Asked by dustbunny on
Is it ever okay to get back together with an abusive ex?
I am madly in love with my ex boyfriend but he has substance abuse issues, has broken my things, and hit me once in the past. Is there any hope that he can change and we can have a normal loving relationship?
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Wow, I wonder if this is how those kind of relationships start.... I had two that could have gone that way, but I ended both of them when I realized that was not how I wanted to live. I was with a guy who was great when we first met (took me to dinner, made sure I got to work okay, came over and spent time with me, gave me money for anything I needed or even if I didn't, etc.) He treated me like a princess on a pedestal, and then we moved in together and BOOM! I found out he was a an alcoholic, doing crack cocaine. He would disappear for days at a time, always came home with booze on his breath and sometimes in different clothes than I saw him in last. I grew tired of the excuses, the apologies and the bizarre behavior. I ended it and moved out, and one day he stood at my door of my new place. I was furious that my last residence gave him my address! Another guy was same with the princess treatment but also drank, and was constantly monitoring what I wore, where I went, when I came home and finally one day got angry enough to hit a wall behind me. I was outta there!! So the answer to your question is a resounding NO!!!!
I have been in this situation many times and let me tell you, it's not worth the anguish and you health, mental or otherwise. I ended up with a broken back. My kids are so messed up, I don't know how I am going to help them, although they are going through therapy etc.
You can't change him, if he wants to change that's fine, but DO NOT go back, it's like hitting your head against a wall!, In will only stop hurting if you stop!
I wish girls like you could see that you are WORTH MORE than an abusive user for a boyfriend.
You need to pull yourself up and out of his grasp. There is NO love in a situation where this man has laid a harmful hand upon you. You are not in love - you are scared that you can't find better.
I have been there. I have been hit. I have been hurt, crying, and agonizing over the same tough decisions. I decided to strike out on my own and leave him behind. After a couple years of therapy I came to realize that I am stronger than staying in an abusive relationship. That I am worth someone who will treat me well, love me, and someone who takes care of himself (not a user, employed, stable, sane, etc) as well. It takes two to have a solid, committed, meaningful relationship. Both people must be in a good place.
I hope you can find the same strength. You are worth it.
This boils down to your own self-esteem - what you believe you deserve in life. Ask yourself why you feel you only deserve someone who is abusive and puts drugs or alcohol or whatever substance before his relationships.
There is a whole world of people out there and a world of people who are loving and wouldn't even consider being with someone of such low quality.
Spend some time with YOURSELF and develop your strength and you will see that naturally this guy will no longer be attractive to you.
You could start with the self-help section of your local bookstore or library. A therapist named Louise Hay has worked wonders for people who have had their share of knocks in life. You may wish to try her book: "You Can Heal Your Life." There are many different types out there but if self-help doesn't appeal to you, there is counselling which is readily available. You need to get to the root of why you feel addicts and abusers are all that you are worthy.
It may sound cliche but you DO deserve better. We all do.
I think by now you have got the point !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! please dont even waste you time with this type of loser. there are so many wonderful men that would love to have a girl thay could love,hold ,and take care of . Just remember the three things that makes a relaitionship one with out the other wont work . comunnication , sex, and most of all TRUST GOOD LUCK
Im sorry to tell you this but there's NO WAY that this relationship can ever flourish! Im a victim of it and the best thing I ever did was leave him. Im speaking about my ex husband and father to my only son. Please try and get some counseling because I fear you will need it. It's a long and hard process to go through but it's necessary! Good luck!
Salinee14
That's a big fat NO! He's toxic and it can only escalate from him destroying your stuff to him destroying you. Walk away. I have seen what abuse can do and it's NEVER worth it.
No, it's not. If he has hit you in the past, he'll do it again and if hasn't, in any way, tried to get help with his addiction, then he's not trying to stop. And there is no way in hell, he's going to change. So for your safety, it'd be best to just be strong and leave.
Dear, i can understand how it feels, coz i went through same kinda sitution before. IF a man hit you once he'll never gonna stop! Before i didn't believe but that asshole who hit me really proved to me that it's 110% true! Please never ever be with a guy who hits you, or mistreat you. I can tell how much u love that bastard coz not many girls can take this shit and still asking from others about if you can stay or not, i used to be like you! Tell him to go and fuck himself and leave him! that;s what i did, and i'm very happy now. if wanna ask me about this kind of things, i can advice you! U can send me and e-mail. Leave him! Be strong like an eagle!
Happened to one of my really good friends... cath is totally right. He is only an addiction until he kicks it and will pay NO attention to you... drugs are his priority.
And try that thing where you draw a line from one of alphabete's statements to one of your own. You'll see what she means.
To put it as eloquently as possible, If a man ever broke my sister's femurs, I would fucking crucify him upside down, shove his severed genitals in his mouth and leave him to the fucking crows.
Girl, what is so awesome about this guy that his blatant disrespect of your person and your property make him worth getting back together with?
Don't you feel you deserve someone who loves you and who will afford you the same respect he might afford his boss, his mama, or a person on the street?
If you get back together with him you're telling him several things:
a) You're more important than I am, full stop
b) It's okay if you abuse drugs, and it's perfectly fine if you end up stealing from me and selling my things, ignoring me, and possibly even pimping me out later (remember he's an abuser) to get some drugs. Drugs are more important than I am.
c) I can totally afford to buy stuff for you to break. But if you break them, how will you sell them for drugs?
d) I'm a punching bag, a doormat, and pretty much a piece of property, just like one of my things you break. It's fine. I don't deserve to be treated like someone, just treat me like something.
If you think I'm being outrageous, write down everything you said and compare it with everything I just said. Draw lines from one of your statements to one of mine. I may be right. Respect yourself. It's better to be alone than with a man who will treat you worse than he would treat his dealer. And you know he treats his dealer right.
NO!!!!!!! IT NEVER GETS BETTER ONLY WORSE. BEEN THERE DONE THAT!!!!!
NO!
He's still an addict? Get rid of him. The guy you love is gone. Until he goes through rehab, completes and spends at least six months drug-free, don't go anywhere near him.
You can't change him. Only he can decide to go to rehab and change himself. And then only he can make the changes, and make them permanent.
You should go and enjoy your life, don't wait around for an addiction, which is all he is until he kicks it.