Asked by rrand123 on
Should a new married couple end Facebook and Myspace friendships with the oppositie sex?
My wife and I recently got married... we met on internet chat and friendship became love and love into marriage. However, one thing that is strange, we both are still chatting with internet friends, most of whom we have never met... I have girls wanting to add me as friend and asking to meet me... she is still chatting with guys that she has had on her list for over a year or two and of course more guys are trying to meet her as well. What should we do? How should we handle this? Some friends and relatives have made different suggestions... one was... we should cancel those websites and make a joint webpage of our photo together.. put in status as married and add only friends and relatives that we have met... another suggestion was to continue as is as long as neither cares and we are honest with each other... one was that we share the password so either of us can get in... so you see, I don't know how to handle this.. for me.. I could delete the account and live happily ever after but she has a need for being on it 2 or 3 hours a day.... I dont want to cause her any grief to by asking her to cut down on internet time... Ok.. let me know what you think.. Thanks.
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The answer can be quite simple...
1. Change your profile pictures to a picture of the two of you on your wedding day.
2. Plaster the words "HAPPILY MARRIED", all over your self description.
3. Set your profiles to private, so others are less likely to try and meet you this way.
4. On the off chances someone doesn't get the message tell them you aren't interested and/or unfriend them or anyone that you know that you will not have any real interest in talking to now that you are married.
I don't understand what the fuss is about. If you wouldn't trust your spouse in a bar full of members of the opposite sex, then you probably shouldn't have married them, right? I am going to hope that since you have taken the plunge in to wedded bliss that you can trust each other not to cheat. The same goes for the internet.
I think it's perfectly healthy for people to maintain friendships with members of both sexes in these online places. So, as it concerns your wife... If all this chatting with guys is just as friends, and not done in secret from you, I think it's harmless. You're probably just feeling jealous of the attention she's giving to them, and that's really a different issue. She probably also chats with girls, too, right? And it's not like *that* bothers you... One thought: Maybe your wife could introduce you or include you from time to time so that you can meet some of her online guy friends?
Now, if it's romantic chat & flirting & done secretly by her, then I would understand your concern more. But either way, you should talk about it openly with your wife. Declare what your expectations are to each other, and explore why you may feel the way you do. I have to say, I personally think it's unreasonable to expect anyone to limit their online friends to just members of their own sex. Instead, it's much more freeing to allow your partner (and yourself) to maintain a lot of friendships with a lot of different types of people. Just don't hide it. Be open about it... create an environment in which you can say, "Hey honey, I was chatting online with Mary, and we were laughing about that old TV show..." and she can say to you, "Hey, I was chatting with Joe today and we were talking about so and so..." *Include* each other, is what I'm suggesting.
In my situation, that's what we do. We also have an agreement that, if we have or develop romantic feelings toward someone else, then we will not engage in or maintain those particular online friendships. This has proven pretty good for us, as we both have assurance that, whatever is going on online is purely friendly interaction.
One warning... Sometimes you gotta be a "bigger man" to learn these rules and live by them. My wife friended an old lover recently, and it pissed me off to no end. I mean, I was really, really pissed about it. But, she assured me that it's strictly a friend thing and that she no longer has any romantic interest in the guy. (Still, admittedly, I'm a little peeved about it. But it is within what we agreed to. If I could go into this fresh like you're doing, I'd probably insert a clause that says: Friend any guy "friend" you want, but no old fuck-buddies. Damn, should've thought of that. Oh well, it if doesn't kill me it'll make me stronger, right?)
BTW, this all doesn't mean that we can't flirt a little. I personally don't do that, but I do see my wife flirting out there quite a bit. I've called her on it a few times, but she's assured me that it's all harmless. So, hey, if she gets a few jollies telling some dudes how hot they are, then how does that really hurt me? (It used to hurt a little emotionally, actually, but I've since learned that it doesn't take away from how she feels about me.)
There is a HUGE difference between using the internet to connect with friends and using the internet to meet potential dates. If you two are still looking to meet someone new for a date, then yes maybe you two should have a joint FB account, for the accountability and for you to learn how to use social media responsibly.
But before you do that. Try restricting your privacy settings. Make it so only your friends can see your profile. Then make it so when people search for you or don't know you they can't see your picture. Then tell your wife that you did that because you want to be above board in all your dealings with people online and in person. Ask your wife to help keep you accountable. Hopefully, your example will set one for her.
Wait a few weeks and if it doesn't sit her down and talk to her. Ask her if she wouldn't mind doing the same. Voice your concerns and broach the subject of a joint FB account.
I am married and have FB and MySpace. My FB privacy settings are pretty strict so people don't usually try to be my friend b/c my picture looks "hot." Same for my husband. The few times people have tried to friend me or messaged me with messages that were a little smarmy, I just ignored them. Simple as that.
But I do have several guy friends on the site and I do chat with them from time to time to catch up and find out what's new in their life. That is nothing to hide from my DH and if he suggested I stop that I would be a little offended. Because I've never done anything to warrant his lack of trust.
Look, you have to trust your wife. Bottom line. A marriage without trust isn't going to work. You can't monitor her every move through out the day or online. At some point you have to let go. You can't restrict who she is friends with online, but you can set an example and voice your concerns politely.
But you have to trust her. And it sounds like you don't. Why not? Has she been meeting these guys on dates? IF she hasn't. IF she's kept everything above board and not been leading guys on, then you need to trust her and let it go.
You didn't talk about this BEFORE you got married to find out where the two of you stood on this issue?
Well, you can't undo what'd been done, so you have to work with what you have. Personally, I would be bothered by my S/O having to be online for 2-3 hours a day for social networking. Of course, that's just me. There has to be some compromise on this. First, if you're both going to stay online, then both of you need to let the world (physical as well as cyberspace) know that you two are married. It has to be on every social networking site that either of you are on.
I think that you both need to address her need to be online for that many hours a day. My take on it is if that you're her husband, she shouldn't need to have so much of her time monopolized by online friends. It also goes to how you each feel about the other having online friends. If you're bothered by the amount and intent of these friends, it has to be addressed. Not addressing it, or glossing over it, will allow it to fester to a boiling point, and things can get really ugly after that.
I was in an 8 year live-in relationship. We never actually got married, but we lived like we were. The relationship ended several years ago, but I experienced something much like what you described during my relationship. I believe that I kept my own social networking page open and kept in contact with members of the opposite sex because I was never 100% sure about my relationship and where it was headed. So it was like keeping the door open for "something better to come along." Even though i loved him, I was younger and less secure about what I really wanted from the relationship or from any for that matter.
Since you have already married, and thus should be seen in social networks as a married couple that only socializes with others who can respect that union, I would say that the idea of a joint page sounds like a good one. Many people create a joint page once they get married, and it works for them. Of course, even married you should both be solid enough to enjoy platonic friendships with both men and women. Therefore, having a joint site with both friends of hers and yours individually, will allow you both to still socialize and use social networking, but establish clearly that you are a couple and only interested in maintaining friendships with people that are supportive of you both and without ulterior motives for contacting either of you.
I hope this helps, I know how difficult it can be to respect one's individuality, while trying to respect and protect the boundaries of marriage. Bottom line is, any true friend can still be such to one or both of you, online or in person, when you present yourselves clearly as a unit of two individuals. Anyone who shies away from contacting you with a joint site, is demonstrating questionable behavior in my humble opinion.
Good luck! :)
I had a facebook and myspace, and was friends with members of the opposite sex,
and especially spending a great deal of time on the sites can make for what seems and sometimes is ( as you and your SO found one another there) real feelings for a member of the opposite sex. Yes, I know some people can control things, or so they think, but, I thought the same thing, and ended up having a year long affair , my SO found out, and 4 years later the marriage is still in shambles. You also run the HIGH risk of emotional affairs, while physical is AWFUL, EMOTIONAL can be marriage ending. If you are too busy, have to work late, go out of town on business, your SO has a built in network of members of the opposite sex that are MORE THAN EAGER to listen, and comfort her through all her emotional needs, and that is not their place! And although some may not agree, usually there is a reason that members of the opposite sex want to be "FRIENDS"!
You stated of women wanting to meet you, and men wanting to meet her, and why do you think they want to meet, to save your souls? To get help with their resume?
Most people that are pursuing married people are looking for sex, some only look
for married for a NSA relationship, and while that may be fine with some people(see open marriages), your statements indicate you do not want this, as a matter of fact you are already uncomfortable with the whole thing. The internet is useful for many reasons, and HARMFUL too! Talk to your SO, and tell her how you feel, and social networking sites for personal use should be avoided at all costs!! Dont go the route I did, or let her, and it sneaks up on you, and WILL RUIN YOUR MARRIAGE!! Spend that time together, doing something constructive with one another, having all day sex, dining with other couples, etc. Trust me, you will look back and be happy you closed those sites, and online relationships down. Nothing good can come of it if you dont. Good Luck!