Asked by DarthDefault on
My wife isn't who she made herself out to be.
Before my wife and I got back together after a eight year separation, we both talked a lot on how we had changed and grown. She made herself out to be my dream woman once again. The perfect, ideal woman I always dreamed of, but never got. She seemed very grown up, since we were just teenagers in our first try, much more responsible, more likely to get up and try to solve any problem, work with me, or pull me kicking and screaming to work on any problem we might have.
The first couple of months were wonderful. We talked a lot, about everything. Shared everything, worked together on everything.
Then, one day, I realized, I had basically told her my entire life story, including everything she missed during our separation, but she had told me very little about herself. We only shared when I started it, and she would usually claim there wasn't much to share about her life. We only worked together on things when I started it, and as long as I pushed her to finish it.
Then one night, when I asked what happened to the woman I wanted to marry, she hit me with, "She's lost and scared. I don't know where she is, or when she's coming back."
She admits to not knowing or thinking about how it would affect me when I found out, because she says she never thought it would last very long, the lie, I mean.
She says she thought she could easily become this type of person with the proper motivation, and doesn't know why it's so hard to just get up and be herself.
So I was left thinking I wasn't doing enough for her, and that maybe she doesn't really want me...
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I was there. Not the same exact story but same situation. I was her. I was lost and scared...scared of commitment and scared that I would fail in the relationship... I was confused of how i can love my boyfriend (now my husband) if i had thoughts of cheating and not be 100 percent as he was. I broke up with him and moved away. During this time..I did what I wanted be out and dating...though I thought I was filling my fantasy to do me...i realized that the reality of it all...was nothing that I imagined. It was a fantasy. I realized that I had everything I wanted in him. Someone who loved me and would do anything for me. It was me that needed discipline...I needed discipline to see the good things in my life. I vowed to myself that I would give it my all no matter how scared I thought I was...I was not going to mess this up. We got back together...and boy was it even harder..because now he did not trust me. I stuck it out and continued to support him ...as hard as it was...I stuck it out. We have come a very long way. The love I feel for him now is ...unexplainable...it is a love with respect, honor and bliss. It is stronger then ever before. I have hope for you and her. She would have to make the decision to be with you no matter how scared she is. She has to have faith in you. It will not always be perfect but if you guys build a vision together and work towards it and everyone goes at this goal 100% thru the good and bad....I truly believe you will be were you want to be.
Yes, i can relate. We really have to re-think what we are led to believe about how women grow up faster than men and are more sound relationship wise. 8 out of the ten women i have known in my life didn't fully understand the ramifications of their actions, it's not like i had 300 years to to keep improving myself on their account, Your wife returned to you because she was her own road block, i know you loved her completely but you are learning that love just isn't enough, You could lose a lot of your inner peace and social status if you let her lead you down the road she came from. I would love to tell you to go to councillors etc. but that is only a band aid solution at best, so you will get the same advice as her. Find yourself a compatible soul. Misery loves company.
It sounds like BOTH of you are trying to find someone to "sort you out." BOTH of you need to step back and become the person you are attempting to attract.
You cannot expect her to "drag you kicking and screaming" into anything - that is your job - to look after yourself. She is trying to "please" you by being something YOU expect.
Now, stop looking at her actions and look at yourself. You are the ONLY person who can change yourself situation. You cannot change others but you CAN give them the ring to grow. Be warned though, that if you give someone they room they need to grow, they will most likely grow out of YOU.
Decide on what you want the other person to be and then be THAT yourself.
When I got married I became what the perfect mother and wife should be according to the women in my family and womens magazines, because well admitting I wasn't it. My DH and I in our 23 + year marriage have seen a lot of counselors etc. What it all boiled down to was that my true self is socially unacceptable and what I was raised what a 'lady/wife/mother' is just wasn't me. Fast forward to today...I've done a lot of research on what we're taught should be and what is. It took me a long time to like who I am and to 'Be' who I am, and you know what I found out? I'm not so strange after all. Today I refuse to be repressed and am thankful my DH stood next to me while all my quirkiness came to light. Best yet, he looked at me a couple of months ago and said "God I've missed you! ~This~ is the woman I married! I embrace her for who she is and always have. I pray that other woman is dead and buried!"
My point, maybe she thinks no one will like the real her so she becomes what others need in order to be liked and loved. You would be amazed at how many people feel this way and do this. She ~must~ like her self and be comfortable with who that is, and no amount of marriage counseling will fix that because it is all about the couple; and the sessions are together. What I did is write on my bathroom mirror "Who are you?" "Im okay, Your okay." and "Let your freak flag fly. quoted by Drew Barrymoore"
and everyday I strive to be who I am not what others expect me to be, and every day it gets easier. I find quotes that support my believe to be the best me I can be, because I am a good person just a bit odd.
And my husband loves every bit of me.....now that he knows who that is!
Going off of your previous question, it sounds like she has gone through something really emotionally damaging in her past.
If she really wants to turn her life around at this point then she really should go and get some counseling. From all you've said, it sounds like its beyond both of you to work on her issues either together or individually. She may have been hoping that if she just pretended to be the person she wants to be with you then it would eventually happen, but now she is realizing that her issues aren't going away.
Help her find her way to a counselor. It really would be best for both of you.
Been there done that. It's easy to talk the talk, but much harder to walk the walk. From my experience and it hasn't been that long ago, I could have been the one to write your story.
Looking back, it's a gamble that you were willing to take. If you were to look at it now, would you agree she basically hasn't changed much and it is probably the same reason it didn't work before?
I can only suggest counseling for both of you if there is to be any chance of survival. Good luck to you.