupt your pattern of thinking you're in trouble. The real question is, "Why am I keeping my child in a position to witness me getting beaten and disrespected by a man that I choose to stay with?". As an adult who came from an abusive household I can tell you that every time your child sees you being hurt in this way, respect for you is being lost. There were so many times my mom could have walked out and gotten us to safety but instead she let her feelings formy dad keep us in a life of being beaten, starved, watching her get beaten, and so many other things that still bother me to this day. Everyone here is telling you to get help, I'm telling you to help yourself and set your child free of this. If you choose to stay in this kind of relationship then fine, you're an adult. It's irresponsible and should be criminal that you subject a child to this type of life in order to express your "love" for this man. It's unfair to choose this life for your child.
Sometimes this is about insecurities. My mother this problem when she was with her first husband and then again with her second husband. Both would beat her until she was quite literally black and blue and could not move for up to two weeks. During both of these times when she was being beaten, she had two small children to look after. Her first marriage with my two eldest sisters, her second marriage with myself and another older sibling. She found it difficult to leave because she a) was married to the buggers, b) was scared of leaving because he might follow after her and my siblings c) where would she go except back with her parents, my grandparents?
A lot of women in relationships who are being beaten are terrified. It is easy to be in a relationship where you are being beaten by your partner who is supposed to love you. It can be hard to forget about them and leave because of your feelings for this person. But you need to ask yourself a few questions.
How long has this been going on for?
How often does it happen?
Do you want this to continue?
There are a lot of things that you need to ask yourself.
But you need to know that no man or woman is worth the marks they lay across your flesh. You need to leave an abusive relationship. You need to make sure that the first time he hits you is the last time he hits you, because you should pack your bags and get the heck out of there.
If someone loves you, they don't beat you up. It's hard to leave them. But you have to know it's going to be harder if you stay with someone who abuses you, whether it be physical, emotional, verbal or all of these.
Be smarter than him, do this for your safety. Leave the abuse and start a fresh. If you are worried that if you leave the abusive relationship then this person will follow after you, contact the police. Pack up and move in with friends or family. It isn't safe or healthy for you or anyone else to be in this sort of predicament. No one deserves it, and it is certainly NOT your fault!
Please GET OUT NOW! Not only is your life at stake,but the life of your baby,and you say he has already shot you so that makes things even more dangerous! I pray for God to be with you and give you strength in this tough situation,and I know that there are laws in place to protect people from things like this. Please do the right thing and leave! You are in my prayers.
While the people above are completely correct in that you need to get help for yourself, the fact is there is a child involved in this. If you are unwilling to protect yourself, how safe is your child from him? He is willing to break you without any concern so why would he treat his child any better? If you cannot separate yourself from this "man" then you should put the child up for adoption, or take similar measures to prevent the child from being in his control. So long as you are in his control, so is the child. So long as you will not protect yourself, you cannot protect your child. So the best thing for the child's safety is for it to be far away from the both of you.
Of course you love him. He's part of your life. He's the father of your child, but he is also dangerous. Moving out has nothing to do with your love for him, rather your love for your child who needs to be protected. No one can tell you to stop loving him. But if you love him and you want what's best for him, what's best is also what's the safest for you and your son.
Of course you still love him. But you need to get you and your child to safety.
http://www.yourtango.com/200930241/why-do-victims-domestic-violence-stay
Many times you can love someone like this if you had a rough childhood. If you were beaten or molested, somtimes you associate love with pain. Because your abuse was at the hands of someone who you loved and said they loved you. One thing is for sure, physical abuse is not easily fixed. You risk your life of you try to stay with someone while they try to stop beating you. You may want to consider counseling to find out why you are willing to accept this type of behavior. Know that you didn't cause his problems and you cannot fix them. He needs professional help.
I agree with Starlee Meeko, you are going to love him because that is all you know. You don't deserve that kind of treatment for any reason at all. You have a brand new baby boy in your life. You and your son should be able to live a happy life without having to worry about someone coming home and making it not only and uncomfortable situation with what seem like anger issues but also a dangerous situation for you and your son. I dont know your full situation, but you need to do whatever you can to get out of this living situation. I wish you the best of luck and if you need someone to talk to this drphylus1 is my name on here and my AIM account
Your situation is very dangerous, and I've seen just how badly it can end up... Please remember that feelings aren't facts, look at the facts and check out this site:
http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page11.html
You are not doing anything wrong to have him treat you like this, this is about him and his own issues with anger and domination.