Does the past point to the future?
When I made up my mind to wash my hands of all relationships, someone last week told me something I never thought about. He told me that a person's past is a powerful indicator of their future. Regardless of gender, humans are creatures of habit. If an individual has a history of bad circumstances, then that will predict their future. For example, those who have cheated on partners in the past, have a strong chance of cheating in the future. Or once an addict, always an addict, even if they stop. If this is true, then does it also apply to relationships? Should people pay close attention to the past circumstances, behaviors, traits, etc of a person before starting serious relationships? When I thought about it, it applied to the relationship that I got out of. My past partner had a history of letting women lie, cheat, and treat him like a doormat. I was very kind to him, so does that mean that no matter how hard I tried, I needed to treat him like a doormat to have a successful relationship with him?
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of course! i think the past is definitely something to ask a potential/current boyfriend about. but i don't think you should live in the past or dwell on the past too much. and don't hold anything against him that happened in the past. but past relationships can give you a good idea of what to expect in the present and future.
Tbone...that was beautifully put!
And 100% correct.
To be honest, I get completely irritated when an adult trys to cop out on their responsibilities by blaming the past. Choosing to be the type of person you want to be is an adult responsibility. Choosing to do nothing about it is still a choice. Choosing to not learn from past mistakes and build a better future is still a choice. Choosing to not make any choice at all (which still keeps you in the same place) is still a choice.
We are all gifted with baggage from all manner of people and places, family and friends, and through the joys of growing up. As adults we now have the freedom to choose what is best for us, and the freedom to act on it.
So I don't believe that a cheater will always cheat, that an addict will always use, and that a relationship failure will continue to have failed relationships. I believe that they will continue with these negative lifestyles until they take action to change it. Change is not simple, but I'd rather work hard to live a life I can be proud of, regardless of all the mistakes that gave me the lessons I needed to get to this point, than have a ho-hum life where I coast by and accept some version of me that I had no hand in creating other than choosing to do nothing about it.
Your friend should have also told you that we are to learn from the past, not live in it. People make mistakes, and if we were to constantly look at what they did wrong, what incentive are they ever going to have to correct them? If we hold a mirror up to our own lives, will we like what we see? We've all said and done things that we would like to take back at some point, but since we can't. We learn from it, and we move on, hopefully growing from the experience. There is some validity to the adage "a lesson well taught is a lesson well learned."
"A smart man learns from his own mistakes, but a wise man learns from the mistakes of others." Don't we try to teach our kids to make better decisions than we did when we were growing up? If we didn't make mistakes and learn from them, what knowledge and experience would we be able to pass down?
As for your ex, he has some personality and self-esteem issues. He's not a reliable example of what your friend was talking about. However, if he got a backbone and stopped letting women walk all over him, he would be a different person. Should he not meet someone and fall in love just because at one point in time he was (in your words) a "doormat?"
