Asked by ragingnorthwolf on
What can I do about no libido?
I moved in with my fiance a little over a year ago after we dated for 2 years. When we first moved in together, we couldn't have enough of each other. Then a few months later our sex life began dwindling. Now it mostly seems like a chore for me to have sex with him. I love him to no end but I can never seem to get in the mood. Role playing doesn't help, porn doesn't help, using "toys" doesn't help either. I just can't seem to get horny anymore. It's very upsetting because my fiance still has a huge sex drive and I never want to do it with him. And I can tell it hurts him that I don't want it.
I'm not sure what is causing it but I do have a very stressful job. I also get homesick from time to time because I moved 1200+ miles away from my family to be with him. I don't think it is my birth control because I've been on it the entire time we've been seeing each other.
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I've been married for 2 years, but we've been together for a total af 6. I can tell you first hand this lack of labido may come and go. My best advice would be to go back to when you guys were just dating. Being more sensual than just sexual. Doing the sweet things again. May sound strange but when we are having a love slum I like just making out, for a long time like in the past and not always having sex right after the session. Good luck.
Too much togetherness can reduce the spark of sex. Not having some friendships that are still growing like with your family who you are homesick to see also puts a lot of strain and unrealistic expectations on a relationship. Stressful work can really make it difficult to focus or have the energy to focus. You speak of him as your finance. I'm wondering when is the wedding planned for and is your body saying to you this relationship possibly is in limbo and the libido would kick in gear once your gut senses a stronger connection and commitment? I might be entirely wrong and probably intrusive for asking such a question, but it comes to mind. Remember, the mind is your most powerful sex organ and if something is bothering you deep in your mind, the body is often where is shows up first. You've been trying a lot of outward stuff, but it sounds like the key is on the inside and for that I'd seek professional help like others have suggested.
Definitely take a vacation to visit family, at the very least an extended thanksgiving or christmas break... but it is the simple stuff that guys can do for their women - running a hot bath with scented candles, giving a neck or foot massage, cooking dinner and offering to clean up after as well... any guy who wants to help get his woman in the mood will do all this and more gladly...
I suggest that you can psych yourself up for more sex. Sex is a part of who we are as a person. It is not a chore so that definition has to be eliminated. Start by looking in the mirror tell yourself how sexy you are and how horny you feel (even if you don't when you start!). Much is because you are homesick. That too can be overcome by thinking good about where you are now. Sex is good for stress too. Talk about what is erotic for both to get each on the same play page!
If you are taking Yaz, thats your culprit right there..Also, sex drive is not just physical, it is also mental. Feeling lonely takes your sex drive away. Being tired takes the remaining drive away. And some pills adversely affect sexuality. SOLUTION: For your relationship's sake, take a vacation, visit your family and friends. go visit some place for a weekend. Hotels are offering crazy low rates, take em up on it. And long drives are wonderful to connect with a loved one, just the two of you, away from work and stress... ever wondery why people 'go away' on honeymoon? ... you got it... to connect with each other while away from all stresses of life. good luck
If you are taking Yaz, thats your culprit right there..Also, sex drive is not just physical, it is also mental. Feeling lonely takes your sex drive away. Being tired takes the remaining drive away. And some pills adversely affect sexuality. SOLUTION: For your relationship's sake, take a vacation, visit your family and friends. go visit some place for a weekend. Hotels are offering crazy low rates, take em up on it. And long drives are wonderful to connect with a loved one, just the two of you, away from work and stress... ever wondery why people 'go away' on honeymoon? ... you got it... to connect with each other while away from all stresses of life. good luck
The others here are right, you need to seek a professional for help. It sounds like it is possible that you could be suffering from a mild depression. You are away from your family and admit that you are homesick. You have a stressful job and now lack interest in sex.
Ask yourself, AND your fiance(the people closest to us sometimes see things we don't) if there have been changes in your habits since your libido has dropped off. Sleeping and eating more or less are symptoms, as are loss of interest in other things you once enjoyed. Please make an appointment to talk to someone. I really think it will help you both. I hope all turns out well for you.
I have been on his side of the equation; And on yours. I got over it by finding a good Dr. and by changing how i viewed time and events. First is to study your medications to see if there might be a connection. Taking the same birth control over a long period with emotional changes (which change brain chemistry) might have a part to play.
However,the word chore sticks out. You mentioned that your support system was far away. The job is stressful. You are adapting to a whole new set of emotional circumstances.
I went thru the same with my ex. I built up resentment over things and it is now that I realize that her idea of "fun" sex did not take into account that I needed a different set of emotional "down" time. I liked a different style of fun. Being sexual "on demand" was not fun for me. Nor was waiting 45 minutes when she had called for me to pick her up after class(i had graduated) so she could talk to a professor. I felt sidelined and unimportant to her like a list of things to do all one her time scale.
Seek some professional help that is open about sex and sexuality.
Sometimes medications can bring this on antidepressants and the like. But stress is also a big factor. Some female surgeries also can be the culprit. Also, he may not turn you on anymore.
Job stress and the "loss" of immediate family and friends can have a lot to do with it, and mounting pressure to perform to please your boyfriend only adds to that. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is demanding it of you, but does he really understand how much stress you go through at work and how much you miss home AND how badly you feel because your sex drive is currently non-existent?
If he doesn't then you need to try to get him to really understand what you are dealing with...hopefully it will help him try to be more supportive with what you are going through. It wouldn't hurt for you both to see a counselor as well...kind of an impartial 3rd who can help you both understand each other better.
Obviously you are trying everything that you can think of, so maybe getting professional help would be the next best step.