Asked by casius on
not enough sex for my wife.
lately my wife has been very frustrated with our sexual lives. she has expressed that i dont initiate sex, dont act like i find her attractive, and that i dont help her "finish". many of you have probably read her laundry list on this sight. anyways i feel like i am in a lose lose situation here. I am very attracted to my wife. for a very very long time i have been shot down almost every time when tying to initiate sex. now that she wants it more (she physically wants it more now then she used to.... she has lost some weight, off some meds, and feeling better than ever about herself.) she seems to think i dont want to have sex. I really love making love to my wife, but she claims it is different now. that i dont care about whether she finishes, that i dont do it the same any more, and that i dont show her that i want to. I am at a loss, my performance is not what it used to be, but i am older and after years of getting shot down you kind of get out of how do you say practice. but any ways it seems that when i try to initiate sex she is doing me a favor or it seams like she just doesnt want to. she says i dont initiate but I am constantly getting shot down, still. as far as helping her reach the finish line..... I try, she often says she was almost there and that I moved before she could. It doesnt matter if its ten minutes or 45 she always "almost there". and as soon as i do, she jumps up to clean up and then says i dont try to help her out. i cant help her out if she walks away. It is just as frustrating for me as it is for her, I am not just saying that. i would gladly give up orgasms so she could like she used to. I just want her to be happy and satisfied. I guess this isnt really a question as much as a rant, but what can i do? we both want the same things and we cant seem to get on the same page. anybody have any ideas.
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I understand your problem. You did not mention ages and some say it does not matter that a satisfying sex life is possible throughout life. I just posted my problem. But when I put my age at 75 and asked my question it was not accepted . I guess this site does not acknowledge that men of 75 are still having sex, or wanting it.
It is a big, big problem when you initiate sex and she refuses. After a certain number of refusals you just dont initiate it any more. On the rare occasions that she is interested at the same time you are it probably does not require flowers, fixing dinner for her, doing all those little thoughtful things to soften her heart. If she does not want it none of that helps.
I am having the same problem. My gf says women in our age group do not want sex more than once or twice a month. I hope that is not true.
But the first time we had sex I set it up like this. When we met and went out a time or two it seemed like we could not keep our hands off each other. I had already scheduled a date with another woman who was on a cruise at the moment. I said I had to wait until she returned\, keep the date and e nd it with her. When I had done that my new gf was thrilled.
I sent her a flower, and included an invitation to David's Love Palace. The evening went like this.
I prepared the house. Turned one room into a tranquility garden with silk trees and other props and a small table. I set up a massage table in another room by the fireplace, Another room with a small table and wine.
When she arrived after dark, the house was dark except for an entry light. I invited her in and with a small flashlight (tiny) in hand I then turned out all the light. We went to the room with a small table and I e xplained house rules. I was dressed with black thong and black bow tie and red smoking jacket a nd nothing else. I expleained house rules.
Lady not wear clothes, Lady not feed herself, and the third rule was that rules did not apply to host. My personal was Ching Lee, a chippendale from Bejing.
A little snack and a small glass of wine in candlelight. A little chit chat.
Next blow out the candles and lead her by candlelight to the area where the massage table was set up and gave her a therapeutic but a bit erotic massage. All with canlelight and the light of the fireplace.
Next, I told her to rest while I prepared dinner which I did by candle light. Dinner was served in the tranquility garden setting. She loved it. I fed her. In time I turned off the music, blew out the candles and led her to the living room where I had music set up and a banner proclaiming "Arthur Murray's school of nude dancing". We danced awhile
with me still in my getup and by that time I needed a bit of padding because I was primed. We danced maybe 8 or 10 numbers.
Then candles out and the little bitty pen light was enough to lead her to the bedroom where I have a jacuzzi tub for a nice bubble bath. Very relaxing. Me still wearing the bow tie.
After drying off it was the finali on the bed.
She loved every minute of it including the anticipation of what the evening would hold. It takes creativity to design the invitation to create tension and promise.
I have done something similar with the last two relationships and they loved it.
Think about trying something like this. It shows you care enough to go to lots of trouble to set it up and follow through.
Another thought. Visit a bookstore. Barnes and Noble or some such and browse the section on relationships. If you have not done this you will be pleasantly surprised at what you find. It is fun just to browse.
Now, that has worked for me in the past. But now my problem is my gf says she only wants it a couple times a month. Not enough for me. I have never strayed and it is not in my nature but I am beginning to understand why men do.
Good luck.
You might also want to check out this article:
http://www.yourtango.com/200929024/how-diagnose-and-fix-sexless-marriage...
It could give you some more insights and ideas on how to address what you and your wife are going through.
You guys are going through a really rough patch right now. Try to hold onto how much you love each other.
I think you've gotten into a destructive cycle about sex and it's very hard to get out of it. Remembering you love each other and want the best and being patient goes a long way. Try to step back from the conflict in the bedroom, if you can. Fighting about sex never works.
Perhaps what is bothering her isn't the specific activities or non-activities so much as not feeling attractive/like you're hot for her. So maybe the most important thing is to reassure her, let her know if anything else is going on with you (fatigue, aging, etc.), and show how much you care in non-sexual ways.
Suggestions -
1) Keep talking and letting her know how you feel. See a marriage or sex therapist if you have to, to help you talk.
2) Sometimes sex therapists recommend a break from intercourse to get desire back. Then you touch and focus on the feelings.
3) Use a vibrator to make it easier to get her to orgasm. Have her touch herself (or use the vibrator) to show you what she wants. If it is really hard for her to come from you touching her, maybe you can touch her together.
4) Compliment her as often as possible about the changes she's made in herself. She is probably proud of them and she should be. Tell her how attractive she is, even if you're not going to have sex. Try to get to a place where you feel you can compliment her, flirt, touch her without feeling you have to have sex.
5) Consider having sex where you (the guy) don't come sometimes so that you can have it again soon. (It's not as bad as it sounds - I think.) Or use fingers or toys for penetration.
6) Make time to be romantic together.
7) Look at whether you can do anything to make yourself happier, more rested, and less stressed. Can you rearrange your life at all? Can you exercise? Get more sleep? Do yoga or something you like?
It sounds like you and your wife have forgotten to enjoy the playful aspect of sex, and considering the history before its understandable. This is something that you both will need to work at and do your best to keep positive about it.
I actually do enjoy seeing your side of the story as I've seen your wife's questions and left a few answers on hers. Remember that whatever advice she has shared with you from her questions prior to you joining are only going to really "serve" her side of the story. Its not to say that she is lying or anything like that, but its really hard to give the best advice possible when you only here one side of the story.
I'm curious what your and your wife's life is like outside of the bedroom. To be honest, it sounds like everything outside of the bedroom is what is affecting things in the bedroom. I imagine at this point that you feel a lot of pressure to "perform" from your wife and it doesn't help in having fun in bed.
For now there are only two real suggestions I could make. Keep going with the talks you are having with your wife. I've seen some of her questions regarding this that it seems to be bringing up more fights, and that is exactly what is going to happen. The more you both open up and share what is really bothering you, what is really affecting you deep down inside, the more issues will come up that you both have to hash out and work through. Its tough as hell, and I'll tell you as I told her...
Applaud yourselves for what you've done so far.
Its not easy to do, and while you question the value of it right now it will make things WAAAY better in the long run. Your strengthening the connection between you both and so long as you both remember why you are doing this, that you love each other, and that you love your life together, you will get through it.
The second suggestion is a bedroom one. Try to seduce her. Its a different mindset from just initiating sex. All men can seduce their woman, and its easier than they think. Play up your strengths, and, most of all, PLAY!!! Do something cheesy and make her laugh, be sultry and do some dirty dancing in the living room, make her dinner with all the good china set out on the table and a center piece of flowers, do something that you are completely comfortable with but that is also completely out of the norm. Leave her a dirty little note in her purse before she goes to work, whatever, but have some fun with what you do. It'll be hard, but forget about the "big show", forget about the performance and how things have gone so far and all of that.
As you prepare to seduce your wife think on how you felt when you first saw her. Remember how charged and anxious and excited you were the very first time you slept with her. Think about how much you love and adore her now, and just hold on to those thoughts, the ones that make you happy to be with her. If you can keep hold of and focus on that while you prepare to seduce her and begin to seduce her you might get some new, unbelievable results!
Good luck.