Asked by Turndowneliott on
Sex with husband post Iraq deployment All intelligent answers welcome
Ok so I decided to join this site after reading the really nice answers left for someone else. Not the rediculous answers you'd find on yahoo. Anyways, I feel awkward asking this, but I suppose this is the perfect forum. I'm 21, as well as my husband. We are high school sweethearts, and have been together since 16. We have been married for 3. We have always had an AWESOME relationship, mentally and sexually. I can honestly say that we are best friends, and many of our friends say they can see how strong our bond is. Sexually, we have tried just about everything, costumes, sex in crazy places, toys, porn, strip clubs, whatever. We even had a 3 some, (at my request) Trust me he didn't touch her only I did. So we are definitely not inhibited. We had sex on the regular, 2-3 times a week, sometimes these spurts where we can't keep our hands off all day and night. He is an amazing guy, never mean to me, or insulting. Then he went to Iraq. He was gone for a year. On his R&R everything was normal. I was on the road promoting my business (an adult toy store incidentally) and he came along. We had great sex, couldn't keep our hands off etc. Then he came home for good. Things were awesome, I even got a sexy hotel suite for his first weekend home, to make it feel even more relaxing, wore a sexy costume...A few weeks later, he just seemed to have something on his mind always. He started getting grumpy a lot. The sex started diminishing. I felt like I was initiating more often, and he was often too tired, or just not into. When we did, and do have sex (the problem is ongoing) there is almost no foreplay. some oral from me to him, then straight to the sex. And about halfway through that, he would become distracted, and even glancing at the TV if it was on. This really hurts me. We are 21, and he's watching TV during sex.... anyways something I should mention is that since he came home he has been....ejaculating much quicker. Which I don't mind at all. I have never even mentioned it. I ...thought it was good that I made him cum faster. Well he came home in March, and it is now mid July. We have spoken about this a few times but he clams up. Once again I never brought up the ejaculation, because I didnt really notice, I only said I felt like he was less attracted, or interested in me. He assures me everything is fine, and for a few days he will be extra lovey dovey, coming on to me more, but we eventually go right back. Finally, we...got a little tipsy one night, and he admitted he is embarassed about the ejaculation. He said he thought it was just a side effect of no sex for 6 months, and would go back to normal. But it hasn't and he is bothered by it, but has been keeping it to himself. He also said that he is not bored with our sex life, but after he cums during sex, he gets extra sensitive...down there, and it becomes uncomfortable, until I'm done too. I can completely appreciate this, so I looked up some info on it, which said when this happends to a man sudenly, as opposed to his whole life, it's usually a mental issue. Something in his brain is affecting this. It said to try taking the pressure off by only doing foreplay, then relaxing with no actual intercourse, which we have been doing. I'm truly trying my very best to be understanding, but that annoying part of my head has me feeling depressed that I somehow caused this. I haven't really been able to sleep the past few weeks, and I just lie awake, sometimes getting upset.
In the end, my general question is to anyone who has experience with this, especially if it was post deployment. My husband is obviously not too keen on going to a doctor, but he's up for couples therapy. Do we need this? Anyone who has dealt with this problem coming up suddenly (no pun intended) who found a good way to fix it. Really any advice would be so, so appreciated. And I do apologize for being so long winded. I just had a lot on my mind.
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First of all, let me say that I think you handled the situation admirably and with a lot of patience. You must be a very strong, caring person.
My live-in boyfriend just got back from a long deployment, and his interest in sex has drastically declined. We didn't even have that wonderful, monumental homecoming sex; we just fell asleep that night, since he was so tired. We've had very sporadic sex since then, and I am feeling rejected and low about it. I'm trying to stay strong and understanding and patient for him, but at the same time I have to wonder if this is going to be something lasting. While he was gone, I devoted myself to losing about 30 pounds and getting into amazing shape (as a homecoming gift, sort of), and expected that he would be all over me, but intsead I feel less attractive to him now than I did when I was heavier. Anyway, just looking for support or advice, I suppose. If you have anything to add to your earlier post, or any advice at all, I would love to hear how you handled the situation. I love my boyfriend very much, I really want this to work.
Thanks!
Ahh relax. Do not push him. He may need a little space for a while or a long time.Just be there for him and reassure him you love him a lot.If you push sex on him to hard or bring up an issue constantly.. it will make things worse. Best of Luck.
Thans so much for your answers guys. Lyz Lenz, yes he is still in the military. His duty station just changed and we moved to California. This has been a little stressful, but as I said this has been going on since he came home. He had 25 days leave and we went home to FL, and it was like this there, and we didn't have a care in the world. I'm going to bring up the chaplain idea as well.
That soldier needs some help, honey. Please ask him to see someone. The problems he's having now may be masking deeper issues related to PSTD and his experiences. The military is much more in touch with the psychological issues our soldiers face than ever before and there is help for him if he wants it.
Some of it may be related to what he went through in Iraq. That coincides with the start of the problem. Even though you're his wife, he may have seen and/or experienced some things that are troubling him, and he could be repressing them.
My advice would be to go to the chaplain on the base that's closest to you. A military chaplain will have a better understanding of your husband's mental, spiritual and emotional state than a civilian pastor (unless that pastor was in the service before). If you don't want to go through a chaplain (I don't know how you feel about the church aspect of this), you can still talk to a military psychologist. Try to get your husband to understand that you want to help him, and if he needs to talk to someone else, then it's OK. Men have a lot of pride when it comes to performance, you know.
First of all, it sounds like you are handling this really well. You've already tried talking with him and giving him time. It sounds like you guys have a good foundation as a couple, which really helps especially in the face of some of these problems. I think first you have to reassure yourself that you will get through this. Every couple goes through peaks and valleys, good years and bad years. And it sounds like he is willing to work with you.
I say if he is willing to go to couples counseling. Do it. Not just for your relationship, but for him. It sounds like he might be depressed. Now, obviously this is not a diagnosis. But I know that statistically, men coming home from Iraq have a very high likelihood of suffering from depression because of how difficult it is to readjust to life at home. And you said he is being moody and withdrawn. When my FIL died, my husband spent the next year being moody and withdrawn and our sex life suffered. I gave him his space, and he rebounded. But that is not the course I'd suggest, because in the meantime it can do some hurt to your relationship. Go to counseling, let your husband do some of the talking. And see if the counselor agrees that he might be going through a 'bout of depression.
Another question I have is does he have a job or is he still in the military? If he is having trouble finding a good-paying job, that might be some of it to. But from what you've said, it doesn't sound like it's anything personal to do with you. It just sounds like he is going through a rough emotional time and he doesn't really know how to vocalize that to you because he may not have it figured out himself. Go for some counseling. And let us know how it goes.