Asked by Rhett on
Anyone Else Successfully Made It Through a REALLY Rough Patch?
The details.... okay, well, I'm just some dude. My wife's going through something of her own, something I don't fully understand. I'm trying to hold space for her. We've been married 15 years, together 20+. As far as I'm concerned, she's my soul mate. I love her more than anything, ever. She used to be *so* madly in love with me. I mean, sure, we had rough patches, good times & bad like anyone else. But, I always thought we were a permanent team, like an institution or something. I see her as my best friend, confidante, lover, partner in life ... and then one day she just stopped. After 20 years -- and some *damn* passionate ones in there, too -- she was just like, "Uh, I just don't think you're sexy... oh, and I *never* did." She'd met some hot dude in the desert one day who was *so* unbelievably sexy, she said, that it actually redefined sexy for her. I mean, here's a 40-year old woman... she's seen a LOT of hot men in her life, and has dated and made out with a lot of them, too. But NO ONE in the history of all men compares to this super-dude in the desert? WTF? Who was this guy? Like some sort of magical freakin stud from outer space or something? I mean, seriously! 40-years and all the hot men in the whole world, and *no* one compares with this?
Anyway, I know I'm anonymous here, but for the sake of argument, let's just say that I *AM* attractive, ok? And that she used hand-feed my ego on that level, for many years. So, I went digging through emails and love notes from her. I said, "What about this? What about that?" (all notes and things from her telling me how "sexy" -- yes, quoting directly -- she thought I was). I mean, Christ, there are love notes from our younger days that are too steamy for even this site! So, I showed her that stuff, some of it recent, and she got all confused. It was like I was showing her things she'd written that she'd forgotten about (or maybe had repressed in light of the super-stud from outer space). So, she agreed to hang around and see what happens to "us."
That was a year ago. We've grown closer in spirit since then, but I don't think she's budged much on the sexy thing. Whether she's pining away for mr studly, I can't say. She claims not to be, but who knows for sure. We've only slept together three or four times since then.
I'm looking for signs of hope out there. Anyone else been through something really, really soul-crushing and rough -- and actually fixed it?
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That answers my question and I'll explain why I asked. My husband and I went through a nasty "dry spell" during the time he was reassessing what he wanted out of life. In my case he was having sex with others without my knowledge and at times denying me so that I thought he had really lost his libido...his excuse was he was "tired". What he was was angry, bone deep angry that I was denying him the right to express himself the way he felt he needed to. He, like your wife, has always believed that one should be able to express a sexual interest in another person without it causing harm to his origional relationship. In his family this was perfectly acceptable where in mine it would have caused bloodshed.
The major problem was I, like many other women felt that that was a cop out and a male way of having everything while I waited patiently at home alone. I couldn't handle the thought of him enjoying himself with anyone else and I had my whole sense of self wrapped up in the myth that HIS fidelity made ME a perfect wife...
While he was out being angry and hurt I met a younger man who changed my life so fundamentally I think he was sent by providence to do just that. He listened and loved my committment to my husband. He helped me to see that by stifling my husband I was not permitting myself the chance to grow, mind you I wasn't just stifling his libido, I was a real controlling wench! Through the loving support of my new friend I was able to confront my husband and actually listen with my heart rather than my head. I learned to let go lovingly and we realized that our two world views weren't compatible. He needed to be free to make decisions for himself BY himself and he learned that I needed to be less protected and allowed to skin my knees a bit. We also needed to get my parents out of the middle of our relationship, after 15 years of marriage it was time for us to be US.
My husband also wanted me to meet my friend face to face (we met in an online RPG) and when we met he was there to watch the sparks fly...and instead of being jealous, my husband was floored with how right it felt to see me glowing and so very happy.
Now, my husband is a swinger, he tends to invest the minimal amount of emotional energy into an outside relationship. I, on the other hand, am firmly poly in that I want it all...love, respect and sex. My lover is monogamous though he understands and respects my desire to be with my husband. He simply, at this time feels content with what we have, though he admits that if he should ever meet another woman who would accept this arrangement then he'd consider it.
All this backround aside what I'm trying to say is even if you don't think in any way you'd ever be able to "handle" a swinging or poly lifestyle just being willing to look down the "slope" might prove that it's not as scary as you imagined. Loving one person doesn't cause you to automatically fall out of love with another. Obsessing over what you can't have will make the worst happen. It's something to talk about even if you never explore the possibility...afterall some of the hottest sexy times my husband and I have are imagining what it might be like if I were to just cut loose one night and go wild at a swing party. Will it happen? Probably not but it's fun to explore and heats up a cold night!
Still if she is really having libido problems a trip to the Doctor would really help, she might need testosterone and estrogen balancing but I suspect she also needs someone to talk to. If she can find that someone in you then she'll know real lasting happiness. Of this I'm completely sure.
~Airen
Lyz- "Sounds like by saying that she was trying to hurt you and she did. I am inclined to think there is something else going on with her too." Good points... I need to think about those things. Yes, there are further details to the story that I didn't go into, ones that partially explain some of it. But, your response does help me. So thank you!
w8ing- Boy, I sure dod think that at first. But she swears it went no further than just acknowledging the particularly strong sexual attraction. I'm not 100% convinced of that, though. As for getting my ducks in a row, I'm really not into that sort of thing. I'm honestly just trying to build the marriage back. There's more to that, too. I was basically faced with a decision -- put everything on the line for another chance, or leave. So, I gambled. If we can't gamble for love, though, what can we gamble for? If I wind up homeless and alone, at least I tried.
Black Iris- Really? I never read that, but wow it makes a lot of sense. That's exactly what she did -- just totally rewrote our whole history. I tell you, that part of it all really hurt. As for the sex thing, there's more to that story, too. We're in counseling... I'll wrote a blog post to explain that part of it. Trust me, though, I've poured my heart out to her.
tbone64- "sometimes, no matter how much you try, no matter how much love you have inside, that other person has to want it just as much as you do." Yep. I guess that's what I'm waiting to see. :-/
MaliMali- Love this part: "...your wife needs to fall back in love with you. It is possible..." Um... but this part I didn't jibe with so much: "that is a concept behind the open marriage thing." I know a lot of people these days are into open marriages, but I know myself enough to know that I'm just not wired that way. I respect that some people want to be open, swingers, gay, trans, whatever... and that's perfectly fine. But for me -- and I'm just some normal guy saying this, and not even from any religious standpoint of view or anything -- I'm simply wired for monogamy. I just want a one-to-one normal relationship. That's always what it was in the past with me and her, and that's presumably what we both meant when we got married.
Airea- "Sounds to me like she's questioning her whole life" Definitely that's it spot on. I just want to add, again, that I think poly is cool if both partners are into it and agree (hopefully from the *beginning* of the relationship and not all of a sudden, 20-years into it!). I just never was a swinger, you know? And, until this latest thing, I never got the impression that my wife wanted to be sexual with anyone else. I almost think sometimes that maybe she wants to go that way now or something. Only, as open-minded and totally tolerant as I am, I just couldn't handle that type of situation. She's made one or two passing remarks about it, and I made my position clear: "I'm a monogamous guy, only interested in a one-to-one relationship." I don't think this is the root of the problem, but I will share her opinion on it... She remarked then that she now feels people should ideally sleep with whomever they want. But, she realizes that being with me means being monogamous, and she said she'd rather be with me and be monogamous than be without me and, presumably, live life as a poly. So, naturally, I thought that was cool at first. But, I've since wondered a few times whether deep down she now resents me, feeling like I'm holding her back from experiencing life as she sees it ideally. Still, her libido is so remarkably low, I can't actually imagine her sleeping with other people. And, god, if she did, I think I'd resent it even more if only because *I* never get sex from her (although that's not my only reason for prefering monogamy).
This is a woman, btw, who *never* came with a man until she met "not sexy" me -- and since this is an anonymous space, I'd like to add for the record that I'm one of those guys who pays special attention to my partner in the bedroom. Her needs are met each and every time, multiple times, if you follow...
After a 20 year marriage you'd think the attraction would be deeper than just "he's so hot."
I can see why you'd be frustrated at having to prove to your wife that after 20 years, yes, she used to think you were hot. Sounds like by saying that she was trying to hurt you and she did. I am inclined to think there is something else going on with her too. I am sorry. But I do think couples make it through rough patches. Really, rough patches. Look and Hillary and Bill or Nancy and Ronald. I don't think you are alone here.
seems like she might be trying to justify something that already happened like she's been cheating and feels that tearing you down will either soften you up for the real blow or get you mad enough that she can get off scott free. i dont know i've been wrong before and i'm possibly bitter enough to have clouded judgement. but you might wana use this in between time to your advantage "get your ducks in a row" "play it close to the cuff and all that" but get ready and quick before your homeless and some dude's fluffin your pillow (sorry probably the bitter thing again) and maybe if your fast and lucky you can find someone to redefine your idea of sexy.
I have read that many people who are considering divorce rewrite their past to forget the good times. I think you need to talk to your wife to find out if there were/are problems she sees in the relationship that don't seem as serious to you.
The whole thing with the guy in the desert sounds very strange to me. The real question is why isn't she wanting sex anymore? You need to talk to her to find out - is she uninterested in sex, is she having an affair, does she wish you would do something differently in bed, is she just mad at you, etc., etc.
I am not so sure about the hormone thing. If she is only 40, that would be a bit young for a mid-life crisis or perimenopause. It would make more sense to think that if she were in her mid to late 40s. Still, it can't hurt to check.
Are you two getting counseling? You might want to consider it. I think the most important thing is to let her know how much you love her and how you see her and don't want to lose her.
I was in something similar to your situation. I thought that everything was great, and then suddenly I noticed things changing. When I brought it up to her, she denied it, but the new behavior continued. Eventually, I found out that there was someone else.
I wasn't able to work things out. I moved on. I realized that sometimes, no matter how much you try, no matter how much love you have inside, that other person has to want it just as much as you do. A relationship for two can't be carried by one, no matter how hard you try.
If she's not into the marriage, you may have to face up to the fact that it may well be over. You sound like a guy who is really committed to making things work, and it's possible that the marriage has run its course. You can't force her to fall back in love with you.
Rhett,
You sound like such a sweetie. It really sounds like your wife needs to fall back in love with you. It is possible..and frankly, I think that is a concept behind the open marriage thing, but I do not believe that using a third party is always needed. My next post is going to be for you Sweet. It'll be about how I hate the words "Spice it up"...because it's a half-azz way at re-inventing yourself.
Take Care,
Jen
PS. I have been through some, especially after having surgery.
Waht a horribly painful situation! Are you in an open marriage? I can't iomagine what kind of sexy man could make your wife lose her desire for you so completely...I am in an open marriage and meeting my "sexy stranger" made me appreciate my super sexy husband much more. No amount of "newness" and "new relationship energy" can take the place of my husband's skill at simply knowing my body and meeting my needs as easily as breathing. So I am really at a loss as to what to tell you Rhett, I've been with my husband for 19 years maried and 24 years total and he is more sexy today than he was at 15! My lover is 14 years younger than we are and he is a 6 foot polish gawd (my mother's assessment of him LOL) but he is not even close to what I have in my 5'8 Russian lover (husband).
Sounds to me like she's questioning her whole life and maybe going through some hormonal changes, as cruel as it sounds I'd recommend to her that she talk to her gynocologist and see if she's in perimenopause. It would be a crying shame for her to be in need of a simple adjustment to her hormone level and have had that wreck her marriage. Her lack of sex drive might also be hormonal. If it isn't an organic cause then perhaps you both need to seek some professional help at the very least you need to communicate to each other what is going on. Keep talking and keep up your chin!