Asked by Rebecca Kidder on
Help, at 40 my husband dated a 16yo...
This was 3 yrs ago/before we met. He says it was a huge mistake and wants to forget about it, that it's brought him closer to God.
He claims it was not sexual, which may be possible, as we "waited" for marriage but we had not done this with previous partners. He is shy when it comes to physical intimacy; he has only kissed 5 women (inc. me & I'm his 3rd wife!). We dated for 3 wks before we kissed and I had to make the first move. I still have to make the first move when it comes to sex and we're married! But, I also know how forward teens can be these days and this girl is now pregnant or was pregnant.
I wish I could just get over it, there are things in my past I would not want him questioning me for. But, since she was only 16 I am disturbed by this, it makes me physically sick to my stomach when I think about it.
I love him very much, he is a wonderful thoughtful man. I can see what she saw in him, but his gullibleness in falling for her sickens me. She apparently lured him by being needy (she's a cutter, also got into Coke) and he wanted to help. He's always helping everyone. But, he should have passed her on to someone in the church!
I don't know how long they dated (I don't want to know).
Lastly, I have a 19yo daughter that does not live with us, but the same age this girl would be today. I don't think I have anything to worry about, but obviously my mind wonders.
What are your thoughts on this and any suggestions you have on dealing with this would be appreciated.
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That's DISGUSTING! I would have thought twice before I dated this guy and he is YOUR husband. I don't think he is a PEDI, so I wouldn't worry about your 19 yo daughter.
My BFF, at 16, was dating a 40 year old man too. He went to jail for eight years and I believe that is where your husband should have gone too.
Thank you to the 2 that answered so far & here are the answers to your Qs:
He said he's been to counseling.
He didn't tell me about it, in fact, he lied when I asked who she was.
Q - I'm just the opposite of a needy person, I have no addictions/never have, there's nothing more I could ask for in life (except retirement, I have a lot of stress, mostly job related, that's it).
..
Ummm it happened before you met and was over before you met, the fact that he had the courage to share this with you means he's no pedophile and the relationship was non sexual. What's the problem exactly?
Your daughter is an adult by every definition of the word and quite able to make up her own mind about her body. Unless she is mentally not 19 she is not likely to try to sleep with your husband nor is he likely to try to seduce her...sex offenders (provided he IS a sex offender which is in serious doubt) usually have a prediliction they follow, so as long as your daughter isn't a cutter or on drugs she should be fine. Trust that your daughter loves you and wouldn't hurt you by sleeping with your husband...I am going to assume that your relationship with her is non-adversarial and she is happy for you. Be open to the idea that you are there to talk with her and trust your loved ones until they prove they can't be trusted.
Your husband fell for a wounded teen's bullshit (pardon my french) and tried to help, he found out how easy it is to help someone who is hell bent on self destruction and moved on to a much more stable and real relationship with you, let his bring you joy! Wounded teenage girls are hard for any man who loves to resist and they are trying out their feminine wiles for the first time...it is not uncommon for middle aged men to find themselves caught in their clutches and judged to be nasty, sick perverts. Simply put, they aren't and it is very hard to extricate yourself from these young girls without causing them harm or getting thrown in jail on her say so. Be gentle with him, unless you have real proof he is actively seeking young girls for sexual purposes, it could have simply been a case of a caring man and a wounded girl. This happened to a lover of mine recently and even though at every turn he acted above board and never touched this girl inappropriately (she was proven to still have an intact hymen after making the accusation he had gotten her pregnant though repeated sexual encounters...there was no evidence of a pregnancy and she was judged to still be a virgin by a gynocologist!) still she tried at every turn to accuse him and seduce him. He shouldn't be judged to be sick for wanting to help a young girl who with proper medication and professional care was able to recant and appologize to him and everyone she hurt.
If you feel your relationship is having some sexual issues then I would suggest some good conversation and maybe some counselling first with a medical doctor then with a therapist if needed...his libido may be naturally lower than yours or he may have some hormonal issues which lower the libido. My point is unless you talk openly and candidly about the issue you can't really know what is going on in his mind/body. He may just prefer to allow you to take the more active role in bed...still a good talk about how you would like to be the non-aggressor might help him understand what you feel is lacking.
I wish you and your family the best and hope it all works out for you! God Bless!
Tough one. Your husband sounds like he is "too" nice. Being a nice guy and helping people out is one thing, but jumping up to rescue others and getting so emotionally involved in the process is a whole other set of luggage. I would advise you to advise him to actually go and get some counseling for it. I'm not saying he isn't a genuinely good guy, but that is a bit extreme.
I can also understand how you would be affected by him falling for a 16 year old girl while he is 40. On the surface it certainly does seem skeevy, and despite knowing that he wouldn't chase your daughter I can still see why your mind would wander.
Have you discussed all of this with him? How its affecting you? Sure, this all happened before you were in the picture so, in theory, shouldn't have any bearing on your marriage, but its affecting you which means that it is affecting your marriage.
I wouldn't focus so much on the details his relationship before you, but more on why he got involved. For some reason he wanted to rescue her, and its one thing to still approach relationships like that when you are in your teens, even up to your early 20s, but its a huge warning bell that something isn't right when you are in your 40s! At that point he should already know that he can't "rescue" anyone, and that he certainly wasn't trained or equipped with the tools to give this girl the real help she needed, namely rehab and psychotherapy. Someone at church would have been able to recognize that, and your right that he should have directed her to where she could get help.
I'm curious if anything like this, the whole need to rescue thing, has surfaced at all in your marriage and the courtship before it. Did it seem at any time that he was trying to save you from somthing? Does he seem to drop everything for someone else who is in need?
Off hand, I'd probably say that is your biggest concern. I had a similar problem in my teens up to my early 20s, and I dated a number of women that I shouldn't have because of it. It took a bit of therapy and a hard, honest look at myself and what I was really wanting to break through it. For me, it was like a cry for help, for someone to save me. I've since learned how to be a helpful, nice guy without sacrificing myself or my loved ones for others in need.
Urge him to get therapy, and you may want to go yourself to get a better grip on what you are dealing with and how to handle it. At the very least, if you haven't done so, you need to let him know all about how your feeling in regards to this girl he dated and your fears concerning having him around your own daughter. As you said, a part of you knows that nothing will happen, but he needs to know just how much this is really affecting you.